Saturday, August 16, 2008

6 Months Ago Today

Six months ago today in the early morning hours Myles died in my arms. I woke up early today and spent the morning thinking about the events that occurred 6 months ago when my heart broke ...

I remember holding my beautiful little baby and begging for time to stand still. I didn't want to let Myles go. I couldn't let Myles go. I tried with all my might to memorize everything about my handsome little man, so I wouldn't forget even the smallest details of his features. I could not believe that things had changed so drastically in just a few hours. I couldn't believe that the sparkle I had seen in Myles' eyes just a few hours earlier was now gone. I couldn't believe that Myles was going to die.

I looked into Myles eyes as he looked into mine and apologized over and over again for having failed him. I told him that I would give my life for his if I could. I told him over and over how much I loved him, how I had dreamed of him for years, how he had made my struggles worth it, and how he had made me complete by making me a mommy. As he looked into my eyes I knew he was trying to tell me that he loved me too!

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I kissed him and snuggled him.

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J and I tried to give Myles a lifetime of love in just a few short hours. We told him how much we loved him and how much we would miss him. We promised to find the courage to face the dark days ahead. We told him that we would do our best to emulate his amazing strength and perseverance. We told him how proud of him we were for what an amazing job he'd done fighting a good fight and that it was okay to go.

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When the time came to remove Myles from life support I repeatedly asked the neonatologist if Myles would pass peacefully. I could not bear to think of my baby in pain. I needed to know that he wouldn't put up a fight, that he'd be comfortable, and that he'd simply fall asleep. The doc promised me that he would do just that. When they removed the breathing tube Myles appeared to fall asleep in my arms. I think he passed within ten minutes. I get chills when I recall feeling the heat leave his body as held him in my lap.

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Although I knew Myles was gone, I just couldn't let go of him. I wanted to hold him and never let him go. I remember J telling me that we had to go and that it was time to give Myles to the nurses. I felt paralyzed and unable to move--how could I hand Myles' body to someone and leave him? I knew I was handing over Myles' lifeless body as his spirit had left hours before, but I still couldn't let go. J got the nurse and she took Myles and cradled him lovingly in her arms as Josh pulled me out of the NICU. When I got into the hallway I literally collapsed onto the floor. Josh had to practically pick me up as we walked down the hall to meet our family and friends in the waiting room. When we arrived at the waiting room I fell into my best friend's arms and cried and cried in utter disbelief as she cried with me. Our family and friend's surrounded us, hugged us, and cried and cried with us.

Six months ago we lost our miracle baby. Six months ago our dreams of an amazing life with our son were shattered. Six months ago we left the hospital with empty arms. Six months ago our hearts broke. Six months ago our happy life ended. Six months ago our nightmare began. Six months ago we became parents of a different kind. Six months ago our lives changed forever. Six months ago Myles died.

26 comments:

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry Niki. Every anniversary is so hard. I wish I was there and could give you a big bear hug!

Natalie said...

So sorry for this sad anniversary. Much love to you... remembering Myles.

Mrs. Spit said...

Remembering you and Myles and J.

The anniversaries are hard. The time with them was too short, and the days afterward are so long.

Wish you comfort and strength and peace. Myles spent his lifetime, short but filled with care, knowing that he was loved beyond all imagination.

Hugs.

Amy C said...

God, I am so sorry for everything that you and your husband have been through! Best of luck in September...Myles is watching over you.

Alice said...

(((Niki)))

Myles' strength gives me courage every day. You have done well by your son, in emaninating his spirit of strength and courage. And you are in inspiration to me.

I am so very sorry for all your pain. If I could take it all away, I would.

The Angry IF said...

Hi Niki,

I've never visited here before, but I stopped in and read a little here and there. I am sorry for your loss. I read your journey so far and you have gone through so much, I can't imagine. You give me hope for stregnth and endurance through these hard times.

Busted said...

I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you all today. You were (and are) such a wonderful Mommy to Myles, and as hard as that day was, I'm sure Myles understood and felt your love.

I'm always here if you need anything.

Irish Girl said...

Niki, my heart is breaking for you. Those pictures are so special and they show how much love you and your husband have for Myles. I am thinking of you and wishing you peace as you remember your son at this difficult time.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

I am so so sorry. I wish I could help you put your heart back together. Your post was beautiful...too beautiful. Thank you for sharing a little bit of the love you have for Myles with everyone. Praying for peace and strength for you and your family.

Bonny said...

I'm so sorry. Very inadequate words, I know, but my heart really breaks for you. Your time with Myles was way too short.

Megs said...

So sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength through this hard time. Sending you lots of hugs.

Jen said...

thinking of you.

travelaunt7 said...

I'm sorry Niki. Anniversaries are hard. You don't deserve such sadness. You're in my thoughts.
Linda

Rebecca said...

Aw babe, my heart just breaks thinking that I was too busy to remember to send a message to you about the anniversary of Myles' death. I feel like a horrible friend. I do think of you and Myles and Josh every day, I hope you know that. Wishing I could turn back time so this horrible unfairness would never have happened to you.

Remembering Myles with smiles...

Much love,
Becca

SMK said...

O Niki I am so sorry. Anniversaries are hard you are in my thoughts and on my mind. Take care of yourself. I wish I was there to give you my shoulder to lean on.. I am here for you whatever you need. Take care.

Addysmommy said...

I'm so sorry Niki.. (((BIGHUGS)))

Heather said...

Niki,

I'm so sorry. The picture of Myles looking up at you broke my heart. Oh, life is just so unfair.

Tash said...

Six months is such a tough milestone. Thinking of you today.

Larisa said...

I'm so sorry. What you wrote is a beautiful tribute to Myles

mrsmuelly said...

I am so sorry that you are facing this very sad anniversary. It is so very apparent how loved your precious Myles is. I know he is watching over his parents today, helping you to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

~Denise~ said...

Myles continues to touch your lives as well as many of ours. He will not be forgotten. His days were precious and they've left so many memories for you. Hold them tight.

Sending big hugs your way Niki.

Lost in Space said...

I am so sorry. I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you.

Your love for Myles emanates in your photos and words.

Your strength is inspirational and your journey so courageous. Thank you for sharing your heart and for bringing me to your blog.

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending hugs your way.

Shelby said...

Niki,
I'm a new reader (followed the link from lost in space) and I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your love for your little boy is so clear and I am sure he felt it in the short time he was with you.

Travelwahine said...

I am so sorry for the loss of Myles. He is a beautiful little boy. I wish none of us would ever have to conmemorate death anniversaries. But, unfortunately this is our reality and we must continue to look forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sweet Baby Whispers said...

My heart is with you...I just posted about loosing my daughter 6 months ago on the 22nd. I could never imagine making it 6 months on the day she left us, and now looking to the next 6 months I feel the same way again. I am going to add you to my blogroll so I can keep up with you!

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore said...

He is beautiful, and I am so very sorry. My heart aches for you and your family.