Monday, March 9, 2009

Why does this stuff bother me so much?

Okay, so let me start by saying that I have a bad cold and am home sick today, which doesn't help my mood any. I have heard several things over the past few weeks that upset me for one reason or another. Now I keep repeating them in my head over and over again and they continue to bother me. I have been hesitant to blog about these statements because now many people IRL read my blog, but I've decided that it's my blog and I should be able to use it as I inteneded--to vent and get support from people who understand. So, here goes ...

The first thing that's been bothering me is conversations with people about me becoming a Mommy when K has this baby for us. This type of talk kills me. I am Myles's Mommy and will always be his Mommy! Myles is my son. I just don't get this mentality. If my mom died, I'd still be her daughter and she'd still be my mom. Why is it any different with my child and me? I wonder if it's because the people who make this sort of statement didn't get to meet Myles, so maybe he doesn't seem real to them? But, the reality is that Myles was very real and was my 1st child. I am Myles's Mommy and he is my son. So, I won't become a Mommy when K has this baby, but rather will become a Mommy again to another child just like any other woman who has a 2nd child.

The other thing that has been bothering me is related to friends complaining about how horribly difficult it is to be separated from their child(ren) for anywhere from a few hours to a week for vacation. I do not doubt that this is difficult for any parent to leave their child for any amount of time. I don't doubt that having to leave a newborn to return to work is horribly hard for a Mommy. I don't doubt that leaving your ill child while you go on vacation is tough. I dont doubt that watching your baby suffer through a cold isn't difficult. But, I do doubt that the pain even comes close to never being able to see your child again. Never being able to touch his little hands and feet. Never being able to kiss his soft skin. So, when people tell me that they just don't know how they are going to handle leaving their child for 8 hours while they work, I can't help but think how lucky they are that in 8 hours they get to return to see their child. I can't help but think at least your baby is alive. Again I don't doubt that any of these things are difficult, but rather wish people would empathize with me ... I never get to see my child again.

The other thing that drives me absolutely crazy is the comments that I'm so strong to be able to carry on with life in the wake of Myles's death. Some have even said that they'd "die if they lost their child" or "that they wouldn't be able to get out of bed". These statements are hurtful to me because it makes it seem as though I love my child less than they love theirs or that I'm acting abnormally for someone who's lost a child. Anyone who's lost a baby/child will tell you that it's not easy to face the day. There are many days that I don't want to get out of bed. There were days when I thought dying would have been easier than facing the constant pain of not having the one thing that meant most to me (no I'm not suicidal). Life after losing a child is horrible. I put on my pretend happy face and enter the world, but inside I feel broken and lost. I miss my son and always will. I will always feel like someone is missing from my life because someone is. I will always have a hole in my heart that won't be filled by anyone or anything. My life was changed by Myles in so many wonderful ways and my life was changed forever by his death.


Kris said...

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.
A man who loses his wife is a widower.
A woman who loses her husband is a widow.
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,,,,
for there is no word to describe this pain.

~Sukie Miller~

Niki- I found this quote on another gals blog (can't remember whose) right before I opened up your blog. I am so sorry that people aren't more sensitive. I have thought that too, that when people say "I could never go through that", regardless of who they say it to or the situation they are saying it about it just undermines that person and their pain. I am thinking of you today and always AND I think about Myles everyday and the joy he has brought to your life.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you have been exposed to so many insensitive comments. There are only so many excuses that we can make for other people. You are right you are Myles mommy, forever. I have often thought about other situations of loss such as parents etc.., I guess the public is just better equipped with other loss, not the loss of a child. But it still isnt an excuse for insensitivity.

I actually have the quote that Kris posted on my blog (not sure if she saw it there, b/c I have seen it in other places), I am not sure where I first read it, but after losing the girls the words spoke to me and I think it explains so eloquently our situation.
Much love to you.

Donna said...

Niki - It is so hard to hear all of those comments. People say some incredibly stupid, stupid things and think that they are being supportive by saying them. Myles is your firstborn son and will always be a part of your family. Vent away!!! You need to get it off your chest.

momsoon said...

