Saturday, August 9, 2008

Not the life I envisioned

I'm having one of those days where I wake up completely depressed and I have to force myself to put on a happy face. It's a beautiful day here in WI and I should be enjoying the remaining days of summer before school starts and the cool air of fall is upon us, but I just can't. I drove through downtown on my way to a catering job (I work for my Aunt's catering business in the summer while I'm on vacation) and saw all these happy families enjoying a local festival. I was immediately jealous and have now spent the rest of the day wondering why that couldn't be me.

I dream of what life should have been like right now ... I envision J and I walking Myles in his stroller (the one I spent hours researching and the one that was the safest for our little guy) through the festival. We look so happy ... we are laughing, holding hands, admiring our beautiful son, and chatting with people we know about how cute Myles is and how big he's getting. We are the perfect family that I've dreamed of for the past 3.5 years. Life is grand!

Fuck, red light! Breaks slammed on and I return to the present ... reality slaps me in the face as I see a happy couple pushing a stroller across the street and realize that I'm fantasizing about someone else's life, their life not mine. As I watch them cross the street I begin to cry as I picture the safest, expensive stroller that hasn't been used collecting dust in a an empty nursery. We are not a happy family and we don't laugh very often. We've spent the majority of the summer within the safe walls of our house. We most certainly do not attend festivities. We have nothing to celebrate. We are sad. We are angry. We are heartbroken and lost. Our son died--Myles our amazing little miracle baby died in our arms one week short of 6 months ago today. Our family outings will only ever be J and I visiting Myles' grave. This is not the life we envisioned. This life is more like living in hell.


Mrs. Spit said...

Oh Niki:

I'm sorry. The adjustment from what was supposed to be, to what is, truly it is the hardest thing.

It hits me especially after a bad day at work - the "you know, I'm supposed to be home on Mat. Leave, not fighting with you. . . ."

The days get a bit easier as they go by.

SMK said...

Niki - I am so sorry you are feeling so down, my heart just aches for you. THe hurt never goes away you will just have less days like these. Try to think forward to your FET coming up. I am here if you need to talk.

Addysmommy said...

Niki, I'm so sorry. There will always be those what could have beens. :( Always thinking of you! (((BIGHUGS)))

Anonymous said...

I hate reality. Hugs.

Busted said...

I'm so, so sorry sweetie. It isn't fair at all - that is the life you should be living, and it's awful that Myles isn't with you.

Thank you so much for your comment on my blog re: my lining. I'm so sorry I haven't been commenting here - I think I messed up and thought I'd put you on my google reader but didn't, so I am just catching up on posts now. I'm incredibly sorry for your recent miscarriage - as if you haven't been through enough. Best of luck with your upcoming FET.

~Denise~ said...

I'm sorry Niki. (((HUGS)))