Monday, October 13, 2008

Another loss

Beta #4 = 35 = Miscarriage #4

I wish that the numbers hadn't risen. I had my time to emotionally deal with the loss and then the numbers rose. I was given a small sense of hope and I played into it. Why on earth I even considered that this pregnancy would go anywhere is beyond me. I should no better by now. I'm a recurrent miscarrier. My body kills my babies.

The last two miscarriages have made me miss Myles even more ... to think that somehow, some way he managed to stay put in my horrid uterus and then he fought against all odds and died of pneumonia of all things. Myles was my little fighter and he should have made it.

I hate my body and I hate the universe!

25 comments:

Addysmommy said...

Niki,

I am so sorry. (((BIGHUGS))) I wish I had some amazing words that would help you feel better but in all reality I know there are none. :( Just know that I am always thinking about you.

Mrs. Spit said...

Their absence hurts because their presence missed so much.

I'm am desperately sorry that heaven has another angel today. I would have rather you had a baby.

Hugs and peace and comfort and every kind thing the universe can muster up.

Sheri-ct said...

I am so sorry to hear this terrible news. You have been on my mind all morning. My heart is breaking for you.

Jamie said...

Niki,
My heart breaks for you and your husband. I am so sorry for your loss. My hugs and prayers go out to you.
Jamie

Tiffany said...

Words can't express how sorry I am. Thinking of you.

Donna said...

Niki - I have been thinking about you all weekend. I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

~Denise~ said...

Niki, I am so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs and love.

Jen said...

I am so sorry. This is not fair and you do not deserve to go through this pain again. Much love to you.

Amber said...

I know internet hugs aren't enough, but it's all I have to offer (since words will never be enough either). I hate that you're facing this. I wish I could do anything to help.

Busted said...

I'm so sorry sweetie - I wish I had better words than that. A million hugs across the internet.

Travelwahine said...

Niki,
I'm so sorry. UGGGG!!!!
I hate that you had to go through all of the roller coaster emotions.

Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

Heather said...

Niki, I am so so sorry. I've been thinking about you a lot. Life is so unfair.

Sending big cyber hugs.

N said...

Hi Niki,

I saw your comment on my blog and came here. I'm so sorry for your journey and for your very recent loss. I know the pain of IF and multiple cycles all too well. I would be more than happy to talk to you about my experience with surrogacy - it has been amazing. Is there a way to email you through your blog so you can have my direct contact info?

Dora said...

Oh, Niki!! This is sooooo unfair! My heart is breaking all over again for you. I wish I could whisk you away somewhere and hold you while you cry and wail. (You are my friend, regardless of the fact that we've never met.) I wanted this to be your miracle baby. Oh, FUCK!

Damn it, I hate that I can't fix this!

Much love to you. xoxo

JourneyofHope said...

I am so sorry for all of your losses. It's just not fair.

Lisa said...

I am really, really sorry. I know that there are no words. ((HUGS))

SMK said...

Niki

I am so sorry. My heart is just broken for you. I wish I could just give you a great big hug. I am thinking of you. I am always here for you if you want to talk.

Lost in Space said...

I am so so sorry. There are no words.

Sending love, hugs, and prayers to you and wishing I could do more.

Irish Girl said...

Niki, I am so sorry. I understand your anger. I wish nothing but peace and good things for you. I am so sad that things didn't work out differently -- with Myles and, well, all of it.

travelaunt7 said...

Niki,
My heart is absolutely breaking for you. This is so unfair. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. You're in my thoughts. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Linda

MDZ said...

I am extraordinarily sorry for your loss. The emotional rollercoaster truly sucks. It may be too soon for you to consider this, but my sister (who had unicornuate uterus and needed to use donor eggs and a gestational surrogate to have children) got a lot of helpful information at http://www.surromomsonline.com/. Perhaps you may want to look at it when you are feeling a bit better. *Hugs*

Jeon-Ellis said...

Hi Niki,
According to my religious belief, you will meet your babies in Heaven, and you are their mum for eternity.Your babies are not gone forever...they are in your heart, but truely they are 'living' in heaven, and you will catch up with them. I hope this belief that I hold makes you feel less despair.

Big hugs

mylifechronicles said...

Oh my... I am soo sorry to hear abt this. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you are going through. :(

Rebecca said...

Niki~ I am so very sorry you're going through this yet again. I'm at a loss for words to comfort you, I wish I could be there with you. Just know I'm holding you and mourning with you across the miles. Much love to you.

Intending To Be Parents said...

I don't know what else to say other than I am so sorry to hear this awful news :( Sending hugs your way.