Merry Christmas to Myles

On Christmas Eve Josh and I visited Myles grave to leave him a little Christmas gift. When we arrived we found that someone had already shoveled out his grave and left him a cute little snowman decoration with an ornament attached that says "You Are Loved" (pictured below). This little gift was left by my dear friend, D, who herself is currnently going through a divorce. D is an amazing woman and wonderful friend who never ceases to amaze me! Despite all that she's dealing with she still remembered Myles. I love you D and am so lucky to call you my friend!

Josh and I left Myles a small stuffed penguin. I don't like the idea of leaving stuffed animals, which will get dirty and ratty from rain and snow, but I just fell in love with this little guy and had to get it for Myles. There's something about the penguin that reminded me of my sweet little Myles.

Christmas Eve day was horrible for me. I cried all morning, all afternoon, and all night. I literally couldn't stop crying. I haven't had one of these days in awhile, so I guess I was due. Josh makes me cards with stick figure drawings for every occasion and this year Christmas was no exception--you should see all of them for the last 11 years! It was a very sweet card, but reading the note and seeing the drawing of me and Myles on the inside made me cry even more.

Yesterday only one person, my aunt N, asked me how we were doing during this difficult time. She said that she can't imagine how difficult it is to try to pretend to be happy when someone so important is missing. Of course this made me cry, but I was also very appreciative that she mentioned Myles's name. I thanked her and told her how nice it was for someone to recognize this. For the most part I held it together at the family gatherings, but was very sad when my recently engaged brother was talking about his prospective wedding date in spring 2010. His fiance was saying how her neice is going to be a flower girl and it made me sad to think that Myles would have been a little over two at this time and likely would have also been in the wedding. I burst into tears the minute we got in the car and cried the whole way home. J tried to comfort me. He told me how much he missed Myles too and he told me how hard Christmas day was for him too ... watching my cousin's little boy and watching his daddy play with him. I know how much J dreamed of having a little boy and I can't imagine how difficult that is for him. I hate to see my "rock" so sad!