Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Birthday preparations of a different kind

Well tonight was my first emotional breakdown of the week. J and I went shopping at the local home improvement store to buy the supplies for the upstairs bathroom remodel. It was a nice distraction, but then I went to another store to get birthday balloons for Myles's grave. I stood in the store staring at all the balloons and was overwhelmed by the selection. None of them seemed appropriate or good enough. As I scanned the rows of balloons I came to a balloon with Elmo on it that said "Happy 1st Birthday" and it hit me ... Myles would've been turning 1 tomorrow had he survived. The tears started to well up and I quickly picked out a basic, non-kid birthday balloon, bought it, stood there for what felt like an eternity while the young girl to blew it up, and practically ran to the car after she handed it to me.

Once I got into the car I burst into tears. J didn't know what was going on and I told him how things should be different. How I should be planning Myles's first birthday party. I should be making super cute birthday invitations to send to the family and friends. I should be baking a cute Elmo cake. I should be anticipating the delight of watching my little guy smash his hands into his cake. I should be buying decorations for a party. I should be buying fun toys. But, I'm not. I'm planning for a birthday celebration for a child who's not present on this Earth. I bought balloons to hang at my son's grave. I made star-shaped ice lanterns that I will place around my son's headstone. I will light the votive candles I placed within the lanterns around dusk. J and I will get a specialty cupcake from a local bakery and will place one candle on it in memory of Myles. We will quietly sing happy birthday and know that when we blow out the candle our one wish will never come true.

13 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh Niki, I am so, so sorry and I am crying for you. I wish that you were doing all of the things you want to be doing with Myles and I am so angry that you are not.

I wish there were better words. I will think about you, about J and about Myles and while I am not a praying woman, I will say a prayer before I go to bed and when I get up for all of you.

((HUGS))

Lisa said...

Niki - would you mind if I dedicated a post to Myles' birthday?

Meg said...

My heart breaks for you. I am so incredibly sorry that this is different and your celebration of Myles are so different is so many ways. I am thinking of you all and hope you found some smiles in the midst of those tears.

He is teaching so many of us, you know.

Bluebird said...

I am so, so sorry. Your beautiful post brought tears to my eyes. You're so right; it shouldn't be this way at all. I'm so sorry that it is.

Lost in Space said...

Oh Niki, I just want to wrap you in a giant hug. I know there is nothing I can say to make this better right now. I so wish there were. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry, hun.

Nikki said...

I'm so sorry Niki - I'm thinking of you and J and Myles today. Hugs to you.

(I'm here from Lisa's blog)

Mrs. Spit said...

When the two of you sing to Myles tomorrow, you will not sing alone.

Mr. Spit and I will be singing too.

Jacinta said...

Niki,
It is already Myles Birthday in Australia and I'm sending happy birthday wishes to the heavens.
He is very lucky to have a mother like you. I hope his second birthday brings a brother or sister for him to watch over.

Donna said...

Happy 1st birthday Myles! You are a very special little boy.

Rebecca said...

I wish with every fiber of my being that Myles was here to celebrate his first birthday with you. I've been thinking of you so much the past few days, knowing that today will only be the first of several excruciating days for you. I wish I could do more than send you hugs and words of love across the miles. I will be lighting a candle in memory of Myles and in celebration of his too-short life. He remains a model of strength, perseverance and the power of love for us all. (((hugs))) to you today as always. I love you, Josh and Myles. Happy Birthday little buddy, thank you for showing us all how to be better people. You will always be loved and missed more than you will ever know.

Heather said...

Happy Birthday, Myles.

Thinking of you so, so much today.

Duck said...

oh Niki -lots of hugs for you and your husband today. Myles knows that he was loved, you're both wonderful parents.

Bonny said...

I am so sorry that you are not getting to all of those things with your baby Myles. My heart just breaks for you. I wish that things were different for you. Hugs to you.