Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Thoughts of Myles ...

A dear friend of mine came across this poem and sent it to me. It brought her to tears as she thought of Myles and I. I read it and could not believe how perfect it described my feelings. Of course it similarly brought me to tears! Thank you J.C. for sharing it with me! You have a giant heart and a wonderful soul!


I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too. I think of you in silence, I often say your name, but all I have is memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part. God has you in his keeping. I have you in my heart. I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I’ve cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill. It broke my heart to lose you, buy you didn’t go alone. For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
--Author unknown

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thinking about what might have been ...

Today Myles would have been 7 months old. I try to imagine what he would be doing and how he would look today, but I struggle to conjure an image of his smiling face. This makes me sad. I wonder if he would have still looked exactly like Josh or if he would've assumed some of my characteristics? I wonder if his eyes would be big and blue like mine? I'd like to think they would be similar to my eyes as he did have very big, sparkling eyes. I try to picture his cute little plumped up feet and wonder if his funny little toes would still overlap? I imagine that his personality would be similar to my husband's--very laid back--as opposed to my Type A personality. It makes me sad to wonder how different my life would be if Myles was still with us, but I guess that's all I'll have for the rest of my life--memories and wondering about the what-ifs?

I miss Myles more and more each day and wish that I could've had just a few more hours with him. But, realistically I know that no amount of time (well nothing short of a lifetime) would have been enough.


I need to say thank you to all of you wonderful gals for your kind, caring, and understanding comments. Many of your comments brought tears to my eyes. It's nice to have a supportive community of women who "get it" and other who are truly empathetic. It is my belief that those of us who've struggled have an understanding and empathy that far exceeds anything imaginable by those who've been lucky enough to sail through life on the "happy, ignorant" boat. Of course I wish we all could ride that boat with them, but reality is we can't. So, we ride in strange, foreign boats alone, but we sail these boats with others by our side. We sail through the darkness in a unified fleet together trying to help each other navigate the rough seas in inadequate, broken watercrafts. I'm saddened that others are navigating through this journey with me, but strangely comforted knowing I have others by my side. ((HUGS)) to each and every one of you! Again I thank you!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

6 Months Ago Today

Six months ago today in the early morning hours Myles died in my arms. I woke up early today and spent the morning thinking about the events that occurred 6 months ago when my heart broke ...

I remember holding my beautiful little baby and begging for time to stand still. I didn't want to let Myles go. I couldn't let Myles go. I tried with all my might to memorize everything about my handsome little man, so I wouldn't forget even the smallest details of his features. I could not believe that things had changed so drastically in just a few hours. I couldn't believe that the sparkle I had seen in Myles' eyes just a few hours earlier was now gone. I couldn't believe that Myles was going to die.

I looked into Myles eyes as he looked into mine and apologized over and over again for having failed him. I told him that I would give my life for his if I could. I told him over and over how much I loved him, how I had dreamed of him for years, how he had made my struggles worth it, and how he had made me complete by making me a mommy. As he looked into my eyes I knew he was trying to tell me that he loved me too!


I kissed him and snuggled him.


J and I tried to give Myles a lifetime of love in just a few short hours. We told him how much we loved him and how much we would miss him. We promised to find the courage to face the dark days ahead. We told him that we would do our best to emulate his amazing strength and perseverance. We told him how proud of him we were for what an amazing job he'd done fighting a good fight and that it was okay to go.


When the time came to remove Myles from life support I repeatedly asked the neonatologist if Myles would pass peacefully. I could not bear to think of my baby in pain. I needed to know that he wouldn't put up a fight, that he'd be comfortable, and that he'd simply fall asleep. The doc promised me that he would do just that. When they removed the breathing tube Myles appeared to fall asleep in my arms. I think he passed within ten minutes. I get chills when I recall feeling the heat leave his body as held him in my lap.