I don't know what to say except that I am truly sorry for the pain that people who are 'asleep' to others lives causes.
I think that is what they are, not intentionally, but it is as though they are not 'awake' to your life/feelings.
I am sorry. I understand (although not exactly your story) what that feels like.
I just vented similar things on my blog, to make sure they get out of my body and mind.
I can't hold onto that pain by myself anymore, and am glad you decided to get it out too.
We are here, listening and sending you light. peace.

N said...

I don't comment here much, but I've been following along.

It's so hard to deal with people's words, when they don't know what it is that they're talking about.

Whether it's about being a mom, or strength, people try to talk about things they know nothing about. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with that.

You are already a mommy.

And they don't know how they'd react to a child's death until they've been through it.

Mrs. Spit said...

It bothers you because people aren't supporting you when they say things like that. It bothers you because it isn't about them understanding your pain, it's just about them. It bothers you because it's mean and hurtful, and it should bother you.

And I'm sorry.

Lisa said...

Nikki - so sorry that you have to hear any of that - I agree with Mrs. Spit - people by nature are self absorbed and some more than others and it is too bad that they do not take the time to think about who they are talking to. I am sending you big, big hugs and wish that I could go get a coffee with you and we could dish it all out - but you are 100% right - that is what your blog is for and we cannot be afraid to use it.

Thinking of you. ((HUGS))

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

People sure say some incredibly painful things. Sadly, I don't think they "get it" much of the time.

I've never met you, but can tell from your beautiful blog that Myles is SO blessed to have you as his Mommy. I am sorry that you're hurting as you prepare for the arrival of his younger sibling.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you hit all the things on the head that still really bother me too. First, I totally agree and feel the same way when people ask me if I am excited about being a mommy...I want to shout HELLO! I AM A MOMMY! Second, I agree that leaving your kid for 8 hours cannot compare and people should feel grateful that they have a child to take to daycare. Third, when people say the "I don't know what I would do..." it also really bothers me. I mean the thing is, you just get up every day because you have to. You keep going becuause you are still alive. And like you, it does make me feel like I love my daughter less because I seem to be "doing so well". hugs.

Mo and Will said...

frequent lurker and sometime commmenter, but feel the need to comment today. I am so glad you wrote these things. all so true, and altho i'm sure others don't mean to be hurtful, the sting is deeply felt. by taking the risk to write about it you educate all of us who might ever have a friend or loved one go through what you have. thank you. i'm so sorry you've had to deal with others' insensitivity in addition to everything else.


Kay said...

Yep, it is hard for people to realize you are already a mom, and I am so sorry they do not think before they talk. It is something that is difficult for people to comprehend. I am sure somewhere along the line someone will say something else stupid. I wish I could protect you from them all, please know there are those of us who never met Myles, but our lives have been forever touched by his presence in this world. Dh and I are some of those people, I feel sorry for those who, for whatever reason, did not allow Myles to touch their hearts.. believe me when I say..the loss is theirs..
Please know we care for you and continue to send prayers for you and your "Sprout" ( I figure that covers all the fruits to come!) I know that Big Brother Myles is Smiling down and watching over...

Bluebird said...

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I'm just so sorry. These comments bother you because they're hurtful and they SUCK. But you know what? The really unfortunate thing is that I'm *less* surprised that such insensitive things are said, and *more* surprised that your friend actually thought to correct one of them. I'm not trying to brush all the ick aside and feed you b.s. about looking on the bright side, honest :) I'm just so surprised that someone thought outside of themself long enough to chime in and your defense! I guess I've become a little jilted, you could say. People just don't surprised me much any more - even though they still hurt me deeply. I'm sorry people are like this. ((Hugs)) sweet girl.

Dalene said...

Ugh, the comment about being strong irks me, too. What else are we supposed to do, lie in bed all day?

Good for your friend for sticking up for you. People need to think before they open their mouths. I am 21 weeks pg with my second and anticipate similar comments about becoming a mother. I need to think of a snappy retort.

Heather said...

You said it well, Niki. Right there with you.

bethe53013 said...

I found that people shouldn't really say anything, I actually had someone say to me that " God knows best and perhaps I couldn't have handled the baby." This was insensitive and it crushed me. I wrote a book about my experience for myself and others go to,

Kay said...

Thinking of you today.. waiting for an update on Sprout!