Thursday, May 21, 2009

Your Thoughts?

I apologize for my absence in the blogosphere. I've been dealing with some drama on a message board that has made me quite upset. I won't get into the details here because that will just fuel the fire, but suffice it to say that stepping out on a limb to help protect the feelings of "friends" has made my life a soap opera over the last week! I've decided to try to ignore the drama as much as I can (short of the borderline insults one girl flung at my love for Myles) and continue on with my life, but there's one thing that I can't stop thinking about. One of the girls who was creating the drama told me that my blog is "sad" and she said that I've chosen to focus on the negative that has resulted from his death. She went on to say that I chose to not have faith and hope in my future. I don't feel like this is an accurate description of me at all. Yes, I am sad and I am bitter about Myles's death, but overall I'm still hopeful about my future. Sometimes I wonder if I'm naively hopeful about my future. So, I wanted to ask all of you who regularly read my blog if you get the overall sense that I'm a pessimist and that I lack hope. Please be honest. I like to think that I'm brutally honest, but that I'm also someone with a natural inclination to be hopeful. What do you think?

52 comments:

meinsideout said...

I am enraged reading that someone would say that to you. You are an amazing woman and have inspired me on many, many occasions with your honesty. The words I think of when I think of you are brave, giving, compassionate, strong, witty and above all, your amazing love for Myles and your never-ending hope that you will have his brother and/or sister in your arms someday.

((HUGS)) to you.

Cortney said...

Niki,

You already know how I feel about the greenstar chick that popped in out of know where. She honestly as just a lurker had no buisness even posting. She can lurk all she wants but she shouldn't have even said anything. hell she couldn't even introduce herself properly before butting in. Beside her being rude, you are not a pesimist, and your blog is not sad. I think your blog is a wonderful way to keep the memory of Myles so close to everyones hearts and your way of growing closer to your little guy even though you have to do it in a different way the most other mommies. Like I told you before, you are a wonderful, strong and straight forward person that I think so much of. The only problem is other people who can not handle life not being sugar coated. Keep your chin up, you are amazing! dont let anyone make you think any differently.

Duck said...

I hate the boards, for these reasons, you get women who like to stir up shit for the sake of it (or are just plain ignorant) so as you may notice, I am absent.(but I will stop by and sling some in your honour if you like)

Is your blog sad - sometimes life is sad - your baby died - that IS sad - but, you are also happy, you're hopeful - you and your blog are a lot of things - and certainly not just sad.

SuzyQ said...

As someone completely on the outside "looking" in to your life...(not sure how I originally found your blog), I think you continue to be quite upbeat most of the time. Sometimes, I am not sure how you continue to forge ahead with such a great attitude. I continue to read, hopeful for all of you that your admirable persistance will be rewarded!! Your tribute to your son Myles was lovely to watch....

Bluebird said...

Quite the contrary. I'm continually in awe of your ability to persevere and maintain hope after everything and through it all. And if things get shaky, I sense that you step back and reassess, and then deliberately move forward. I so admire that.

I'm so sorry anyone's been cruel to you. And I've missed you around here :)

Mrs. Spit said...

Sad? Yes. That's the normal, natural reaction to the death of your baby, and having to change your conception plans to include K the wonder surrogate (let's get her a cape!)

Bitter? Never. Bitter doesn't keep trying to conceive. Bitter doesn't educate women about pre-e. Bitter doesn't hold out hope for the next cycle. Bitter focuses on what was, not what will be. Bitter can't let go of the pain of the past, to embrace the future.

No, Niki, you aren't bitter. Not at all, and I am more sorry than you can know that a miserable, unhappy person blew into your life and made you think that you were.

Rhonda and Gerry W said...

That's CRAP! It's your personal blog and you can write what you want when you want! People who don't like it, don't have to read. Like most of us our blogs are to share with family and friends our journeys, happiness, fears, failures and successes and along with that are a TON of emotion.

Keep on blogging darling you are strong, wonderful amazing woman!

Amy said...

You would not be moving forward if you were not hopeful.

thentherewere3 said...

Not at all. If you're like me, you keep your blog in part to HELP you work through grief, so it only makes sense that there would be some focus on sadness. However I definitely don't get the vibe that you are always miserable! You seem normal to me... you have good days and bad days, just like any other mom out there. That is life! I think you have a perfectly healthy balance. You are very positive and hopeful for the future, and you still remember Myles.

Busted said...

