Friday, December 26, 2008

Merry Christmas to Myles

On Christmas Eve Josh and I visited Myles grave to leave him a little Christmas gift. When we arrived we found that someone had already shoveled out his grave and left him a cute little snowman decoration with an ornament attached that says "You Are Loved" (pictured below). This little gift was left by my dear friend, D, who herself is currnently going through a divorce. D is an amazing woman and wonderful friend who never ceases to amaze me! Despite all that she's dealing with she still remembered Myles. I love you D and am so lucky to call you my friend!

Josh and I left Myles a small stuffed penguin. I don't like the idea of leaving stuffed animals, which will get dirty and ratty from rain and snow, but I just fell in love with this little guy and had to get it for Myles. There's something about the penguin that reminded me of my sweet little Myles.

Christmas Eve day was horrible for me. I cried all morning, all afternoon, and all night. I literally couldn't stop crying. I haven't had one of these days in awhile, so I guess I was due. Josh makes me cards with stick figure drawings for every occasion and this year Christmas was no exception--you should see all of them for the last 11 years! It was a very sweet card, but reading the note and seeing the drawing of me and Myles on the inside made me cry even more.

Yesterday only one person, my aunt N, asked me how we were doing during this difficult time. She said that she can't imagine how difficult it is to try to pretend to be happy when someone so important is missing. Of course this made me cry, but I was also very appreciative that she mentioned Myles's name. I thanked her and told her how nice it was for someone to recognize this. For the most part I held it together at the family gatherings, but was very sad when my recently engaged brother was talking about his prospective wedding date in spring 2010. His fiance was saying how her neice is going to be a flower girl and it made me sad to think that Myles would have been a little over two at this time and likely would have also been in the wedding. I burst into tears the minute we got in the car and cried the whole way home. J tried to comfort me. He told me how much he missed Myles too and he told me how hard Christmas day was for him too ... watching my cousin's little boy and watching his daddy play with him. I know how much J dreamed of having a little boy and I can't imagine how difficult that is for him. I hate to see my "rock" so sad!


Wewurtskihit said...

I can not even IMAGINE how this holiday season was for you. Reading about it and FEELING it are worlds apart!!!

All I know is that you put tears in my eyes as I had to think of my first Chanukah without my dad. Those are good tears and good thoughts as we was always happiest this time of year!

(i hope this all makes sense!)


Lisa said...

Niki - I am so sorry, it had to be unbelievably difficult - I wish I had more than words to comfort you right now. I can only imagine the emptiness that must be there. J seems really sweet and I am so glad you have each other.

I loved the penguin and it was touching to see the gift your friend left for Myles.

I cannot say it enough - you are an amazing woman and you continue to inspire me.

Duck said...

I can't imagine what your going through Niki, it sounds like it was a very hard Christmas for you. I like Myles's piguen, very cute.
Hang in there, allow your self to feel bad.
take care

Dora said...

Niki, what a rough day. I'm glad you allowed yourself a day of tears instead of stuffing it all down. Sound like J said and did all the right things. Thank goodness.

Thinking of you, my friend.

my3sons said...

I am new to your blog; I just watched your beautiful tribute to your sweet son. With tears streaming down my face, I am so sorry for your loss.
I pray that this coming year you are blessed with another child.

Kris said...

I kept thinking of you this past few days, especially on Christmas Eve. I was thinking of how Myles would have just loved Christmas this year and what a good Mommy and Daddy you and Josh are and will continue to be. The penguin is adorable and one that I wish Myles was here to hold himself.

Even though it is hard to go through all of these sad days, it is also necessary for you to let your emotions out. Please know that I am right by your side and would do anything to ease your pain, if only for a moment.


Tom and Margit said...

Oh Niki-I was thinking about you a lot and praying for you over the past week.
You are a rock, but you also need to grieve and let your emotions out. I am glad your Aunt asked how you were doing. Too many people don't ask or don't know how to or are scared.
J's card gave me shivers and tears...what a dear, sweet husband!
And your friend is amazing. To have thought of Myles is so touching and I am sure it was a nice surprise to see someone else had visited your Myles.
I am thinking about you and praying for your upcoming cycle and success!

Alicia said...

Reading your post has brought me to tears. I'm sending big hugs for you and your family.

Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry the holiday was so hard for you. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

I'm glad for the sweet gestures of your friend and aunt and am happy to know these things brought you small bits of comfort in your pain and grief.

Many hugs to both you and J.

Sheri-ct said...

I am so sorry, Niki.  I can not even begin to imagine how hard this time of year is for you.  I thought about you and J often.  I truly hope your arms are full next Christmas. ((((((HUG))))).