Saturday, January 17, 2009

Remembering

Last year at this time I was lying in a hospital bed at Mayo Clinic. Two days prior I was transferred via ambulance to this hospital because the local one where I had been for a couple of days didn't have a Level III NICU. The day I was transferred I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia when they discovered IUGR and reverse diastolic blood flow. You'd think I would've known that I would be delivering sooner than expected, but I didn't have a clue. When I left the local hospital my ob still said that he thought I'd make it to 28wks, so I went with that. When I was first placed on bed rest at home at 23wks I figured I'd be there bored out of my mind for the next 17wks. I had no idea that in three short weeks I would be delivering my baby and the hell that I would live in for the rest of my life.

As an avid scrap booker I am disappointed that I didn't take photos of the hospital room, the wonderful nurses who cared for me, me in the hospital, or anything! My excuse is that I expected to be there a lot longer and would have plenty of time to take photos for my pregnancy scrapbook. Now as I sit here getting ready to go scrap book with my girlfriends I think about how much is missing from my book. The last photos I have of me pregnant were taken on New Year's Eve and two that Josh took of my belly sometime during my home bed rest. In the photos of my on New Year's Eve I look puffy and swollen in the face and I wonder why I didn't notice it. No one else noticed it either. These were the signs that preeclampsia had already started to rear it's ugly head and given that Myles was the size of a 20-21wk baby it likely started right after my 20wk ultrasound.

Photos of me out on New Year's Eve:


My final pregnancy photos:


It's hard for me to think that a year ago I was blissfully ignorant. I was happily awaiting the arrival of the baby I'd spent so long trying to meet. I remember enjoying Myles's kicks and remember thinking how funny it was that he played "chase the baby with the monitor" games with the nurses. I remember the first day I felt Myles move--I was sitting on the couch eating dinner by myself as Josh was away at training for work. It was the most incredible feeling! A feeling that I envied in others for so many years. Every day after that day I felt Myles move and remember thinking how it was our little secret. A special secret that only Myles and I would ever know. I cherish those moments.

I can't believe that in 5 days it will have been a whole year since the traumatic morning when I was told that I had developed HELLP syndrome and that my kidneys and liver were shutting down. I was told that they had no choice but to deliver my baby at 26wks or I would die. My cherished, secret moments with Myles would no longer be.

15 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

Remembering with you Nikki. You aren't walking through this place alone.

Erin said...

I am remembering with you as well, although I feel a bit like a false companion as Fletcher is with me and precious little Myles is above.

I haven't been able to bring myself to do a true "looking back" post, but your situation is just so similar to mine. The timing and progression of the disease was almost identical.

And, like you, too, my sister has some video of me from about 21 weeks at her son's birthday party and I looked so, so puffy and sick... hindsight (not that it would have changed anything, for me at least, had I been diagnosed at that time).

Again, I am so sorry for your lost and am wishing you the best of luck on this next step.

Jen said...

Remembering is hard. It's hard to think back and we have no photos either. We hadn't done any belly shots before I went into the hospital and it all happened so fast we didn't think to bring a camera with us to hospital...I didn't think I would be delivering my little girl at 18 weeks.

I've been thinking about you alot the last few weeks as Myles birthday approaches and my heart hurts for you as you reach this milestone. Much love to you and J and I am always here for you if you need to talk.

Duck said...

Oh what a hard journey you have been through, wish I had words for you... thinking of you today.

Donna said...

I'm sending you big huge ((hugs)). I think of you and Myles all the time. The new few weeks will be very hard for both of us.

My memories of this time are all bittersweet. I can't help thinking about them - but I usually end up in tears.

m said...

Just letting you know that I am here and listening. Thank you for your looking back post. I often what kind of hindsight I'll have of this time a year, two years from now. What, if any knowledge or understanding will be gained? What will my life look like a year from these dark, dark moments?

Sending you hugs and remembering with you.

Lisa said...

Thinking of you.

Lost in Space said...

What a bittersweet post, Niki. From those memories of feeling Myles kick you from inside for the first time to realizing that he would be born so early. I'm so sorry for all the heartache you have endured and am grateful that you continue to share your heart with us. Thinking of you through these next difficult weeks.

Just Me. said...

I haven't commented before but I just wanna say that I was watching your video and here I am still crying.

I am so sorry and I really really just CANNOT imagine what you've been through. Your video's just beautiful. Myles is in heaven now and he is looking out for you and your DH. I could tell from the pictures on his video the obvious love he has for you guys.

(((((((HUGS))))))

Greg and Heather said...

My heart is so sad for you that this is so heavy on your heart :( i just want you to know you i am thinking about and praying for you and myles and the children you will one day have ...

Dora said...

Niki, I wish I could think of words to comfort you, but I know there are none. Thinking of you. xoxo

Sheri-ct said...

My thoughts are with you, J and Myles. ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))).

Tom and Margit said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you Niki!
We are all here for you!
My heart aches for you and J and I know Myles is looking down on you both with so much love for the wonderful parents you are to him!
HUGS!!!
Margit

~Denise~ said...

Nikki, my heart is aching for you as these dates approach. The bittersweet memories, although painful, are memories of that sweet little boy that you treasure. Myles' impact on others has reached far and wide, and many of us will be thinking of you guys over the coming weeks.

Much love.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

I am new to your blog. What an amazing journey you and your DH have been on. I just watched your video tribute to your sweet Myles. A beautiful little boy! I am sorry for your heartache. Thinking of you.