Monday, December 29, 2008

If I could go back in time ...

Last night while J and I were lying in bed cuddling he asked "if I could travel back in time and tell you about our infertility struggles, would you still have gone through all of this?" I sat there for a minute and then asked "would you tell me about Myles?" and J said "yes". I quickly replied "absolutely ... I would put myself through all that we've been through and more if it meant that I'd have Myles for any amount of time." I then said "wouldn't you?" to J. He said "no" and I was shocked! J went on to say that he wouldn't want to put Myles through all that he went through. J said he didn't like seeing Myles struggle and that he couldn't bare to put him through that again. Of course I didn't want Myles to be in any pain either (what mother does?), but the docs assured us that he was always made comfortable by pain meds. I was crying and felt terrible thinking of Myles in pain. J finally agreed that Myles was on a lot of pain meds and probably didn't feel much pain. Honestly I think he was just trying to make me feel better.

As I've said before I wouldn't change anything we've been through in our IF journey because that path led us to Myles. I do wish that I could go back and take away Myles's pain, but wouldn't change having him. The overwhelming sadness, anger, and devastation over losing Myles couldn't even compare to the pain of not ever knowing him! So, if someone could have told me about the last 4 years before we'd experienced them, I'd still have walked each and every step of our journey despite all the sadness because the joy of having Myles for the 26 days we had him far outweighs everything else!


Mrs. Spit said...

Yes. Yes. Yes.

For those 30 mins with Gabe, I would walk this path again and again.

Mo and Will said...

I've lurked for awhile, but i don't think i've ever commented.

There is nothing like a mother's love. It is singular and fierce. Im glad you can look back in time and have no regrets. My hope for you is that as you go forward in time, you're able to hold another child in your arms and heart, this time not so briefly. Of course, this would be no replacement of Myles. Just a continuation of the journey. Myles was lucky to have you two as his parents. Any child would be fortunate to come to your lives.



Duck said...

Such a hard post to read and surely to write, Myles is loved, and both of you are lucky to have lived with him then to never had him in your life, and I understand why your husband thought initially otherwise, he simply loves both of you and would rather none of you had that pain.

Lost in Space said...

Wow, what a hard conversation to have. I can't pretend to know a mother's love, but it comes through so strong in your post how much Myles was loved. Wishing you both peace.

Dora said...

Obviously, I can't know for sure, but I think I would feel the same as you.

Big hug to you!

SMK said...

Hi Niki,

Just wanted to let you know that I too would go through all the pain... because if we didn't we would have missed the "dance" the love that is unmatched by anything in this world. Love for our children. 2009 will be a great year, a year of moving forward with everything and a year of happiness and joys to come. As always I am here for you. Surrogacy will give you the smiles you long for without forgetting the smiles from the past. ;)

kat9598 said...

Hi Niki,

I found your blog through SMO. I just read this blog entry and I'm in tears. Infertility can be so painful.

I am a former IM. I have twin boys via GS. I belong to a PRIVATE support group for IPs only. If you are interested in more information regarding the support group, you can email me at

I hope all your dreams of parenthood come true in 2009. Good luck on your upcoming transfer!

~ Kathy