Sunday, May 3, 2009

May Day and Myles

I thought by distracting myself with activities I could forget about the significance of May 1--the day in 2008 when Myles was supposed to be born--but really all it did was delay the inevitable emotional meltdown. I had a girl's night in party with some of my friends from work on Friday night. We drank X-rated martinis and wine. We ate a variety of delectable appetizers and indulged in decadent chocolates. We chatted and had a nice time. It was a great distraction. By the time they left I was exhausted and fell asleep immediately, which was great because I didn't have time to think.

Yesterday I was busy with a variety of things, but when we went to K's for a bonfire I watched her two little boys play with her friends three little boys and I was hit with the reality that I'll never get to see Myles do any of those things I watched them do. The fact is that I'll never get to see Myles again. While sitting around the fire we were listening to K's I.pod on shuffle and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole came on. I was already thinking of Myles, but this song took me back to the day we buried him. We played this song while we released 26 rainbow-colored balloons at his burial service. I'm certain that J was thinking about it too and K even mentioned that she remembered this song at Myles's funeral. I tried to ignore it, so I wouldn't burst into tears in front of K's friends. After this song finished the next song that played was "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. As most of you know this is one of the songs that I put on Myles's tribute video. It's also one of the songs that played at his funeral. I was in total disbelief that as I was thinking of Myles and all that I'd be missing with him two songs that will forever be etched in my mind as Myles's songs played back to back on K's I.pod. K noticed it too and kept saying how strange it was.

Today the inevitable happened ... I had a total meltdown. I woke up to see the sun shining, but I didn't feel sunny inside at all. I felt completely knocked down and sad. Despite the fact that I would've liked to stay in bed all day I got up and ran some errands. On the way home I started crying and couldn't stop. I've been crying on and off all day long. I miss Myles so much that it physically hurts. I will spend the rest of my life with an aching heart. I may not cry every day anymore, but it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt just as much as it did the day Myles died. It does and it will always hurt. I get the impression that some people think once I have another baby my heart will no longer be broken, but what they don't realize is that nothing is ever going to fill this giant hole in my heart. This is the wound that my son's death has left on me and it's a wound that I will bare for life.

15 comments:

Rebecca said...

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry. I wish I could offer more than (((HUGS))). It's just not fair. I would like to think maybe, though, that the songs were a sign from Myles, letting you know that he knows how hard these days have been, and that he loves you. Of course if that doesn't help, or if I've said the wrong thing, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of you always.

Kelly said...

Those songs are a sign from above. Myles knew you were thinking of him and he wanted you to know he was thinking of you too. (((Niki)))

M said...

no one who has been touched by loss would ever think that with a new baby, your heart will be whole again. sure, it will expand and grow and love that new child, but nothing will ever fill in the hole left by the loss of myles. i find that with time passing, the grief is changing... it isn't so sharp and raw anymore, but it some ways it is more profound. as it is really sinking in just how much i'll never get to see my girls experience. my dreams about them are just that -- dreams, and i will never get to see how the reality would have been.

sorry, didn't mean to hijack your post. it just touched on something i've been feeling too recently.

thinking of you

Karma & Adam said...

Sorry it's been such a rough day. I had a friend who had a stillbirth at 32 weeks tell me what it was like to have that kind of loss...
She said imagine your grief is this great big circle, which pushes out all other aspects of your life. Initially there is no room for anything else but this big circle of grief. Then as you start to heal, the other things start growing past this big circle of grief, and while the grief stays the same size, your life is now not only about that circle. Basically she said it's like the sadness and grief never shrinks or goes away, but you start to see and appreciate and enjoy the other parts of your life again.
Not sure if I'm doing the description justice here but I thought it was an interesting way to look at it. It was certainly eye-opening for me...
Hugs.

meinsideout said...

((HUGS)) I wish that I could do or say something more. Your love for Myles touches me almost daily. I hope that you will be able to tell Myles' brothers and/or sisters about their amazing big brother. You and Myles have touched me forever and continue to inspire me.

Caroline said...

I wish I could hug you in person. xx

Soko's Journey to Parenthood said...

I am so sorry. No words can really express how you must feel but it's okay to feel the way you do. It totally makes sense.

I think Myles was letting you know he was watching over you while those songs played and that he wanted you to know how much he loves you too. A little blessing sent from above just for you.

One day at a time and you will always remember him and love him for the rest of your life. He knows that too.

Take care.
Tracy

Bluebird said...

My heart breaks with you. I wish I could fix it.

Duck said...

Such a hard time for you and your family, big hugs.

Kris said...

Thinking of you always and sending big HUGS your way...

Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry, Niki. Milestone days are so hard to get through :-(

Dara said...

Myles is always with you and J, and he loves you very much. He knows you'll always love him and that you're always a part of each others' hearts.

I'm speaking from the side of having two rainbow babies after Aaron passed just last year. The pregnancy was one HUGE ball of anxiety...I'm sure you remember...and I continue to think about Aaron and wonder what he'd be like as Adam and Noah's big brother. I miss him terribly and cry at night frequently as I look at Aaron's picture.

It's totally normal to worry about your feelings and having a second child after losing your first. It sucks big time!!!

Just know that Myles is with you and he's telling his Baby Angel friends what a wonderful, caring, and loving mommy he has. That's what I think about when I'm crying about Aaron...that he's telling his Baby Angel friends all about me.

(((HUGS!!)))

Jen said...

Hugs.

Myles will never be replaced by another child...he will forever be your first and nothing will ever change that.

My heart is still broken too, maybe glued back together a little, but it is easily shattered all over again when I have blue days.

Much love to you.

Erica said...

I'm sure it is. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. Please just know that you're in my thoughts. Your posts touch my heart and I think about you and your DH, Myles, and K often. I'm just so sorry for this loss. It's purely awful.

I was thinking though...was K's iPod on "shuffle songs?" Because that's a little too coincidental that both of those songs played while you were thinking of Myles. I don't know what I believe in entirely anymore, but those songs at that moment give me hope that there's something else in this universe. Something bigger.

Addysmommy said...

Niki.. I find it very odd that people actually think having another baby will what?? "cure" our loss? This is not the case at all and people are just clueless.. in fact having another baby can actually sometimes make things a little more difficult. At least in my opinion. Thinking of you and sweet Myles always.. (((HUGS)))