Saying Goodbye Too Soon

Around 4am on 2/15/08 (J's birthday) Myles was very awake and alert. Tanya, one of our favorite nurses, took some of my favorite photos of Mr. Myles in this state. It is very easy to see Myles's beautiful, sparkling eyes so full of spirit and life in these pictures. It's still hard for me to believe that just 12 short hours later the sparkle would be gone from his eyes.

When I looked into Myles's eyes around 4pm I just knew that he was leaving this world. I recall the NICU doc telling me to stay strong and think positively, but for the first time in 25 days I just had a really bad feeling. I talked to Myles and cheered him on through my tears. I touched him and tried to soothe him. I begged and pleaded with the universe to not take him from me. I prayed and prayed and prayed to anyone and everyone who would listen. The doctors and nurses worked tirelessly for almost 8 hours trying to do everything and anything they could to help Myles, but nothing seemed to be helping. Around midnight the same NICU doc who was present at Myles's birth told us that there wasn't anything else they could do for Myles and that his time on this Earth was coming to an end. The doctor told us to spend as much time with Myles as we wanted.

Both J and I took turns holding Myles. We kissed him, hugged him, told him how much we loved him and how proud of him we were. We tried to memorize every single aspect of Myles's tiny body.

As I held Myles for the very last time I tried to figure out how to let him go. I just couldn't bring myself to get the doctor to remove his breathing tube. I felt completely paralyzed and unable to move. J finally convinced me it was time. I was acting selfishly and I knew it. I had to let Myles go. I had to end his pain and free him from this life. I had to say good-bye. I was worried and didn't want Myles to feel any pain. The NICU doc assured me that Myles would go peacefully and that he wouldn't fight it. I held Myles as the doctor removed his breathing tube. I watched as the life slowly left my son's body. I felt his warmth turn to cold. Although I knew Myles was gone, I still couldn't let go of his body. My miracle baby boy who I'd spent so long trying to reach was now gone. Once again I was paralyzed. I was lost. J was in complete shock. Our son had died in my arms and we were now parents of a different kind. We left the NICU with empty arms and shattered hearts.

Myles Lee Anderson (1/21/08 - 2/16/08)