Baby Gifts from Cyberfriends

I am feeling so lucky and blessed. Not only do I have beautiful K carrying two healthy boys who are growing big and strong, but I also have so many wonderful friends and family. Some of my friends I know in real life while while others I only know through blogs and messages boards. Most of the women I know in cyberspace have been touched by infertility, preeclampsia, and/or baby loss. These are the women who completely "get it" because they've lived through it and somehow managed to survive the nightmare. These women can lift and warm my soul in ways that others can't.

Last week I received a couple of packages in the mail from women I haven't had the privilege of meeting. One of the gifts was a Moby wrap and came from a fellow blogger, Meg at On the Wrong Side of the Statistics. When I asked for advice about baby carriers sweet Meg shared her love for the Moby wrap and offered to mail me an extra, brand-new Moby wrap that she had received for a shower gift. I was so touched by this random act of kindness. Meg has suffered who own share of heartache and loss on her journey and is now blessed with a beautiful son. I feel so lucky to be on the receiving end of Meg's generosity and can't wait to carry my boys in the carrier when they arrive. Thank you so much Meg for your kindness!

The other gifts came from a fellow preeclampsia survivor and IVF vet, JC. I met JC on IVFC while I was cycling in July '07 and have "known" her ever since. When Myles died JC and her dear husband sent us a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I was deeply touched by JC's willingness to reach out to me in a time of deep and utter despair. Although we had been chatting on-line for several months, we were virtual strangers. I won't forget this amazing act of kindness. I may not know J in real life, but I have been touched by her warm, caring personality. Through the miracle of IVF J has been blessed with 4 beautiful boys (her oldest are twins) and she sent me two gifts that she couldn't live without. One is a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins by Marc Weissbluth and a cd of baby lullabies by Nicollette Larson (which are peaceful, melodic sounds). I hope that both of these items work as well for us with our boys as they did for JC and her boys! Thank you so much JC--you are such a kind soul!

The kindness of IF strangers turned friends

I just want to say that I hope my previous post didn't offend anyone. My dear friend, S, gave me some enlightening perspective on why not everyone visits the cemetary as often as I do and it makes complete sense. As S reminded me I go to Myles's grave to grieve a loss that is still fresh and raw whereas many others go to a grave of their long lost loved ones once in awhile simpley to pay tribute. I feel terrible for being annoyed and for saying this becaue I think I may have given the impression that going once a year isn't enough or doesn't show true love or sadness over a loss. I didn't mean that and am grateful that S helped me understand. Please accept my apologies if I may have offended you.

I have been meaning to give a shout out to my dear IF blogger friend, Cortney, for an amazing and kind thing she did for me. Cortney noticed me mention the high out-of-pocket costs we incurr for Endo.metrin and offered to send me a bunch of extra that she had. Cortney isn't cycling at the moment, but has some embabies waiting for her in the freezer when she's ready. Since she's currently in limbo and her insurance covers the meds, she was happy to give it to someone who needed it. I was so touched and appreciative of her offer. I immediately messaged her to say that I (I mean K) would love the meds, so she packaged them up and sent them my way.

When I got home from work on Friday I saw a large box on my front steps, which I immediately opened to find the Endo.metrin and a number of other goodies! There was a long, heartfelt hand-written letter from Cortney explaining all of the other gifts in the package. She thoughtfully included a box of brownie mix for me to make for K after the ET, four frisbees to give to K's boys, a ceramic frog to put on Myles's grave (shown in previous post), and four boxes of Endo.metrin plus a few loose suppositories (this much would cost me over $1000). Cortney said that she wanted to "send a little hope and love" with her gift, so she included two heart-shaped stones that say "love" and "hope". I feel so fortunate to be so loved and am very full of hope for this cycle. Not too long ago Cortney donated some of her stimming meds to another girl who ended up getting a bfp, so we're hoping that the rest of her meds are just as lucky! I am so moved and amazed by Cortney's kindness. I met Cortney on a message board and now consider her to be my friend. Thank you for being so darn amazing Cortney. Please pop over to her blog to tell her just how wonderful she is!

Your Thoughts?

I apologize for my absence in the blogosphere. I've been dealing with some drama on a message board that has made me quite upset. I won't get into the details here because that will just fuel the fire, but suffice it to say that stepping out on a limb to help protect the feelings of "friends" has made my life a soap opera over the last week! I've decided to try to ignore the drama as much as I can (short of the borderline insults one girl flung at my love for Myles) and continue on with my life, but there's one thing that I can't stop thinking about. One of the girls who was creating the drama told me that my blog is "sad" and she said that I've chosen to focus on the negative that has resulted from his death. She went on to say that I chose to not have faith and hope in my future. I don't feel like this is an accurate description of me at all. Yes, I am sad and I am bitter about Myles's death, but overall I'm still hopeful about my future. Sometimes I wonder if I'm naively hopeful about my future. So, I wanted to ask all of you who regularly read my blog if you get the overall sense that I'm a pessimist and that I lack hope. Please be honest. I like to think that I'm brutally honest, but that I'm also someone with a natural inclination to be hopeful. What do you think?

I feel the love

I feel so loved by all of you and by those close to me in my life. Thank you so much for all of your kind words yesterday. It was a tough day for me with a ton of tears, but I made it through and am happy that I don't have to deal with that day again for another 365 days!

I feel fortunate that a handful of my amazing friends and family remembered that I am a mother and called me, sent cards and emails, and a couple sent gifts. My mom gave me a beautiful hanging basket of flowers. My dear friend, D, left me a beautiful plant and wonderful mother's day card on my front steps yesterday. I have to say that D has been my biggest supporter through all of my IF struggles. D is always there for me! She remembers the tough days, she spends countless hours listening to me complain and cry, she supports me and cheers me on even while going through her own difficulties, and D always acknowledges Myles's days. Unfortunately D is one of us--she's battled IF for way to any years to count and at the current moment she and her dh are choosing to live child-free. D is one of the most caring, compassionate, understanding, loving people I've ever met. She is really a natural "mother" and it saddens me that she has not been blessed with a child. This is why I will never understand IF--it is so unfair! D you are an amazing, strong woman and I feel so fortunate to call you my friend! Thank you for being you!

