Sunday, May 10, 2009

I am a Mommy

I am Myles's Mommy. He may not be here today, but he was here 15 months ago. I love my son today just as much as the day he was born. Myles may not seem real to many, but he was very real to me. Myles had 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. He had my big eyes and his Daddy's round nose. Myles was a preemie, but that doesn't make him any less our baby. Preemies are just tiny babies born too soon. I gave birth to Myles. I have the scar to show for it. I nourished Myles with my breast milk. I changed his diapers and comforted him when he was upset. I would've died to save my son, but despite my best efforts I just couldn't save him. I love Myles and my heart aches for him.


Today I may not get recognition as a mother and I may not be celebrated by my child, but I know I am Myles's Mommy and I know in my heart he loves me. Today I will remember the days I spent with Myles and I will remember how it felt to touch his soft skin and hold his tiny, warm body next to mine. Today I will quietly celebrate my motherhood in solitude.

31 comments:

Linda said...

You are a mommy and you have a beautiful son. Happy Mother's Day!

Bonny said...

Niki, you are very much a mommy as anyone else with living children are. It saddens me so much that Myles is not here to be with you this day. But you will always be a mom to Myles. Love to you today and always.

Duck said...

Of course you are a mother, and your son is/was gorgeous.
happy mothers day.

Katie said...

Thinking of you and your sweet son today.

Mrs. Spit said...

Every time I see you with Myles, I think what a beautiful baby. And what a wonderful mum.

You do such a good job of honouring Myles' memory, or parenting him in the way that you can.

Happy Mother's Day.

Mo and Will said...

This is a beautiful post. Of COURSE you are a mother. Thinking of you today.

Mo

Soko's Journey to Parenthood said...

Myles is so blessed to have you as his Mommy and he watches over you every day and loves you just as much from Heaven.

Happy Mother's Day.

Take care,
Tracy

Mike and Alicia said...

I honor you this Mothers Day for your strength, your spirit, for being Myles Mommy. He is with you.
:)Alicia

Ruth said...

Myles was so lucky to have YOU for his Mommy. You were the best Mommy he could have ever had and are a strong and brave woman and mom. Just because Myles is not here with you, your mommyhood is not diminished. You are a mom and always will be a wonderful mom.

Rebecca said...

Yes, you are a wonderful Mommy! I'm thinking of you and Myles today, and sending you love!

Tina said...

You are a mommy and always will be! Your Myles Mommy :) Have a wonderful day remembering the time you had with him. He was a very lucky little boy to have you as him mommy! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

Kris said...

Happy Mother's Day, Niki!

Tom and Margit said...

You are a beautiful mother and deserve special recognition on this day! Myles is a lucky son!

HUGS!

Karma & Adam said...

You are, and will always be, a mother. Nothing can take that away from you. Wishing you happy memories of Myles today : )

TeriLynn said...

You are a VERY PROUD MOMMY of Myles! He is very proud of you today! He is looking down on you! Niki, I hope you have the most wonderful mothers day! Myles is playing with my little angles!!!

Dora said...

Yes. You. Are. Big hug to you!

N said...

You are indeed an amazing mother. You honor Myles in wonderful ways. Wishing you a day filled with sweet memories of your baby boy.

lisa_cleary said...

This is my first Mother's Day after the loss of my son 2/16/09. I wish I had known that I'm not supposed to consider my self a Mom. Not one person has acknowledged it, not even my own Mother. I carried him, I gave birth to him, and I held him while he died. I know I'm a Mom others don't seem to think so. I understand your pain, more than I ever wanted to know.

Heidi said...

Niki- You ARE an amazing Mommy and you always will be. It is so sad that Myles was only able to be with you and J on this earth for a short while, but I know in my heart that you will all be reunited one day. Happy Mothers Day, Sweetie! Love you!

meinsideout said...

((HUGS))

Erin said...

Happy mother's day, friend.

xoxo,
E

Andrea said...

Thinking of you, your husband and Myles on this Mother's Day. You are a great Momma. :)

MyLifeMyWorld-SharingADream said...

You dont'need to quietly celebrate it, you are a MOMMY and always will be.

A tough day for you, I'm sorry, but Myles is with you and always will be, I believe that.

Sara said...

Happy Mother's Day, Niki. I am thinking of you and Myles today. You are a wonderful mother. Hope you found some peace today remembering your perfect son.

jill said...

Hi Niki, Im a lurker from Soulcysters (jill7755), but just had to tell you Happy Mothers Day to the most courageous mother of us all! Myles the fighter was certainly his mother's son and I KNOW that you will give him siblings one day.

Wewurtskihit said...

you ARE a mother and always will be. NO ONE can take that away from you - EVER!!!

I am certain that on this day Myles is looking to you from wherever he is - proud to be your son!

Soon you will be blessed with another child/children and Myles will again look down on you with pride knowing you will be the best mom you can be -just as you were for him albeit for the shortest of times!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

Mark

Tina said...

Happy Mother's Day. You are still such a wonderful mother. I hope you have a peaceful day.

Tina

Kelly said...

(((Niki))) *sniff*

Just Me. said...

I just saw your video and am in a total mess! It makes me so sad that Myles is not here with you today. Your son is waiting for you in heaven, and that you will get to hold him in your arms.

With a big hug *not letting go* and still sobbing,
Pam

Jenna said...

Happy Mother's Day! You will always be a mom and I applaud you with how wonderfully you honour Myles' memory...your love is so evident and I can only imagine how your heart must ache.

Sending you big hugs from one mom to another,
Jenna (Karma's sister)

michellemiller said...

I am furious about the horrible things that people have said to you. I’m just kinds curious where Greenstar came from and how she thought she had the right to judge anyone and try to come off like she wasn’t. Yes, some of your blog is sad. You lost your son Myles if it wasn’t sad that that wouldn’t be realistic. You are a very strong person and I don’t think for a minute that you are being pessimistic. Otherwise you wouldn’t be doing another IVF cycle. That shows hope and desire to get what you want. Everyone deals with grief differently and to judge each other is so wrong. You have been nothing but supportive and positive to me. I wish you the best of luck with your upcoming cycle!!!