Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Is this real?

I keep asking myself that question repeatedly. It seems so surreal to me that we are expecting a baby. I don't miss the physical worries that accompany pregnancy for a recurrent miscarrier like me. I sleep better knowing that my baby is in a healthy, nurturing environment and don't have to stress about when preeclampsia is going to strike. I feel so lucky. However, it doesn't feel real. I think seeing the baby on ultrasound made it seem more real, but I'm not quite able to fully let myself feel this. Of course I'm still guarding myself. I'm hoping that with each passing day I will take down small pieces of this wall, so I can truly enjoy this beautiful journey!

I want to thank all of you for being so excited for us! You are a wonderful group of people and we're so fortunate to have you all cheering us on. Having all of you standing by my side means the world to me. This is going to be an amazing ride, so hold on to your seats!

I have some photos that I wanted to share from our 1st ultrasound:




I know how a pregnancy announcement can sting for those of you who are still in the trenches. IF is a horrible battle and after 4 years in and out of the trenches, I’ve experienced that pain. I know that you are happy for me and I appreciate that, but I also know that someone else's pregnancy is a tough reminder of what you don't have. I get that and I empathize with those of you who are going through that. As most of you know this journey has been a long, rough one for me just as it’s been for many of you. Sure I’m one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant, but I’m also one of the unfortunate ones who repeatedly miscarries. I’m also the rarity who got a very severe case of preeclampsia super early and had to deliver my son way too soon. I’m also the unlucky one who’s son wasn’t among the 85% who survive when born at 26wks gestation. So, I know the pain and sadness that IF brings. I refuse to forget the journey I’ve been on and will always be here to support my friends in the trenches.

Using a gestational carrier was initially a consolation for me. I didn’t enter into it lightly, but I definitely gave up a huge part of my dream. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to carry another baby or that I didn’t dream about feeling him/her kicking around inside me. However, I came to a point in my journey where I knew I wasn’t able to have it all. I decided that putting my baby in a safer environment was more important than my desires. Mommies make sacrifices for their children every day and that’s what I did for mine. This baby is already loved and will enter the world under different conditions than I imagined, but this baby will enter this world from wonderful K's uterus into our loving arms in such an amazing, special way!

19 comments:

Lori said...

OMG you made me cry ....I've been lurking on your blog for a while , Im also a former RMIA patient from 2005 & 2006 ... I to delivered my
1st baby boy @ 28 weeks , and he passed , I then went onto have b/g twins.....so there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Your amazing to give up part of your dreams to bring a baby into this world with your cousins help...CONGRATS TO U :):)

Lori

Jacinta said...

You guys are amazing. Thanks for sharing your inspirational story with us. It is just so wonderful and I am so happy for you. I can see a little of Myles in both you and your hubby, so I hope his brother or sister is just as gorgeous! Hooray!

Heather said...

What beautiful photos; thank you SO much for allowing us to be a part of this special journey with you.

Lost in Space said...

So happy for you, sweetie, and praying that all continues to go well. You have been on the wrong side of statistics for much too long and I want your next months to be full of peace and happiness.

Thank you for continuing to share your heart and your journey.

Intending To Be Parents said...

I am soooo excited for you!! What wonderful photos! You all make a fantastic team and this baby is going to be so incredibly loved!

R said...

I'm so happy for you guys. Your story brings me so much inspriration. The photos are beautiful can't wait to see what you write next.

Lisa said...

Niki - you are so awesome. For you to continue to think of others is really something. I want you to enjoy every freaking second of this, to relish in it, to delight in it - you totally deserve every single shred of happiness you can get.

BTW, tell K I think she looked gorgeous at the U/S

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

What a wonderful outlook! There is no doubt how much your little one is already loved. :)

momsoon said...

You don't know how thrilled I am to see these pictures and know that your second child is making his/her way to you, his parents.

I feel the same way about the surrogate path. I have become less attached to my desire and more attached to what (may) be best for our embryos/child.

Your cousin is amazing (she looks so beautiful in these pictures) and I can't wait to follow along during these exciting nine months.
Yeahhhhhh!

Shantay said...

Hey. Such great news and pictures. I am so happy your dream is becoming reality! The excitement will grow each passing day!

Jason said...

Your post today brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for being an inspiration to so many women.

Duck said...

It's so true that it doesn't feel real when your not carrying the baby, I think the Mr. Duck and I are in shock at getting a postive pee stick and can't wait to see real numbers tomorrow, as someone who has never ever been pregnant I have no idea about the bad things that I'm "missing out on" nor the good, but, you put it very right, as a parent you make sacrificies for your children and my dream of being pregnant was just that a dream, I would much rather have the reality of ducklings growing in a safe environment then the dream of beig pregnant.
Hugs.

Kris said...

Niki- You are truly an inspiration and your post was beautiful! I can't wait to see your scrapbook with all of these wonderful memories!

Jen said...

Oh Niki, I am so happy for you and J! I know this baby is meant to be for you!

JN'sMom said...

I'm so thrilled to hear of K's pregnancy. You deserve as much happiness as this pregnancy and new brother or sister to Myles can bring. I believe it will bring a lot. I'm rooting for you guys!

Caba said...

Lovely post. I'm going to pass your blog along to my sister to read. Everyone time we talk and she asks about my pregnancy (I'm her GC) she says "I can't believe they are going to be mine". And I keep saying "Yes, they will be, cause I certainly am not keeping them!"

It's such a bizarre situation ... one I don't think you can fully prepare yourself for before hand. But like you said, the end result is what truly mattered. For my sister, to find out it one fell swoop that she had cancer AND could never get pregnant almost killed her. But now she realizes that although she would have liked to experience pregnancy, the end result is what matters. I'm so excited to follow your journey!

Jaymee said...

I am soooo happy for all three of you. Your road has been so rough. Enjoy the happiness.

SharingaDream said...

What a great post, what I thought truly inspiring was that despite where you are, you do not forget where you came from...IF, and where you've been. Makes one appreciate life so much more I think.

You can't be pregnant, it's a sacrifice and a hard one at that, a dream you had to put aside, and I'm so glad that your emotionally okay with doing that, because when one dream dies, new ones develop. Now you can make new dreams, dreams of your and your surro relationship, dreams of ultrasound appts and delivery dates as a team, dreams of having that baby in your arms safe and sound.

We made up some pretty crazy dreams and fantasies during my journey with my IPs and we worked to make them come true too. It's fun, and their achievable and so worth it.

Our dreams might have been small...like I wanted B to be able to touch his baby through my belly whenever he wanted. At first it seemed like a difficult task, as he is male and it's a bit uncomfortable but that dream came true, by the 3rd trimester he didn't even ask, he'd just put his hand there, it was great.

Lots of little things like that....see what you and your teammate came come up with together!

Less than 8 months till the biggest dream for you does come true!

Tiffany said...

Great pictures, so excited to follow yours and K's journey. What a blessing!