I am SO angry that anyone would dare to speak negatively about your love for Myles or to criticize your blog, your feelings, and the way you grieve. Especially when she is TOTALLY wrong. I dare her to have a child die and have ANY hope. I don't think you're a pessimist at all, you have been through so much, and the fact that you are still trying, still moving forward, impresses me to no end. I don't know that I would have the same strengh. If that doesn't exhibit hope and optimism I don't know what does. Yes, you are often sad, often scared at what the future holds, but who wouldn't be? That doesn't define your blog, what defines your blog is your overwhelming love for Myles and how that love propels you forward.

Grrrr....please don't let people like this affect you. She is SO wrong.

Elise said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bonny said...

Losing your child is sad, more than sad. I do not think that your blog is just about being sad. And this is your space, your blog that is your thoughts, feelings and your experiences. I am so sorry that someone would try to tell you how you should be expressing yourself and your journey on your own blog! I am so sorry that some people are just a horse's ass. Please do not let this person upset you any more. Love to you.

Kelly said...

You know my take on the forums. You win some, you lose some. But sometimes our emotions take over when we would normally push comments like that aside. If you weren't hopeful, you wouldn't be trying again.

((Niki))

Caroline said...

Niki...You are an inspiration to me and so many other women out there.
I am sorry that you have had to deal with these dramas, and I have missed reading your blog. Please don't pay any attention to those comments.
My opinion of your blog is that you have a huge heart, an enduring love for Miles, and a hope for the future that (like many of us in the IF world) has been a bit shaken by our experiences.
You are a beautiful person. Never forget that. xx

Jess said...

Yes, you are sad...who wouldn't be after losing a child? I'm sad and my babies were only considered fetuses. Your baby was born...you held him, touched him and loved him more than life itself. I think the person who told you those horrible things is the one who is pessimistic and sad...what a miserable soul because a good person would never have said those things to you!

I think you are hopeful and excited about the future or you wouldn’t be trying again with K. I am sorry this person hurt you and made you question yourself because they are the ones who need to look in the mirror not you!

Hang in there hun!

Heather said...

Your blog is one of the most hopeful babylost blogs I know.

That woman obviously has no clue.

Kris said...

Niki- If you didn't have hope, you wouldn't be walking forward and trying to create life again. You have every right to be sad and to miss your baby boy. For someone to attack that love you have for him is just plain disgusting. We are all entitled to our emotions and until we have walked in another's shoes, we really should not judge- regardless of the situation.

I hope you can send this nasty bitch over to here to read these comments so that she can know how inaapropriate and rude her behavior is. A lot of time we really need to look at the intent of things. When you attack someone's love for their child who is in heaven, well, no matter what the intent is not good. Period.

Jacinta said...

Niki, I am inspired by your courage and ability to keep going. The love you have for your son shines through all the time. I think these are the important things..

seiser said...

I don't find your blog to be negative. I find it to be hopeful and truthful. I can't imagine what losing a child feels like, and I don't want to. My feelings about reading your thoughts I hope makes me a more sensative individual in real life. I hope I am getting my thoughts across because this is your space of the internet world. You should be allowed to do what you want with it and if this person thinks that you are too negative or such then don't read the blog!!!!!!!!!!! In the meantime, you keep writing your feelings and I am going to keep being optimistic for your future!

Andrea said...

PLEASE.

Who is this stooge who wrongly proclaimed you as a pessimist? That really ices my cupcake, seriously. You're blog is so hopeful and so beautiful and sure there are times that you write about being sad but WTF, life is not all sunshine and lollipops!

Keep being you!

MFA Mama said...

The fact that you are still getting up every day, never mind still trying to fulfill your dream of bringing a little one home, never mind SHARING it speaks volumes. Of course you're sad sometimes. It would say worse things about your character if you weren't. There are always hateful people on the Internet. Don't let the turkeys get you down!

Maureen said...

Yes, you do seem sad that Myles is not with you. But I think that is natural.

On many occasions, I am impressed with how you give to others (such as at Christmas time for one example).

Your strength and tenancity with surrogacy, and being able to go to it shows hope.

This blog is not "all roses" but it is your life, hopeful and wistful; happy and sad.

-c said...

I've just started reading- like in the last 6 months or so- and I'd DEFINITELY say you are NOT depressing or sad. I love how shit gets you down and you deal with it, and then you look torwards the best path for you. I don't think you wallow in your pain, but of course you have those moments- we all do.

