Tuesday, June 9, 2009

What summer should have been

As most of you know I'm a high school biology teacher, so I have my summers off. When I left my previous profession, wildlife epidemiology, I vowed to find a job where I wouldn't have to travel and work so much. I didn't want to be gone all the time when we had children. When I entered my career as an educator I couldn't help but dream about spending my summers playing in the yard with my little ones. I dreamt of sunny days spent at the public swimming pool, morning walks around the neighborhood, and evenings playing in the nearby park. Fast forward six years and hear I sit all alone without a child to chase around. Summer isn't at all what I thought it would be.

I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed this morning and why I didn't want to get out of bed. J left for work around 7am and I stayed in bed until close to 9am when I had to get up to shoot up (IVF meds). I then sat on the couch with a cup of coffee (decaf of course) and felt little to no motivation to get up. I thought about how different my life would be right now if Myles was here. I wouldn't be forcing myself to clean out closets, dressers and cupboards. I wouldn't be spending hours going through my clothes and accessories to find stuff I don't use anymore that I can donate to Good.will (4 bags of clothes so far). I wouldn't be making coffee and lunch dates with friends. I wouldn't be planning to repaint the office a new color or designing a new shade perennial garden for our yard. I wouldn't be going through another IVF cycle and I wouldn't be taking a trip to Alaska in July with other people's kids. I'd be spending my free time enjoying my little miracle. That is what summer should be like for me, but it's not. So, I try to make the best of it by busying myself with house projects, gardening, shopping (I know it counters the purging work I've been doing), and such. The funny thing is no matter how busy I keep myself I'm still depressed and can't stop thinking about what summer should have been ...

9 comments:

Donna said...

((hugs)) - nothing in the world of loss seems fair.

Caroline said...

I know how hard it is for you Niki. Hugs to you. x

Sheri-ct said...

I'm hopeful that next summer you will be doing all of those things with your little ones. (((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Heather said...

Just another little bit of salt in the wound. I have a similar look on my summer this year. I should be planning a first birthday party.

So sorry Niki. I so wish Myles was here with you.

Jess said...

Big Hugs! I know how heart breaking it is to look back and think what your life should be like instead of what it is.

darateacher said...

(((hugs!))) I totally know this feeling well. I'm praying for you, J and K!

Dara

Noelle said...

This post really rings true with me as well. I too am a teacher, and am going to spend my summer the same as every summer...finding clothes in my closet for goodwill, cleaning out cupboards, organizing my shed, planting...It is getting a little old. My friends are all at the public pools and parks with their kids and I will be watching "Sex In the City" on DVD while I do my needlepoint. These things make me sad. I am sorry that you are going through this.

Jaymee said...

((((HUGS))))

Bobbi said...

(((HUGS)))! I hope next summer your dreams come true!