Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Numb

This is how I've been feeling the last two weeks. I haven't had one of my typical all out sobbing episodes. I'm back to the empty, numb feeling that I had in the few weeks following Myles's death. It's like my emotions are right there under the surface, but don't come out. It's like I'm always just on the edge of a meltdown, but nothing seems to happen. The tears fill my eyes, but don't roll down my cheeks. I feel like I should have so many emotions overwhelming me right now. I do feel such a mix of emotions, but think I'm truly feeling them. Maybe it's too difficult? Maybe this is some sore of self protection?!

I wonder if some of my numbness also stems from me trying to suppress my worries over the upcoming transfer to K. A little more self-preservation, perhaps? I haven't voiced any of my worries because I don't want K to think that it has anything to do with her--it doesn't! I don't have any worries about K, her uterus, her ability to get pregnant, her ability to carry a baby, or anything else! I do worry about my embryos and I very much worry about the possibility of bringing K into our hell hole of loss. I am so grateful for what K is doing for us that it will just kill me if something bad happens that causes her to feel any sadness.

I think I'm also trying to protect myself from the emotions I will go through if this particular transfer doesn't work. The two frozen blasts are extraordinarily special to me. Both embryos were "created" in July '07 with Myles and were frozen with him. So, my two remaining frozen embryos have a special connection with Myles and this is why they are so special to me. I do know that I would be protective over any of my embryos, but these two embryos share so much with Myles that it makes me even more protective of them. They are the last living connection to Myles. Please do not misinterpret this as me losing my mind! I know they are not Myles and I would not want them to be. I know that any embryo that resulted in a pregnancy and baby would have a connection to Myles. They would be his sibling. I would love any/all of them. However, I still have a strong feeling that these two particular embryos are extra special. I'm hoping that it's because in my heart I know they will be my future children!

17 comments:

Greg and Heather said...

What a beautiful post! I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and so on the edge of losing it. You are not alone although it may feel that way! I pray so much for you that you your two little ones waited to be implanted are your future children!

Thikning of you!

www.wondrafulbaby.blogspot.com

Donna said...

Niki - I think about you and Myles all the time right now. I wasn't sure how I would feel about Ellie's upcoming birthday - but numb is a great way to put it. I hope you can find some peace (and some joy) in the upcoming weeks.

JourneyofHope said...

Sending you hugs. Stay strong.

m said...

Numb. I so get it. Some of it has to be self-preservation, don't you think? You have a lot going on in the upcoming days and to say that you're invested in the success of this transfer is beyond understatement.

Wishing you so much love and hope - to you, K, your hubby, and keeping Miles in my thoughts.

Erin said...

The emotions are so intense. I can't begin to imagine what it takes to make it through the day. My heart breaks for you, but I am also full of hope that K will be the answer to your prayers. And what an angel she is!!!!!! WOW! Give her a big hug and thanks from me!!!

Stay strong!
Erin

Tiffany said...

Wonderful post, I pray that they are special because they will be your children. You deserve this so much.

N said...

I am the queen of what my husband calls "pre grieving". Before the end of every IVF cycle, and before betas, I would convince myself it didn't work and cry, cry, cry, cry. I wanted to make sure I had no hope of it working. I would rather have a positive surprise and have gone through grieving for nothing than have not grieved and be crushed. Soooo, I totally and completely get it. We all manage to get through difficulties in our own way. If you are like me, this is actually, weirdly, a better place to be than to be blindly hopeful. Even though you have plenty of things to be hopeful about it, if it's easier to get through right now by "pre grieving", I say so be it. Some of us just do things that way and I understand completely.

Dave and Elaine said...

Came across your blog today. I just watched Myles Story and it brought me to tears. My prayers are with you.

Caba said...

I can't even imagine how this must feel to you. I can understand the feeling of fear before even starting a cycle though, almost as a way to protect yourself.

I will be following along on your journey, and sending you so much love and good vibes!

Lisa said...

Niki - thanks for sharing how you feel. I can only imagine how you feel about the last two embies that were created with Myles - I felt such love for our embryos and I felt such longing during the time that they were in the lab and not in me.

I am thinking of you - ((HUGS))

Kris said...

Niki- THank you for so eloquently writing your thoughts out. I am so proud of you and everything you have gone through. You are an AMAZING person with more strength than you know. I admire you so much and I hope and pray that these embabies will grow to be healthy babies.
Thinking of you,
Kris

Rebecca said...

Aw hun, I wish there was more I could do than just send you some (((HUGS)))...but that's all I can do at the moment. I can't say I know how you feel, there's no way I can...but I can understand the numb feelings. Trying to hold on to hope in the midst of despair is extremely frustrating and tiring. I will be thinking of you, J, Myles and K during the next few weeks...more than usual, as I know there are several significant dates coming up. If you need ANYTHING...please let me know, OK? Much love to you my dear friend!

Tom and Margit said...

Niki-I have been thinking about you a lot and I know Myles' birthday is coming up. I pray you have strength,and courage through this time. I cannot imagine the emotions you will feel, but you have a wonderful hubby and fantastic cousin. I pray you find peace on this special day and celebrate his life! He is looking down on you with a smiling face and a lot of love!
I am also thinking about you a lot with K's cycle.
HUGS
Margit

Sheri-ct said...

You and Myles have been in my thoughts a lot lately.  I completely understand your connection to these embryos.  They were created with Myles.  I wish I could do something to help you.  ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))).  

Amber said...

Self-preservation, nothing wrong with that. And nobody thinks you're crazy for treasuring the connection these embryos have to Myles. They're his ovary-mates and that's a big deal. I just hope you're going to be able to tell them all about their big brother very soon. Thinking about you!

Heidi said...

Niki- I wanted to also say STAY STRONG and try not to worry. I know that is easier said then done, but have faith. I have faith that everything will work out with "K" and I can't wait to hear all about it. You are always in my thoughs and prayer... Love ya :)

niobe said...

The embryo that we transferred to our surrogate (an embryo who is now sleeping peacefully in his bouncy chair) was from the same batch as the twins that we lost. You described my feelings perfectly.