Monday, February 16, 2009

Saying Goodbye Too Soon

Around 4am on 2/15/08 (J's birthday) Myles was very awake and alert. Tanya, one of our favorite nurses, took some of my favorite photos of Mr. Myles in this state. It is very easy to see Myles's beautiful, sparkling eyes so full of spirit and life in these pictures. It's still hard for me to believe that just 12 short hours later the sparkle would be gone from his eyes.

When I looked into Myles's eyes around 4pm I just knew that he was leaving this world. I recall the NICU doc telling me to stay strong and think positively, but for the first time in 25 days I just had a really bad feeling. I talked to Myles and cheered him on through my tears. I touched him and tried to soothe him. I begged and pleaded with the universe to not take him from me. I prayed and prayed and prayed to anyone and everyone who would listen. The doctors and nurses worked tirelessly for almost 8 hours trying to do everything and anything they could to help Myles, but nothing seemed to be helping. Around midnight the same NICU doc who was present at Myles's birth told us that there wasn't anything else they could do for Myles and that his time on this Earth was coming to an end. The doctor told us to spend as much time with Myles as we wanted.

Both J and I took turns holding Myles. We kissed him, hugged him, told him how much we loved him and how proud of him we were. We tried to memorize every single aspect of Myles's tiny body.
As I held Myles for the very last time I tried to figure out how to let him go. I just couldn't bring myself to get the doctor to remove his breathing tube. I felt completely paralyzed and unable to move. J finally convinced me it was time. I was acting selfishly and I knew it. I had to let Myles go. I had to end his pain and free him from this life. I had to say good-bye. I was worried and didn't want Myles to feel any pain. The NICU doc assured me that Myles would go peacefully and that he wouldn't fight it. I held Myles as the doctor removed his breathing tube. I watched as the life slowly left my son's body. I felt his warmth turn to cold. Although I knew Myles was gone, I still couldn't let go of his body. My miracle baby boy who I'd spent so long trying to reach was now gone. Once again I was paralyzed. I was lost. J was in complete shock. Our son had died in my arms and we were now parents of a different kind. We left the NICU with empty arms and shattered hearts.
Myles Lee Anderson (1/21/08 - 2/16/08)

29 comments:

Niki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
N said...

Thank you for posting these. I think they're a real testament to Myles' life, and your amazing love. I'm so sorry.

Heather said...

Remembering your strong, beautiful little man with you, Niki. Wishing you peace today.

Lisa said...

With tears in my eyes, I wish no parent would have to know what you have gone through. I totally understand that feeling of being "a different kind of parent", its a club no one wants to be part of. I find so much in your story that feels familiar to me, and you say it all so beautifully. Sending you warm wishes to get you through this hard day.

Bobbi said...

You and your family are in my thoughts today. Your strength is amazing! Myles is looking down on you and watching over his
sibling(s) and keeping you all safe

Busted said...

Remembering your amazing son today. Thank you, as always, for sharing so much of him and yourselves with us. Even though I've read your whole story several times and seen all the pictures, they are still indescribably moving every time. All our love to Myles and you.

Lisa said...

Thinking of you, J and Myles.

((HUGS))

Lost in Space said...

Thinking of and praying for you all today, Niki. What a strong and beautiful little guy - just like his mama.

Dora said...

Niki, I wish I had words. Sending you lots of love.

Heather said...

Niki, I am just so so sorry. Such a beautiful, sweet little guy.

travelaunt7 said...

What a moving post. It made me cry. I've thought of you and Myles many times today. I wish you strength, comfort, and peace.
Linda

Amber said...

Oh Niki. I am so sorry for the unimaginable pain you've had to endure. But I am so grateful for the joy that Myles was able to bring you. My thoughts are with you today and always.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

What a moving tribute to your amazing little boy.

Sending love and hugs from Florida.

mom23greatgirls said...

Niki - thinking of you, J, and Myles today. Your posts of his life here on earth were beautiful as were the pictures you shared of him.

I'm so sorry Niki and I wish that there were more words I could say but just know that our entire family is wishing you peace today and every day.

~Denise~ said...

Sending you much love today Niki.

Poppy said...

Thinking of the three of you today.

Special hugs.

Sara said...

What a beautiful baby. I hope you could find peace today and a heart filled with the precious memories of the time you had with Myles.

Kay said...

Thinking of you today...and sending lots of warm thoughts your way. What a beautiful son you are mom to. . .What an amazing boy...

sending all our love
Kay and Family

Bonny said...

Niki,
Thinking of you today and remembering your baby Myles. No words seem adequate. Hugs to you.

mylifechronicles said...

Thinking of J and you... You are soo strong! ((HUGS))

mlg- believe N miracles said...

Thank you so much for sharing, you are incredible parents. Myles only knew love from the both you.

Elizabeth said...

Thank you for posting. I'm thinking of you and J (and Myles) this week.

JN'sMom said...

My deepest condolences on your loss of Myles. What a beautiful boy and loving tribute.

Duck said...

Niki,
Thanks for sharing with us your memories of your time with Myles (which always leaves me crying).

TABI said...

Thank you sharing this heartbreaking experience. What a beautiful memorial and it's really a testament to your strength. Sending you big hugs!

Celia said...

I just cannot believe it's been a year. God Bless You.

Cara said...

Your story and pictures are so moving. We've all lost a baby, but lived it in our own intimate way. I can't imagine if you take comfort in the fact that you held him close to your heart as he left this world or if the memory is so overwhelming.

Thank you for sharing your story and your strength. ((hugs))

Dalene said...

What a beautiful little guy. I'm crying for you and Myles. I'm so sorry that he isn't with you.

Travelwahine said...

Thank you for sharing pictures of your little fighter, Myles.
We will remember you today and always. We will never forget.

HUGS to all of you.