Although I knew Myles was gone, I just couldn't let go of him. I wanted to hold him and never let him go. I remember J telling me that we had to go and that it was time to give Myles to the nurses. I felt paralyzed and unable to move--how could I hand Myles' body to someone and leave him? I knew I was handing over Myles' lifeless body as his spirit had left hours before, but I still couldn't let go. J got the nurse and she took Myles and cradled him lovingly in her arms as Josh pulled me out of the NICU. When I got into the hallway I literally collapsed onto the floor. Josh had to practically pick me up as we walked down the hall to meet our family and friends in the waiting room. When we arrived at the waiting room I fell into my best friend's arms and cried and cried in utter disbelief as she cried with me. Our family and friend's surrounded us, hugged us, and cried and cried with us.

Six months ago we lost our miracle baby. Six months ago our dreams of an amazing life with our son were shattered. Six months ago we left the hospital with empty arms. Six months ago our hearts broke. Six months ago our happy life ended. Six months ago our nightmare began. Six months ago we became parents of a different kind. Six months ago our lives changed forever. Six months ago Myles died.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Some days I hate my life (okay most days)

So, I wake up today and it's raining ... my day is already starting out bad. I was planning to get up and go for a long walk and go visit Myles grave. Now that it's raining I can't do that.

Then I get to thinking about how I SHOULD be back on metformin, which I was on when I got pregnant with Myles, but wasn't on this last time with my chemical pregnancy. This drug has been shown to reduce miscarriage rates in girls with PCOS, so now I'm wondering if that had anything to do with the last m/c. I'm pretty sure it didn't, but I hate wondering about it. I read about how it is able to lower miscarriage rates in PCOSers and am also wondering what would have happened if I had continued it the whole pregnancy with Myles?! The drug is thought to reduce elevated proteins in the arteries (PAI) at the maternal-placental interface and can reduce thrombosis (clotting) in the arteries in addition to lower insulin levels. Also, elevated PAI has been implicated in preeclampsia, so that's weighing heavily on my mind. Uggh, I hate the what ifs! I called Dr. S, my RE, to request to be put back on it for the next cycle and explained that I need everything to be the same as it was when I got pregnant with Myles. I'm sure he won't want to put me back on it because I'm not overweight and am not insulin resistant. I'm waiting to hear back from the nurse.

The kicker of my day so far ... I just got a call from a friend who lately never calls me for anything but to talk about everyone else's happy lives (specificially pregnancy and babies) to tell me that another friend is in labor at home ... she's having contractions every 12 minutes ... blah, blah, blah.

I have less than 2 weeks of summer vacation left and feel like I haven't done anything fun all summer. My therapist tells me that I've been doing a lot of grief work. Well how do I tell my co-workers that when I return to school and they ask me the prototypical question "How was your summer?" in the most annoying, chipper voice imaginable? I think I may tell them that I my days were frickin' peachy ... I spent the days crying because my arms were empty and my heart was broken ... remember my baby died?! I'm pretty sure that this will get them to leave me the fuck alone! Maybe I need to make my response more snarky to do that?! Any suggestions?

So, now my whole day is completely ruined and I will spend the afternoon in tears. I'm jealous of all of my friends who are fertile and have perfect pregnancies. Life is not fair! The only thing I have to look forward to today is our baby loss support group meeting tonight, which is pretty sad. :(

Monday, August 11, 2008

Kindness of a friends and of strangers

A dear friend of mine purchased me a gift that she gave to me a few days before my last FET. The gift included a small ceramic dish with a whimsical tree on it along with 2 worry stones with the words "Inspiration" and "Hope."

She also put the same "Inspiration" stone on Myles' grave. She told me that when she saw the stone with the word "Inspiration" it reminded her of Myles, so she had to buy it for me and for him. She said that the dish with the tree reminded her of life and of course the "Hope" stone was perfect as I'm always in need of hope in my life now.

