Thursday, April 22, 2010

Social Smiling

Yesterday the boys both started to smile more socially. Silas had been sort of smiling for about a week, but yesterday it was was very obvious! Previously they would smile while sleeping or when they had gas, but wouldn't smile at us when we were talking to them. Yesterday morning when my mom was over helping out the boys were smiling quite frequently at her, which they continued to do today. Silas smiled at me several times yesterday and Liam did it a handful of times. This morning when I got out of bed and came downstairs Liam was smiling and "talking" to my mom (she comes twice a week at 5:30am to help with the boys), but when I started talking to him he frowned. It was hilarious. It seems as though the boys are more "smiley" in the morning. This weekend I'm going to try to get photographs of them smiling, but for now here are a few photos of the boys over the past couple of weeks ...

Getting ready to go shopping with mom:

Both boys love to hang with mom in the Baby Bjorn:



Sunday, April 11, 2010

Survivor's Guilt

Now that my idealized dream has become reality you'd think I'd feel nothing but sheer joy all the time, but sadly that isn't the case. Don't get me wrong most of the time I'm nothing but giddy and gracious beyond explanation for the gifts I've been given, yet there's still this small part of me that feels lonely and lost. I'm unsure of where I belong or how I fit into the new club that I've recently joined. For 5 years I belonged to the infertility club (and to some extent I think I'll always be a member of this club), but now that I've been blessed with my boys I feel alienated from my fellow members of the infertile community. I'm now a member of a new club--the coveted, highly sought after club that us infertiles dream about--the mommy club.

One might think I'd fall right into the mommy club, yet I find that I don't really fit in there either. Maybe it's because I've felt on the fringes of this club for two years having lost my first child (babyloss mamas aren't made to feel welcome by most among this group). Maybe it's because I feel that I can't relate to those members of the club who came by their membership so easily. Maybe it's because I feel as though my membership wasn't rightfully earned since I didn't carry my boys and/or give birth to them. Maybe it's because I'm still a little shocked that I've finally been granted membership to this seemingly elite club. Whatever the reason I feel in limbo and I feel guilty that I was among the lucky ones. Sure I put in my time and I've earned my stripes with 5 years of battling infertility, 5 miscarriages, 5 IVF cycles, the death of my son, the loss of my ability to carry a child, and surrogacy, yet others have put in more time, earned more stripes, yet are still fighting the battle. I ask myself why I was one of the lucky ones?

Friday, April 2, 2010

2 months

I'm a little late on this post, but last weekend when the boys turned 2 months old we were moving into our new house (pics to come at a later date). I did manage to snap a few photos of the boys in onsies with the 2 month stickers. Both Liam and Silas are doing well and getting bigger every day. Next week is their two month appointment when they will get their vaccinations. I'm anxious about this appointment because the thought of them getting poked makes me want to cry. I am excited to see how much they weigh. Neither of the boys can fit into the newborn clothes anymore, so I know they are getting bigger!

Liam is still smaller than Silas, but he seems to be diverting energy to muscle building rather than adding girth. Liam is able to hold his head up on his own for extended periods of time, particularly during tummy time. Liam also gazes for short periods of time at himself in the mirror while on his tummy.

Although Silas enjoys tummy time, he can't hold his head up as well as his brother. Silas enjoys lounging in the boppy and watching the ceiling fan.