Some days I hate my life (okay most days)

So, I wake up today and it's raining ... my day is already starting out bad. I was planning to get up and go for a long walk and go visit Myles grave. Now that it's raining I can't do that.

Then I get to thinking about how I SHOULD be back on metformin, which I was on when I got pregnant with Myles, but wasn't on this last time with my chemical pregnancy. This drug has been shown to reduce miscarriage rates in girls with PCOS, so now I'm wondering if that had anything to do with the last m/c. I'm pretty sure it didn't, but I hate wondering about it. I read about how it is able to lower miscarriage rates in PCOSers and am also wondering what would have happened if I had continued it the whole pregnancy with Myles?! The drug is thought to reduce elevated proteins in the arteries (PAI) at the maternal-placental interface and can reduce thrombosis (clotting) in the arteries in addition to lower insulin levels. Also, elevated PAI has been implicated in preeclampsia, so that's weighing heavily on my mind. Uggh, I hate the what ifs! I called Dr. S, my RE, to request to be put back on it for the next cycle and explained that I need everything to be the same as it was when I got pregnant with Myles. I'm sure he won't want to put me back on it because I'm not overweight and am not insulin resistant. I'm waiting to hear back from the nurse.

The kicker of my day so far ... I just got a call from a friend who lately never calls me for anything but to talk about everyone else's happy lives (specificially pregnancy and babies) to tell me that another friend is in labor at home ... she's having contractions every 12 minutes ... blah, blah, blah.

I have less than 2 weeks of summer vacation left and feel like I haven't done anything fun all summer. My therapist tells me that I've been doing a lot of grief work. Well how do I tell my co-workers that when I return to school and they ask me the prototypical question "How was your summer?" in the most annoying, chipper voice imaginable? I think I may tell them that I my days were frickin' peachy ... I spent the days crying because my arms were empty and my heart was broken ... remember my baby died?! I'm pretty sure that this will get them to leave me the fuck alone! Maybe I need to make my response more snarky to do that?! Any suggestions?

So, now my whole day is completely ruined and I will spend the afternoon in tears. I'm jealous of all of my friends who are fertile and have perfect pregnancies. Life is not fair! The only thing I have to look forward to today is our baby loss support group meeting tonight, which is pretty sad. :(