Thursday, August 14, 2008

Some days I hate my life (okay most days)

So, I wake up today and it's raining ... my day is already starting out bad. I was planning to get up and go for a long walk and go visit Myles grave. Now that it's raining I can't do that.

Then I get to thinking about how I SHOULD be back on metformin, which I was on when I got pregnant with Myles, but wasn't on this last time with my chemical pregnancy. This drug has been shown to reduce miscarriage rates in girls with PCOS, so now I'm wondering if that had anything to do with the last m/c. I'm pretty sure it didn't, but I hate wondering about it. I read about how it is able to lower miscarriage rates in PCOSers and am also wondering what would have happened if I had continued it the whole pregnancy with Myles?! The drug is thought to reduce elevated proteins in the arteries (PAI) at the maternal-placental interface and can reduce thrombosis (clotting) in the arteries in addition to lower insulin levels. Also, elevated PAI has been implicated in preeclampsia, so that's weighing heavily on my mind. Uggh, I hate the what ifs! I called Dr. S, my RE, to request to be put back on it for the next cycle and explained that I need everything to be the same as it was when I got pregnant with Myles. I'm sure he won't want to put me back on it because I'm not overweight and am not insulin resistant. I'm waiting to hear back from the nurse.

The kicker of my day so far ... I just got a call from a friend who lately never calls me for anything but to talk about everyone else's happy lives (specificially pregnancy and babies) to tell me that another friend is in labor at home ... she's having contractions every 12 minutes ... blah, blah, blah.

I have less than 2 weeks of summer vacation left and feel like I haven't done anything fun all summer. My therapist tells me that I've been doing a lot of grief work. Well how do I tell my co-workers that when I return to school and they ask me the prototypical question "How was your summer?" in the most annoying, chipper voice imaginable? I think I may tell them that I my days were frickin' peachy ... I spent the days crying because my arms were empty and my heart was broken ... remember my baby died?! I'm pretty sure that this will get them to leave me the fuck alone! Maybe I need to make my response more snarky to do that?! Any suggestions?

So, now my whole day is completely ruined and I will spend the afternoon in tears. I'm jealous of all of my friends who are fertile and have perfect pregnancies. Life is not fair! The only thing I have to look forward to today is our baby loss support group meeting tonight, which is pretty sad. :(


Addysmommy said...

Niki, I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. I wish you could hold Myles in your arms.

Hopefully your RE will give you the Metformin. I never knew it did all that for PCOS girls.

Thinking of you and your sweet angel always!

SMK said...


I am so sorry you had a crappy day. I am surprised yuo are off metformin... hopefully you get back on that soon. I am always here if you need to talk! ALWAYS!

Irish Girl said...

Niki, I hope your doctor is open to having a good conversation about the metformin. Even if he won't prescribe it for you at least he can provide more information about the "what ifs". And you are so right ... it is totally unfair and heartbreaking. I don't know how comfortable you are with sharing your feelings with others at work, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I'll say when my classmates ask me how my summer was (obviously, terrible and life changing). I believe the only way to gather support is to basically ask for it. So I am planning to tell people exactly how dramatically my life changed this summer. It will be a huge step for me because I've been so private about our infertility. I hope you find a way to cope with their stupid cheery questions. I am thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Some days beat you down more than others. Hugs!

Travelwahine said...

How long were you on Metformin with Myles? I was on Metformin until about 12 weeks with my sweet angel. That's when I transferred to high risk and they took me off. I'm not sure why? I have also read it decreases miscarriages in PCOS. Good luck. I hope your MD puts you on it again. If you find out what are the concerns if your on Metformin while you're pregnant please let us know.

Anonymous said...

So so sorry that you are having a bad day. And there are no good answers to "how was your summer?" because people don't want to hear the truth. Thinking of you...

mrsmuelly said...

You're's very much not fair. I'm horribly jealous of my "normal" friends with their "normal" pregnancies. Sometimes I feel bad about it...but then, I have a right to be jealous.

And, I'm a thin PCOSer that isn't insulin resistant either. My RE has me on Met right now, but I'm not really sure it does much besides make my stomach upset! I'll take it though. Hopefully your RE will put you back on it.

Oh, and in case you are curious I'm here from Lost and Found, but read a bit more.