These stones are meant for "thumbing" and fit perfectly between your thumb and pointer/middle fingers. I took both with me to my FET and rubbed them during the procedure. I love mine and would recommend them as gifts! They can be ordered on-line and are quite inexpensive! These worry stones were made by Dog Star Design artists from northern MN.

Last week I contacted the artists to make a custom stone with Myles name on it to add to the other two in my dish. I also purchased another custom stone for a friend along with two other stones and a dish. I was so happy when less than a week later these items irrived. The artists had made a few extra stones (2 more each of Myles and the other custom stone, a stone with baby feet, and another with "Love"), which they included in the package.


I had told the artist that Myles had died about 6 months ago and she was so sympathetic to our loss. I thought it was so kind of her to include these extra stones in my order to remember Myles. Also, I am so impressed with their work, customer service, prices, and their promptness with shipping. I would highly recommend purchasing gifts for friends and family from these merchants! Please go give them your business!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Not the life I envisioned

I'm having one of those days where I wake up completely depressed and I have to force myself to put on a happy face. It's a beautiful day here in WI and I should be enjoying the remaining days of summer before school starts and the cool air of fall is upon us, but I just can't. I drove through downtown on my way to a catering job (I work for my Aunt's catering business in the summer while I'm on vacation) and saw all these happy families enjoying a local festival. I was immediately jealous and have now spent the rest of the day wondering why that couldn't be me.

I dream of what life should have been like right now ... I envision J and I walking Myles in his stroller (the one I spent hours researching and the one that was the safest for our little guy) through the festival. We look so happy ... we are laughing, holding hands, admiring our beautiful son, and chatting with people we know about how cute Myles is and how big he's getting. We are the perfect family that I've dreamed of for the past 3.5 years. Life is grand!

Fuck, red light! Breaks slammed on and I return to the present ... reality slaps me in the face as I see a happy couple pushing a stroller across the street and realize that I'm fantasizing about someone else's life, their life not mine. As I watch them cross the street I begin to cry as I picture the safest, expensive stroller that hasn't been used collecting dust in a an empty nursery. We are not a happy family and we don't laugh very often. We've spent the majority of the summer within the safe walls of our house. We most certainly do not attend festivities. We have nothing to celebrate. We are sad. We are angry. We are heartbroken and lost. Our son died--Myles our amazing little miracle baby died in our arms one week short of 6 months ago today. Our family outings will only ever be J and I visiting Myles' grave. This is not the life we envisioned. This life is more like living in hell.

Friday, August 8, 2008

FET #3: 9/23/08

The nurse just called and my FET is set for September 23, 2008. I start bcp on Sunday and then will begin Lupron on 8/21. I will begin estrogen (vaginal pills and IM injections) on 9/4 along with Viagra suppositories 4x/day. My first lining check will be on 9/12. I'm hoping this FET brings me a belated birthday present!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bring out the white capris and the witch arrives!

Well I decided to try a trick and wore white capris today in hopes that I'd lure AF out of hiding and sure enough it worked! After 9 days without meds I finally started bleeding. Now I can call the clinic tomorrow to get my FET schedule. Yeah! So, I'm guessing the tentative date will be 9/16/08.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

FET #3

On Monday we met with our RE, Dr. S, and we discussed our next step. J, Dr. S, and I all agreed that we going to go forward with another FET in September. We will transfer 2 of our remaining 4 blasts. Dr. S is confident that we will get pregnant again. So far, we have a good record with IVF: 2 transfers and 2 implantations. I just hope the next one is stickier than the last and much less eventful than my first!

As soon as I start bleeding we can begin preparations. It's been a week since quitting the IVF meds and I still haven't started bleeding, which is really starting to worry me. Dr. S said he's not worried, but to call him on Friday if I still haven't started. It feels like my body wants to start doing something, yet nothing is happening. I plan to call the clinic tomorrow afternoon if nothing has happened, so we can draw some blood and figure out what the heck is going on. The last thing I want to happen is for this to mess up our plans for a FET in September. I just want my body to cooperate with me for once!