Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thinking about what might have been ...

Today Myles would have been 7 months old. I try to imagine what he would be doing and how he would look today, but I struggle to conjure an image of his smiling face. This makes me sad. I wonder if he would have still looked exactly like Josh or if he would've assumed some of my characteristics? I wonder if his eyes would be big and blue like mine? I'd like to think they would be similar to my eyes as he did have very big, sparkling eyes. I try to picture his cute little plumped up feet and wonder if his funny little toes would still overlap? I imagine that his personality would be similar to my husband's--very laid back--as opposed to my Type A personality. It makes me sad to wonder how different my life would be if Myles was still with us, but I guess that's all I'll have for the rest of my life--memories and wondering about the what-ifs?

I miss Myles more and more each day and wish that I could've had just a few more hours with him. But, realistically I know that no amount of time (well nothing short of a lifetime) would have been enough.

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I need to say thank you to all of you wonderful gals for your kind, caring, and understanding comments. Many of your comments brought tears to my eyes. It's nice to have a supportive community of women who "get it" and other who are truly empathetic. It is my belief that those of us who've struggled have an understanding and empathy that far exceeds anything imaginable by those who've been lucky enough to sail through life on the "happy, ignorant" boat. Of course I wish we all could ride that boat with them, but reality is we can't. So, we ride in strange, foreign boats alone, but we sail these boats with others by our side. We sail through the darkness in a unified fleet together trying to help each other navigate the rough seas in inadequate, broken watercrafts. I'm saddened that others are navigating through this journey with me, but strangely comforted knowing I have others by my side. ((HUGS)) to each and every one of you! Again I thank you!

5 comments:

Infertile Friend said...

I've read some of your blog and I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through. Thanks for commenting on mine - sometimes life really does just suck. I'm wishing you some hope for your FET - that is all we can do is hope for the best these days!

Mrs. Spit said...

Thanks. It's a priveledge and an honour to be able to remember with others. It makes the burden easier.

Can you send me an email, I'm happy to invite you to the new blog, but I don't have an email!

Jen said...

Big hugs Niki! The what if's are the hardest.

Heather said...

Yes, the "what-ifs" are the hardest of all. The only thing that gets me through some days is knowing there are other wonderful, strong women who manage to get through. You're one of them. Thinking of you and sweet Myles.

ourowncreation said...

these milestone dates are so hard.

many hugs to you.