Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Seriously, is everyone pregnant?

Okay, so I'm irritated and bitter today. I'm finally bleeding and cramping, so I think I'm miscarrying.

Today a friend announced her pregnancy to me (she's about 8wks along), so that makes 7 pregnant friends. Yep, 7 people in my close circle to go on and on about their future plans with a baby. I feel like everyone in my world is pregnant and/or has newborns. All I frickin' hear about is crap about the aches and pains of pregnancy, which of course I'd give anything to have. I hear the constant talk about baby names, nursery plans, what life will be life when the baby arrives, etc... It takes everything in me not to shout in their face that there are NO guarantees in life. Getting a positive pee stick doesn't mean that you will have a rising beta. Having rising betas doesn't mean that you will see an embryo at the first ultrasound. Once you see the heartbeat doesn't mean that you are no longer at risk for having a miscarriage. Entering the 14th week doesn't mean that there's no longer a risk for anything bad happening. Starting labor at term doesn't mean you will give birth to a living baby! I wish I could live in their naive world where once I got a + hpt I could start decorating the nursery and picking out baby names. Unfortunately my reality is quite different!

Two of my close friends have newborns (and most of the others have toddlers), so I get to hear how perfect their lives are and how absolutely in love they are. They tell me like I don't frickin' have a clue about the love a mother has for her child. This hurts me the most! I fell madly in love with Myles too when I first met him and continue to love him just as much even though he's no longer with me. How dare they treat me like I'm not a mother and that I don't understand a mother's love. I should have a 9 month old baby, but instead I visit my son at his grave. Yes, I am bitter and jealous today (well who are we kidding, most days).

Oh and I forgot to mention that I'm having a dinner party with girls from work. Among the girls attending are two pregnant girls (one who's about to pop and the other is the one who just announced her pregnancy) and two new mommies. The rest of course are mommies too. So, the whole dinner party will be spent hearing about pregnancy, newborns, and motherhood. I can't really "not go" because I'm hosting it at my house. It's going to be horrible!


Tiffany said...

You have a right to be angry. It is NOT fair, not fair at all. I wish your friends would step back and realize that you are a mother just as much as them, and that they are being insensitive.

Heather said...

I hear you. You and I are in the same boat.

Our reality and theirs are two very different things. Not comparable.

I have no words of wisdom, but do know I share your frustration!

Busted said...

I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you. I am so sorry for everything. It really does make the bitterness rise to witness others' naivete and carefree attitude towards pregnancy, doesn't it? Thinking of you today.

~Denise~ said...

Niki, you have every right to feel what you are feeling. What they say pricks a person right in the heart, and they probaby don't even think about how it makes you feel. That naive view on pregnancy is shared by so many, and it's incredibly frustrating to see day after day.

I wish I had something brilliant to say that would make it better or for those women to be respectful of other people's realties, but all I can offer is a huge cyber hug. I've said that I wouldn't wish PE on my worst enemy. But there are moments when I do secretly wish that another person (one who is naive & tra-la-la about pregnancy) could experience what preeclampsia was like, and to truly appreciate that babies are not a gauranteed outcome.

Much love to you.

Erin said...

I'm sorry. I've learned that many people suck, and the ones closest to us often disappoint us the most.

Thinking of you,

Dora said...

You are so a mother!!

"They tell me like I don't frickin' have a clue about the love a mother has for her child."

WTF!!! They must be banished! Damn! Why don't they make bitch repellent?

About the dinner, imagine all of us standing behind you, massaging your shoulders and whispering snarky things in your ear.

Seriously, can't they understand how raw you are right now?

Mrs. Spit said...

Cancel the dinner party. Seriously. You need to be kind to yourself.

As for your friends, I'm sorry they are being terrible. Do you have a good friend who is caring and helpful who could clue these women in? I had a friend who watched some of the things said and done to me, and finally she phoned me and told me she was getting involved. The clueless got a phone call. I have no idea what she said, but things changed, at least a bit.

SMK said...


You have EVERY right to be upset. I feel the same way. Knowing I can't have children after losing my girls and watching everyone being happy and complaining about their aches and pains.. is hard to swallow. I feel like they follow me around wherever I go... I am a magnet to them most days. People just don't get it. I wish we lived in their worlds some days.. Imagine what it must be like to announce as soon as your have a + and everything turn out ok. Seems to me like an unachievable dream. I wish I was there to give you a great big hug! Thinking of you!

Rebecca said...

Sending you HUGE MEGA ((((HUGS))))!!! Although our situations are quite different, I so get where you are coming from. I love my children and miss them terribly...and they haven't ever been conceived. It's a terrible thing to love and miss someone so much that you never had the chance to know. I agree...cancel the dinner party. YOU are what matters right now, not your insensitive "friends". If I knew who they were, believe me, there would be a few choice words flying. I'm dealing with something similar at work right now, and it sucks big hairy balls.
You take care of you, and keep thinking about your babies that will soon be growing thanks to your wonderful cousin. What a wonderful thing for her to do for you.
I love you!

Nicole said...

You are not alone

Lisa said...

Niki - ((HUGS)). That does sound horrid.

You are a mother - and it sounds to me that you are an amazing mother - no one and nothing can take that away from you. Even my short stints of being pregnant gave me a feeling of being a mother, of holding my precious child inside of me - even for a short time - and feeling such an amazing burst of love. Oh crap, I am crying now. No one can take those amazing feelings away from us and I am trying to focus on those as I struggle to find a way through this.

More ((HUGS)).

Jason and Samantha said...

I agree with everyone else. You are a mother. I can't believe your friends! ((hugs))

You have a right to feel the way you do.

ourowncreation said...

Wow. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying some very blunt things to anyone who suggested that any DBmama doesn't know what it feels like to be a mother. I have little tolerance for that sort of thing these days. Sorry you're getting it from all sides. It does seem to all come at once, doesn't it? I'm struggling through the rush of photos of my cousin's new baby girl who was conceived right around the time we lost Lennox and Zoe.

Many hugs to you.

Jen said...

You hit it on the head. Why are we not considered mothers by others? my friends have said to me that what I feel for Abby isn't the same...and I want to bitch slap them.

And getting pregnant, doesn't equal a baby least not in my world.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.

JuliaS said...

Sweetie - you ARE a mommy, no matter what they think or say. You are a mom who went through the war with her child. You KNOW firsthand how deep that love is - they think they know, they have no clue. Their love has never been tapped and tried the way yours has.

Sending you wishes of strength and hope. I agree with Mrs. Spit - jettison the party, you owe these people NOTHING.

Jill said...

I am so sorry you're going through this. Sending lots of hugs

The Johnson's said...

Finding you from "Lost and Found" and I wanted to reach out to you and tell you how sorry I am.

Too many of us know the pain and heartache of losing a baby and I wish I knew the magic words to make it right.

You are a Mom and you do know the love those women are taking about, they have no right to tell you any different.

I am just so very sorry.