Sounds like lots of drama. Ufta.

Kay said...

Ok.. you had better email me which site.. because I will go in there and kick butt for you.. what a stupid idiot! No hope or Faith?? Dear God .. you have not given up... you are still on the journey.. ohhhh I am so steamed up!! You will NEVER "get over" losing Myles! You have moved on with your life and your journey to bringing a baby home...but losing your son is not something you "get over" it changes who you are and how you think, it is wound that is healing but there will alway be a scar.. good freaking grief! You just keep blogging here... this is your "safe" place and we are all here for you.. if she doesn't like it... STOP READING IT!! I hope she is reading the comments!! Someone who comes on a site and stirs stuff up like that is called a TROLL for a reason... my mom has been gone 8 years... I still cry when something makes me think of her... I guess I am bitter too then...

Katie said...

Sad some days, oh-so-hopeful many other days. Honest, normal.
I don't think being truthful about your grief is "focusing on the negative". And I think you've proven just how resilient and hopeful you are, going down this path again. With so many of us behind you and cheering you forward.

Tina said...

I think your blog is honest and hopeful. Everyone goes through good and bad days and what makes your blog/story so inspiring to myself and others is that you are so honest with your feelings and thoughts about Myles and everything y'all are going through.

I just don't understand how some people feel it's their place/right to say certain things.

Hope this all blows over soon.

Tina

Mo and Will said...

No. You're definitely not negative. Nor is your blog. That was about her, not you. So sorry you had to even hear it.

Mo

Dora said...

You are not a pessimist! This pisses me off so much! As others have said, this is about her and her discomfort with other's grief. No one gets through life without losing someone. Someday she will be on the other side of this kind of insensitivity, and it will bite her on the ass!

Karen said...

No, your blog is not sad. There are a lot of really sad blogs out there about people who just can't get their lives going again after such a loss but you seem to be very healthy in your dealing with it. Of course you'll never "get over it" or forget him and why should you? Myles is your baby and always will be whether he's here in your arms or in the arms of his Heavenly Father.

Kim said...

niki,

I find you the most brave inspiring woman, and I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog, whether you post sad or happy or in between thoughts. To me I think you have hope, or you would not continue in this journey. I wish you and J only the best, and the h*** with those that don't think good things about you.

Nicole said...

A negative person would not have gotten the super cute shirts that you got for you and K. A negative person would have rolled over, hit the snooze button and pulled the covers over her head. I feel like sometimes I only blog about the bad things in my life. But you know what, it's a blog and my place to let it out. Love you Niki!

Natalia Ritchie said...

I think this: Though I have not lost a child, I have lost so much due to my being sick. And I know that staying always up and always positive is really hard, and not realistic. I think bloggers often want to read only the good stuff. Inspiring stories, that make horrific events seem easy and brave. But the fact is, that any journey, any horrific event, has it's horrific moments. I often think that people look at me and say, hey it's not so bad! But the fact is that I have dreadful moments, and when I blog about those dreadful moments, I think people would rather read me tell them how positive I am being and nothing else. That's not a reality of the situation. There are moments that staying positive and realistic is hard, I am sure, when you have watched your baby die.
Saying that, you do write to the public, and people are going to react as they want to, and it's a bit unfair to tell people that they cannot have their opinions about something that you post for the public to read. I know there are people out there that think Martin and I are nuts for having a baby in my position, and they do express it. I let them. If that's how they feel they should live their lives in that way. But I will live mine in the way that I choose to.

You, can live your life as you see fit. You can have the hopes that you want, you can write about the things that you want. Infertility is very difficult, and I do understand the frustration of others who just don't understnad why you would go through all that you are over and over to have another baby. I am not in your position, so I cannot tell you I understand either, but what I do know, is that you and your husband are the only ones that know what is good for you. To know that everything has a boundry. And being realistic is not being negative. As a CF patient I have had a life full of limitations. Life is full of them. Try to have another baby. I wish you more luck than I can muster, but know that your life, your health is worth so much too. And those limits in life, are not a punishment, not gods wrath (I hate when people even think such thoughts), not a failure. Sometimes it's just life.

I admire your strength, and wish for you, more than anything, peace with your decisions. People will make comments. The peace has to be yours.

Edan said...

I am a fellow infertile and stumbled across your blog some time ago and have been here on the sidelines rooting for you ever since.