Wow & K's Penthouse Uterus

Wow is really all I can think to say. When I told J that 78 people commented that they regularly read my blog his response was "wow, did you say 78?" Yep and that doesn't include my non-blogging friends who can't post comments without signing up for a Blogg.er account. I can literally feel the love and positive thoughts flowing our way and it makes me smile. I can not thank you enough for coming out of the shadows to say hello and for following my journey!

It warms my heart to hear that so many of you watched my tribute video to Myles and that it moved you in some small or big way. It is music to my ears to hear you whisper the soft syllables of my son's name and to hear you say that his fight was an inspiration to you. Although I wish that my words did not resonate with so many of you, I am happy that you are able to find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this struggle. You are all brave women (and men) who face each hurdle with as much grace and dignity as possible. Please don't ever forget that. For those of you who read, but do not know the pain of infertility or babyloss I must say thank you for trying to learn and understand. I wish more people were willing to look into the sad eyes and broken heart of an infertile and attempt to empathize with our daily struggles. For those of you who are following my blog because you are inspired and moved by K's generosity and strength I must tell you I'm right there with you. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't say praises for K and her wonderful, supportive family. K is an amazing, brave woman and a damn good teammate! I am grateful for whatever brought you hear and keeps you coming back. It's an incredible feeling to know that I have a such a strong, supportive army of people surrounding me as I continue to walk through the "flames" in pursuit of our dream.

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Um, no I don't mean the smutty kind of Pent.house when I'm talking about K's uterus (although it did look rather sexy on the ultrasound today), but rather the posh, highrise luxury apartment kind. I joked with K at the beginning of our journey that her uterus is like a penthouse and mine is more like a dilapidated shack. Well today K's uterus maintained its penthouse reputation and looked perfect on the SHG. My RE said that the D&C didn't seem to cause any problems for K's uterus and that we are all clear to go ahead with our cycle in June! We are over the moon and now anxiously await our calendar, which I was assured we'd have by the end of next week. :)

Come out, come out wherever you are

Thank you so much for your open and honest comments regarding my recent post. It was nice to hear how many of you try to make sense or tragedies or for the majority of us how we are unable to make sense of them. I'm currently reading The Sha.ck and plan to read The Pow.er of N.ow in the future and am hoping that both are able to bring me a bit of enlightenment. But for now I will just be as I am discontent with not understanding the bad things that happen to good people.

After reading the comments by some first time commenters (some who identified themselves as longtime readers) it got me wondering who else might be reading but not commenting. I know that several people IRL read my blog, but few of you comment. I would LOVE to hear from all of my readers, so please just post a hello comment to this thread. I'm not looking for profound words or anything, just a simple hello. If you don't blog, you can still comment using the "Anonymous" option. Also, I'd love to know how you found my blog and why you read it. I often wonder why people read my blog. I wonder is it because it's like a car accident that you can't stop staring at or is it because you are just rooting for me, "the underdog", to have a happy ending. Either way I'm just curious what brings you to my small place in cyberspace to hear about my struggles, particularly becaue it's not always rainbows and roses here. Now don't be shy. Please step up to introduce yourself! I can't wait to "meet" all of you! :)

Is this real?

I keep asking myself that question repeatedly. It seems so surreal to me that we are expecting a baby. I don't miss the physical worries that accompany pregnancy for a recurrent miscarrier like me. I sleep better knowing that my baby is in a healthy, nurturing environment and don't have to stress about when preeclampsia is going to strike. I feel so lucky. However, it doesn't feel real. I think seeing the baby on ultrasound made it seem more real, but I'm not quite able to fully let myself feel this. Of course I'm still guarding myself. I'm hoping that with each passing day I will take down small pieces of this wall, so I can truly enjoy this beautiful journey!

I want to thank all of you for being so excited for us! You are a wonderful group of people and we're so fortunate to have you all cheering us on. Having all of you standing by my side means the world to me. This is going to be an amazing ride, so hold on to your seats!

I have some photos that I wanted to share from our 1st ultrasound:

I know how a pregnancy announcement can sting for those of you who are still in the trenches. IF is a horrible battle and after 4 years in and out of the trenches, I’ve experienced that pain. I know that you are happy for me and I appreciate that, but I also know that someone else's pregnancy is a tough reminder of what you don't have. I get that and I empathize with those of you who are going through that. As most of you know this journey has been a long, rough one for me just as it’s been for many of you. Sure I’m one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant, but I’m also one of the unfortunate ones who repeatedly miscarries. I’m also the rarity who got a very severe case of preeclampsia super early and had to deliver my son way too soon. I’m also the unlucky one who’s son wasn’t among the 85% who survive when born at 26wks gestation. So, I know the pain and sadness that IF brings. I refuse to forget the journey I’ve been on and will always be here to support my friends in the trenches.

Using a gestational carrier was initially a consolation for me. I didn’t enter into it lightly, but I definitely gave up a huge part of my dream. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to carry another baby or that I didn’t dream about feeling him/her kicking around inside me. However, I came to a point in my journey where I knew I wasn’t able to have it all. I decided that putting my baby in a safer environment was more important than my desires. Mommies make sacrifices for their children every day and that’s what I did for mine. This baby is already loved and will enter the world under different conditions than I imagined, but this baby will enter this world from wonderful K's uterus into our loving arms in such an amazing, special way!