What summer should have been

As most of you know I'm a high school biology teacher, so I have my summers off. When I left my previous profession, wildlife epidemiology, I vowed to find a job where I wouldn't have to travel and work so much. I didn't want to be gone all the time when we had children. When I entered my career as an educator I couldn't help but dream about spending my summers playing in the yard with my little ones. I dreamt of sunny days spent at the public swimming pool, morning walks around the neighborhood, and evenings playing in the nearby park. Fast forward six years and hear I sit all alone without a child to chase around. Summer isn't at all what I thought it would be.

I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed this morning and why I didn't want to get out of bed. J left for work around 7am and I stayed in bed until close to 9am when I had to get up to shoot up (IVF meds). I then sat on the couch with a cup of coffee (decaf of course) and felt little to no motivation to get up. I thought about how different my life would be right now if Myles was here. I wouldn't be forcing myself to clean out closets, dressers and cupboards. I wouldn't be spending hours going through my clothes and accessories to find stuff I don't use anymore that I can donate to Good.will (4 bags of clothes so far). I wouldn't be making coffee and lunch dates with friends. I wouldn't be planning to repaint the office a new color or designing a new shade perennial garden for our yard. I wouldn't be going through another IVF cycle and I wouldn't be taking a trip to Alaska in July with other people's kids. I'd be spending my free time enjoying my little miracle. That is what summer should be like for me, but it's not. So, I try to make the best of it by busying myself with house projects, gardening, shopping (I know it counters the purging work I've been doing), and such. The funny thing is no matter how busy I keep myself I'm still depressed and can't stop thinking about what summer should have been ...