Monday, January 12, 2009

Trying to take my life back from IF

A grad school friend emailed me and said "I know about your surrogacy journey (which I know is a HUGE part of your life), but what about the rest?" This simple question caught me off guard a bit. I was at a loss for words. I still have hobbies and interests and I enjoy my job, but clearly my life has become one infertility treatment after the next. We have spent the last 4 years and 8 months our lives living this way. We have been consumed by infertility and it's directed the course of every aspect of our lives. Infertility has taken so much from us and I refuse to let it take any more. I am going to stop planning my life around the "what ifs" of infertility and just plain live my life. If I've learned anything, I've learned that there aren't any guarantees in life and that you need to live each day like it's the last.

Last week I joined the YMCA again (I let my membership expire after Myles died) and also signed up for Wei.ght Wat.chers (on-line membership). Infertility and depression have caused me to gain weight and I plan to get my hot bikini body back. I'm definitely not huge, but I'm no size 1/2 anymore either! J and I signed up for a spinning class, which should kick my a$$, and help me shed the pounds.

We are planning a trip to Mexico with some friends over Spring Break, but we haven't been able to commit because we don't know how the FET on 1/29 will turn out. We are hopeful it will result in a bfp, but if it doesn't then we have to do another ER. More than likely we'd start the protocol immediately and would be doing an ER sometime in March. This is exactly what I'm trying to get away from. I'm tired of infertility controlling my life, yet I feel stuck. Uggh, I HATE infertility and the control it has over us!

Last week I went to see my GP because I've been having sleeping problems. Every single night when I go to bed I replay all the days leading up to Myles's birth. I relive the days of his life and the night he died. No wonder I'm having problems sleeping! My GP just so happens to have a M.S. in marriage and family counseling (weird, I know). When I told him about my sleeping problems we discussed the upcoming anniversaries. He seems to think I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress and that the sleeping problems are a result of anxiety, so he put me on an anti-anxiety med to help get me through the next few months.

I guess the doc's assessment makes sense because all of the problems started the weekend of 1/3, which was the day when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure last year. It was all down hill from that day. At this point last year I was hospitalized. I was naive. I never, ever imagined I'd be delivering my baby in a little over a week. Nor could I fathom the horror I'd experience on 2/16 as I watched my son die in my arms. I guess it's probably better that I was living life in a state of ignorant bliss. I was enjoying the last few days of my pregnancy and the amazing, magical moments Myles and I had together.


Lisa said...

I hear you. I feel like my "normal" friends have slipped away - two came over tonight to play on my Wii with me.

I am trying to sheds some pounds too...sigh.

I am glad that you are taking charge of your sleep and well being - that shows great strength. I really hope a bfp interferes with your travel plans!

Mrs. Spit said...

As it so happens, I saw a counsellor who specialized in PTSD after I lost Gabe. Which was great, because when I talked about what happened, she suggested that most people who go through what we went through would have PTSD. It's a train wreck that takes over your life.

I hope the meds help. I remember that she said it was also really important to get some coping mechanisms too, since the meds are only a stop gap. Maybe your doctor could suggest someone?

Polly Gamwich said...

It's so hard, one of my friends kind of mentioned that she wished I could just get a break from it all (infertility treatments, recurrent loss) ... and it kind of made me sad and kind of hurt me. Don't you think I'd LIKE to do that? So I feel for you having to plan your spring break around ER. I'm hoping ET in a few short weeks proves that you can head off on vacation.

Intending To Be Parents said...

I know how impossible it is to just say oh well and plan things anyway when you are about to start a cycle, in the middle of a cycle, etc, not knowing if this one will be it or if you'll need to do another cycle. I felt like I had become a prisoner to it all. I'm just wishing for K to have a BFP very soon so this part can end and you can look forward to planning all kinds of good things.
And I think it's great that your doc is understanding and sensitive to what you are dealing with and I would think that PTSD would make a lot of sense. I hope you are able to get your sleep back soon.

Greg and Heather said...

I know completely what you mean! I let it control my life to but what a great beginning to taking back life and living in the now

Duck said...

My IRL BF who lives far away pointed out after I was devastated when I discovered that I couldn't become pregnant that I am more then my reproductive organs and I am more, and ever sense she told me that back in May I've been slowly getting back to myself and it's worth it, it feels good, and I'm like you, often to feel good I gotta work out (I too am not fat but, I'm not the size 4 I was) and I'm still not back there yet after almost a year of working out but, I'm down to a six.
Anyhow, I know what your talking about and I'm glad that your moving in the right direction.

Heather said...

Ah, the weight rollercoaster. Welcome to my club!

I haven't had your experiences with infertility, and I can only imagine how frustrating it must be. You're awesome for standing up to it.

Thinking about you as the anniversaries start to pile up.