Of course your blog is 'sad', your baby died and isn't with you. That is sad and anyone who doesn't inherently recognize that doesn't deserve your time or energy.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and I'm not the sort to publish comments or share my thoughts, just a silent lurker gleaning support.

The other day I was overcome with emotion thinking about the amount of adversity you have been dealt and how admirably you have coped with it.

Sharing your uncensored feelings is important and whether you are always aware of it or not, it IS helping other people. Keep doing what you are doing as long as it serves you.

I feel sort of weird saying this, but am compelled to . . . when you think of the coincidences that occur and you feel like it's Myles presence, whether it be a song or an insect or whatever, know that your instinct is true. It IS Myles. And when you think of him and you feel a twinge in your heart, know that that is his soul hugging yours.

I wish you peace on your journey.

amyang said...

You have had a great deal of tragic things happen to you and would not have a heart if your blog was all cheery and full of happy cheesiness. You are most definately not a negative person. In fact when I am feeling down myself somehow your blog can pick me up. Your honesty and pursuit of bringing a baby home is fact enough of being a postive person. Please try not to let stupid people's words eat at you. You are a far better person then they are.

Soko's Journey to Parenthood said...

I think your blog is a true tale of how life in infertility can be. You have lost something so precious and close to your heart that by sharing your story helps oithers understand and also helpsthose who have been in a similar situation.

You have every right to feel the way you do and I know you will never forget or let go of the love you have for Myles in your heart. He is and always will be with you.

I have enjoyed reading your blog and think you are healing in your own way and by sharing that helps you look towards the future. Please try not to let these other people get to you. Sometimes it's just hard for some to understand. By reading your blog I feel like you share with me who Myles was and how specil his few days here on Earth truly were and are! Don't stop, you deserve to be angry, sad, happy and hopeful. It's who you are and one day at a time :0)

Take care, keep yor chin up and keep being YOU :0)

Tracy

SMK said...

sad? you know what is sad... that you have to worry about other people's thoughts and feelings. The POINT of a blog is to be open and honest and its SAD that this person is judging you for being yourself. Sometimes people are just cruel! You are an amazing lady full of love and hope in the face of such darkness. Ignore it and don't let other people's drama drag you down. You have much to focus on now. ;) Take care of yourslef and sending huge hugs!

blueeyedtawni said...

your blog can be sad at times with the memory of your lovely myles..But from my perspective its a raw inner grief combined with love.
BUT when you go through grief and hell what can you write in order to understand yourself?
I love reading your blog. It shows a side of you that has become stronger and hopeful.and i have learned things on here.
Hugs!!!:)

rayettemcg1 said...

Niki,

don't listen to what she has to say. You are an inspiration to many!!!! You are one of the people who helped me through my own fertility struggle and helped me know that I can keeping pushing forward with my journey. Don't waste any more time thinking about what the other person said. You know the truth about who you are and if you choose to write about the sadness in your life that is your business and she should shut her mouth!!!!! This is your space to write and vent. (((Hugs))) Keep on writing!

Jen said...

You are an amazing woman and I think your blog shows your pain, fear and hope.

Karma & Adam said...

Your blog is not "sad" - it is honest, hopeful, raw at times, funny...it is many things. As are you and as is your life, I'm sure. Your story is sad, there's no question about that. For those of us looking in on what you've been through, it's impossible not to feel "sad". But your blog is not sad - you are sharing your precious Myles with us, and you are looking to the future. What's sad about that?

Wewurtskihit said...

Does it really matter what some person says?

yes, sometimes I admit reading your blog gets me down as well. I still LOVE reading it! I LOVE following your story!

I admire you for sharing the hardest, saddest and most aweful times of your life - Myles's death and K's m/c - and because of that we get inspired to deal with the negative in life.

And I can read through your writing that you are positiv. VERY positiv. You just need to let go of the negativ somehow and that is through your writing!!!

Enogh with my ESL babble.

Niki - keep it up. Dont get upset over some bitter woman who probably doesnt understand that through YOUR strength - as blunt and honest as it is - others find THEIR strenght to go on!!

Kim said...

I come to read the blog for your sincerity. You are honest through the good days and the bad. You don't sugar coat the bad days. But to say you have no hope is COMPLETELY inaccurate!! You are full of hope!! So much hope that it pours out and gives others like me that read your blog something to hope for too. I am cheering you, J, and K on every step of the way. I don't know you personally but from what I have read here, you do appear to be full of hope for your future. Just because you remember the road already traveled, doesn't mean you aren't excited and hopeful for the journey ahead ;o)

Debir said...

