Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Infertility is NOT natural selection at work!

Thanks to all who stopped by to welcome K and to tell her just how amazing she is! We are very lucky to have one another. Honestly I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather be venturing on this journey with! I just know we are in for the ride of our lives and I'm looking forward to it!

Last night was a horrible night. I cried all night as I kept going over and over every single detail of the night Myles died, which just so happened to be 10 months ago yesterday. I could picture Myles's sweet little face as I held him for the last time and the sadness in his eyse when he looked at me as I was talking to him. I remember immediately knowing that things would not end well because the sparkle had left his eyes. I rehashed all that I didn't do, but wished I had. I revisited all of my regrets from that last night. I tried to recall the the feel of Myles's soft skin, but the memory eludes me. With every passing day it seems that I lose more and more of him and it kills me. I just wish that I could hold him again or feel his little hand wrap tightly around my finger. My memories just aren't enough.

Today started out as a new day, a better day until tonight. I went to Sub.way to get Josh and I a sub. The "sandwich artist" happened to be one of my former students--a not so stellar one. I made small talk with her as she made our subs. When I asked her what she'd been up to she said working and preparing for the baby. I almost threw up, but somehow managed to ask her a series of questions about it. She informed me that it was unplanned. No $hit! She's 20, barely graduated high school, works at Sub.way, and isn't married to the boy who got her pregnant (actually they're not even dating). I left without an appetite.

This type of scenario upsets me, yet it also provides evidence that infertility is not natural selection contributing to the evolution of humans. Some ignorant, scientifically-illiterate people make rude comments that infertiles shouldn't be spending so much time and/or money on trying to get pregnant. These people say we should adopt. They say infertility is natural selection at work ... nature's way of weeding out the "less fit" from the gene pool. It might be hard to believe that people say this, but if you read any of the comments on the NY Times Surrogacy article you likely saw this sentiment reiterated multiple times.

Well my friends I'll be honest and tell you that my pregnant former student is far from being a superior individual in the human gene pool. I can't imagine that nature would select her to pass on her genes over someone like me or any of my other infertile friends. This is actually a detriment to the human population rather than a benefit. I say it's more a matter of luck/chance that some are fertile while others are infertile. The lucky fertiles will make more contributions to the gene pool, but this has nothing to do with selection as it's a completely radom process. This my friends is a mechanism of evolution called genetic drift. So, those idiots who say that infertiles are "less fit" and shouldn't be trying to reproduce fail to understand the mechanisms of evolutionary change and should come spend a few weeks in my general biology class!


Alice said...

Oh Niki ... (((hugs)))

I've not lived your life, walked in your shoes or had even half the experiences.

But I do know how unfair life is. And your story just reminds me of how unfair it is that my own SILs (on both sides) have no problems in their pregnancies. Unfair to me. Not to them.

Anyone who thinks this is selective is well, stupid. Honest.

Thinking of you and Myles, as always.

Alice said...

PS - I <3 K.

Dora said...

Niki, sucky, sucky, sucky!! All of it. So sorry, hon. Big hug!

Lisa said...

N - thanks for the post. I have been feeling kind of low and depressed about trying again - thinking that it perhaps was "not meant to be" and wondering how the most mean spirited, backstabbing woman I know could be in her second boggles my mind. Not that I am perfect, far from it, but it is not natural selection at work, thanks for the reminder.

Lisa said...

Also, big ((HUGS)).

Duck said...

Natural selection is actually something I struggle with, being very well educated I think about it alot and I even wondered if natural selection was telling me something (I have an extreme case of a disease and if that's not enough the cells that can grow everywhere in my body can not grow in my uterus - makes no sense) so I think about it and wonder if I want to pass on these genes, what if endo is genetic? But that is just the physical me, my mind and spirit are something that should be passed along... all that being said I see pregnant crack heads and know that natural selection isn't exactly perfect either.
It's hard isn't it, being infertile is one thing, not being able to carry you child is something different isn't it?
HUGS hope you feel better, you're not alone.

Intending To Be Parents said...

Have you ever seen the movie Idiocracy? Specifically the first few minutes of the movie? This post made me think of it. When I consider the group of women and men I know who are having fertility problems, the process of "natural selection" does seem to be working in reverse. Or at the very least it does seem to prove that the process is very random.
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing such sadness and I hope that this coming year will bring a great deal of joy into your life.

