If I could go back in time ...

Last night while J and I were lying in bed cuddling he asked "if I could travel back in time and tell you about our infertility struggles, would you still have gone through all of this?" I sat there for a minute and then asked "would you tell me about Myles?" and J said "yes". I quickly replied "absolutely ... I would put myself through all that we've been through and more if it meant that I'd have Myles for any amount of time." I then said "wouldn't you?" to J. He said "no" and I was shocked! J went on to say that he wouldn't want to put Myles through all that he went through. J said he didn't like seeing Myles struggle and that he couldn't bare to put him through that again. Of course I didn't want Myles to be in any pain either (what mother does?), but the docs assured us that he was always made comfortable by pain meds. I was crying and felt terrible thinking of Myles in pain. J finally agreed that Myles was on a lot of pain meds and probably didn't feel much pain. Honestly I think he was just trying to make me feel better.

As I've said before I wouldn't change anything we've been through in our IF journey because that path led us to Myles. I do wish that I could go back and take away Myles's pain, but wouldn't change having him. The overwhelming sadness, anger, and devastation over losing Myles couldn't even compare to the pain of not ever knowing him! So, if someone could have told me about the last 4 years before we'd experienced them, I'd still have walked each and every step of our journey despite all the sadness because the joy of having Myles for the 26 days we had him far outweighs everything else!