Ok, going to be a little more blunt than I should be probably, but this is what I think. Who gives a poo what someone else thinks of you or your blog? This is not about someone else and what they think or their opinions.. this is about you, your loss of Myles and trying to cope with that loss every day. Period. Is it sad? Hell yes! You lost your baby. How is it not supposed to be sad? But there is happiness too. Are you hopeful? Yes, desperately, fearfully, sometimes optimisticly, sometimes pessimisticly. You want to hope, but you are scared of hoping, and that is perfectly normal.
I am sorry someone upset you Niki {{{HUGS}}}. Keep your chin up lady, you are an inspiration to alot of people. I know you are to me :)
Debi (SC)

Karla said...

Anyone who has been given the "challenges" that you have over the last six years has the right to feel however they choose. And no I don't think you are negative. I think you have been a source of strength and hope to many who face similar situations. You keep on going and going. I personally am given strength and hope from your journey. So just ignore those people who have negative things to say about you. You are just fine. :)

Sheri-ct said...

I am pissed that someone would say that to you! No, it's not true! You are sad at times, but for God sakes, you lost your son. It would take a completely heartless person to not see that as a normal emotion. I think you have lots of hope for the future. How could you continue to cycle if you didn't? I come here to share your hopes, sadness, dreams and heartache. I did not lose a child, but did struggle for many years to conceive my children and can relate to a lot of your struggles. I also come here because I have lots of hope for you and I am praying for your success. ((((((Hugs))))))

PS- maybe this heartless idiot should find something else to do with her time and stop reading your blog.

darateacher said...

I can't believe what that one person said about your blog! You write very well and from the heart.

you are incredibly strong and good-hearted. Of course, you feel sad about Myles! There'd be something wrong if you didn't feel that way! This person who made that comment should totally understand that.

Anyway, we're all here for you. I look forward to reading your blog entries daily.

Take care!

Dara

Jaymee said...

if you were not hopeful about the future you would not be moving forward with having another child.

as for your blog being a sad place. sure, some parts of it are. you lost your son and that is heartbreaking, it is not supposed to be a happy thing. overall, you are a very postive person that gives me so much strength. i cannot imagine living through the death of a child, much less being willing to try again.

HUGS!!!!

Meredith said...

I can't believe anyone would have the nerve to say something like that to you. Frankly, you are allowed to be sad and bitter if you want to, you lost your precious son. Who wouldn't have be sad and angry after such a devastating loss? That said, your ability to find the positive despite the hell you've been through, to look ahead to future children while still remembering and honoring your son, is inspiring. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

IVF 40+ said...

Hi, just got to your blog through Sprogblogger. The board drama sounds horrendous and brings to light the seedier part of the communication tools online.
I am sorry anyone would act so badly when you are bravely sharing your life. Your blog has been an inspiration to read.

Elize said...

Hi, delurking for the first time. I don't find your blog negative at all, and honestly, does she want to you to focus on the positive of Myles's death? So not natural. You've been hurt, you love and miss your baby, and we all get that. I find your blog strong and hopeful, yet senstive and tender.

About board drama, I've been hurt on a board and it took me by surprise that I could be so hurt by someone who I've never met, and someone who clearly doesn't care. Try and shake it off, but I know from experience the after effects of this will stay with you for a long time.

Wishing you all the best with your IVF, and K is a very special lady for doing this. I wish I had family or friends that could help me, but they either sit without a uterus or they are trying to fall preggers themselves.

Noelle said...

I have been reading your blog for the last several hours, and it is obvious to me that you are an optimist. You are excited about the future. Of course you miss Myles. You love your baby. Your blog has a bit of sadness in it. What has happened to you is sad, very sad. You keep trudging on though, and to me, that is a definite sign that you are a true optimist.

kim said...

I don't know who's blog that she had been reading, but it couldn't be yours. You have your down days of course, you would have to be a robot if you didn't. But I can honestly say that you are inspiring to me. You write beautifully, especially when you talk of your love for Myles. I say, how dare she even critique your blog! Nobody is forced to read. Some parts of your life are sad, emotionally sad, other parts are very uplifting. You have good days, you write about it, same with bad days, as it should be. You lost your son for crying out loud. Maybe she should go find a blog about kittens or something.

I know I'm commenting on this way after the fact, I am reading from the beginning. Couldn't stop myself, some people , UGH.