Donna said...

I heard a comment on the radio recently that I can't get out of my head... "Any idiot can reproduce..." I wish it were that easy - but of course it's not. How is it that somehow "idiots" show shouldn't have kids in the first place have figured out how to reproduce in vast numbers without even trying.

I do also want to say that adoption isn't for everyone but it is a wonderful option for some. It isn't always a last resort and can be a wonderful way to build a family. It isn't just for idiots who don't beleive in science.

N said...

I'm so sorry you had a horrible night. I know that you are trying to hold on to his memory and keep him as close as you possibly can, and that it is so hard. Just know you really are doing all you can.

And I HATE HATE HATE the suggestion that infertility is natural selection at work. It's just excruciating to hear that particular comment. I mentioned that in my blog response to the article too - would you rather inherit the genes of a couple with what could be a minor infertility problem or those of a couple with horrible diseases but perfect fertility?! People are so stupid.

abgs said...

I just came across your blog the other day and watched your tribute to M.

Life is unfair and trying to find the reason is just so hard-- I wish you all the best with your GS.

Polly Gamwich said...

I just wanted to say good luck with a surrogate cycle. That's awesome that your cousin is willing to participate in this with you.

I've considered surrogacy, so I'm glad I stumbled upon your post.

I'm very sorry for your loss of Myles. He must have been such a fighter. His picture is beautiful. I've never had to deal with loss like that, and my heart breaks that you have.

Looking forward to sharing your journey.

Kris said...

Niki- I just don't get it. I will never believe that IF is natural selection. Just typing it out sounds so ridiculous, much less for someone else to say it. Most people who struggle with IF would be much better parents than those that just haphazardly or "accidentally" have children. I am so sorry you ran into your old studen. IF just is not fair.

Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry it has been so rough for you. I can't even begin to imagine your feeling of loss right now. Many hugs.

Very well written on IF not being natural selection. It is just another one of those things people say without any evidence to back up their claim. Ranks right up there with "God's will" and "...meant to be". All a load of crap. I'm sorry you had to experience this so close up.

Tom and Margit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tom and Margit said...

Niki-us IF people are amazing people. Unfortunately, we have this d@mn struggle. You and Dh produced Myles, perfection! He took my Gabriel and I truly believed brought him to heaven. You are amazing girl!!

Anonymous said...

What an absolutely wretched, mean-spirited, and cruel thing to write. At the very least, I hope you treat those boys you produced with more compassion, tact, and kindness than you do your students (current or former).

I understand being bitter, but it's one thing to have the moment, have the--understandable yet not so gracious--thoughts (about the unfairness of it all), then possibly share them with a close frined or SO.

But to come home and then take the time to WRItE ABOUT IT ONLINE...On an open and public forum where that girl, or one of her friends, or even just one of your other students might read it; just shows that your percieved hierarchy on the evolutionary scale is just that...perceived by you and you alone.

I can't imagine how someone who would be so vicious to a subordinate--not just in her [food] service position, but as a [former] student as well!--is that much more deserving of a child than the woman of whom you wrote!

Just goes to show that no amount of financial planning, education, or desiring (IVF, surrogation, etc) is what truly makes a proper parent. I know many people who would trade all the wealth and stability their parents provided (which, BTW, it sounds like that young woman was trying for...Because I'm sure she's standing on her feet all day long--while pregnant--making sandwiches for insufferrable and intolerant customers is just her idea of 'fun') in a heartbeat for the type of parents who love more & judge less and, in general, have their priorities straight.

Darwin said...

Fantastic response, I agree totally, who the hell do you think you are to put yourself above others as better or more deserving? Ever thought that natural selection is more base level than your fancy dinner parties and pompous friends, people like you really don't understand the world or the animals we are.

Anonymous said...

WOW - you have absolutely no idea how biology works, do you? Just because that girl happens to have less-desirable economic status than you, doesn't make her less-desirable biologically. Your cultural standards have NOTHING to do with fertility - not a damn thing. WAKE UP. Your infertility is nature's way of weeding out weak genes. Accept it as the cards that your god dealt you, and move on.
I did. After 6 months of trying, I refuses IF treatment because if my body wasn't accepting a pregnancy, then there's a REASON for that. I refused to force it by synthetic means. Why do you people want to screw with nature so badly? You're selfish, plain and simple.

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Talk soon.