Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Fetal Demise ...

... yes that's right there wasn't a heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in a week. There was a lot of blood forming all around the gestational sac, so I'm sure the miscarriage will happen soon once K stops the PIO. At least I hope for K's sake it's over soon and relatively painlessly. I was prepared for this and just yesterday hypothesized to my IVF nurse that this very same scenario would play out at today's appointment.

I am crushed yet again, but more crushed for K. I'm used to this kind of disappointment ... I've lived through worse, but K she hasn't had to deal with tragedies in pregnancy and now because of me she will go through the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage. I did this to K ... I put her through this and I feel horrible. I brought her into my nightmarish world and I have forever changed her. K entered this journey with us to help us make our dreams come true and look what we gave her in return. K was strong and kept telling me not to worry about her. I am worried about someone who can give so selflessly to us and then be put through this incredible hell. This whole situation is f*cked up and unfair beyond words.

So, apparently it's not just my $hitty, ghetto uterus that I have to worry about anymore, but now I also have to worry about my f*cked up eggs. My beautiful, strong, highly-graded embryos are not what they appear to be and my hypothesis is that my eggs suck! We know that one of my 8 Grade A embryos from IVF was chromosomally sound as Myles's karyotype was 46XY (normal male), but who knows about the others. 1 out of 8 is terrible. With 5 miscarriages (wait is it ? the number is getting so high I'm losing count) I suspect that the embryos might be a contributing factor too. Yes, the others losses could have been due to my crap uterus as we suspected, but this is the 2nd loss we've had after cardiac activity was established (my 1st m/c was @ 12wks) and that's typically an indicator of some chromosomal problem, especially when you know that a hormonal imbalance can't be the cause and the uterus is perfect, like K's. I asked K to collect a specimen for pathology (how nice of me, hah?! as if she doesn't have enough $hit to deal with on my account) and I anticipate the news of a chromosomal mess in the poor little embryo. Yep, today I officially feel like my entire reproductive system is beyond f*cked up!

As you know J and I have plans to fly to Mexico on Saturday, but how can I go and leave K to go through this alone. What kind of person does that?

86 comments:

-c said...

Well shit. This just sucks so bad.

I'm so sorry for all of you. You guys will be in my thoughts.

Damn.

Jen said...

Niki, I am so sorry. None of you deserve to go through this. My heart breaks for you and J and K too.

Perhaps you could delay your trip and take it in a few weeks. Much love to all of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kymberli said...

Oh, honey, I'm so, so sorry. I've been watching from afar. It might sound weird, but I was kind-of keeping my distance and not commenting because we transferred around the same time and I didn't want my bad luck to rub off. Stupid - I know, but logic is very different in infertility.

My IM felt like you do - she was very worried about me and all that I would have to go through to resolve the chemical (not the same as a m/c, I know). My IM has had four mid-pregnancy losses and like you, was understandbly upset about our outcome but has lived through far worse. She was sick with worry over me, but I was sick with worry over her.

I can't profess to know how K. is feeling, but at least for me, any physical and emotional pain I went through I know pales in comparison to anything my IPs have already gone through, and because I know that my physical discomfort will dissipate much sooner than any emotional pain my IPs have to endure.

If it would help K. to talk to another surrogate who has been through something similar, please feel free to put her in contact with me.

I'm thinking of you both and praying that answers are found and brighter days are ahead for you all.

(((HUGS)))

Mo and Will said...

Oh, God. I am so very sorry.

Mo

Intending To Be Parents said...

Excuse my language but this is so incredibly F'd up. None of you deserve this and I am absolutely and completely crushed for you that this is happening :( I don't know what else to say except that I'm so sorry :(

Rebecca said...

Oh God Niki...I am so damn sorry. I don't even know what to say. This is so fucking unfair! I am so sorry you all are going through this yet again. My heart is just simply breaking for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do...

mlg- believe-n-miracles said...

I am so sorry, I wish there was more I could do or say.

Bluebird said...

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. I am incredibly, unspeakably, heartbroken for you. I can't stop crying. I can't imagine what you, J, and sweet K must be going through. No one deserves this. Ever. Fu@k. I don't know what else to say.

Tom and Margit said...

Niki-I am so saddened by this news. None of you deserve this at all.
I am just at a loss of words because I am so sad for you.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

HUGS
Margit

G & H said...

Oh my heart is so sad for you guys and I wiill ost definitley be a prayer warrior for you today!

Irish Girl said...

Oh Niki. This is so awful. I'm so so sorry for your loss. So completely unfair and tragic. Sending you good thoughts and a big giant hug.

Dalene said...

Oh crap. This just really, really sucks. None of you deserve it.

Cortney said...

Niki,

I am so so so sorry. There are no words that i can say to make any of this better for you and all that involved. Please know that I love you more than you know and that you are sitting near and dear to my heart. sending hugs your way and if you can please pass them on to K and J. Again, I am sorry this has happened. This isn't fair to any of you.

Busted said...

My heart breaks for all of you. I'm so incredibly sorry. We're all here for you in whatever way you need us. (((HUGS))).

SMK said...

Niki!

OMG My heart is just sooo broken for you. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and J and of course to K as well. Try not to blame yourself. I wish I was there to give you a great big HUG!!
I guess my virtual hug will have to do for now. Sorry! :( take care of yourself.

Lisa said...

Niki - I am so, so sorry for you and J and please tell K that I am thinking of her. It is not fair and it is horrible and I hate the universe for you.

I am thinking of you and will continue to think of you all. K seems like an amazingly strong woman and I know that the two of you will get through this - in any way that you can. I am so sorry Niki.

Polly Gamwich said...

Oh my gosh ... I am so sorry. Talk about unfair. This is absolutely horrible.

I'm so sorry both you and K are going through this. I can feel your remorse when you talk about draggin her into your nightmarish world ... I feel the same way when I honestly share with people, so this must REALLy feel bad.

I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry.

ersterling said...

i am so sorry to read this. i will certainly be keeping all of you in my prayers. i really don't even know what to say. i will just pray for you and and J and of course for K too.

TeriLynn said...

Niki & Josh,
I am so sorry, No one deserves this! My heart is just so sad! You will all be in my thoughts!

Heidi said...

Niki, J, and K- My heart sank when I read this post. I cannot believe this has happened. It is not f%cking fair at all. I am pissed off for you all and upset that you have to endure even more heartache. My thoughts and prayers are with you all at this time. I am SO truly sorry for your loss.

Duck said...

wtf I so was not prepared to read this post, this is beyond terrible and I suck and not knowing the right words to say, all the excitement, I'm so sorry Niki, and I wish that this was not happenning to you and your family.
Wish I could do more for you.

Kay said...

There are no words I can say that are going to make any difference for you, for that I am sorry, but I am saddened for you and Josh. I am so sorry. If there is anything..anything you need or if you need to talk, let me know.. you have my number ( if ya lost it, email )
Sending tons of LOVE to you....

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry Nikki. Really really sorry. It's simply not fair.

N said...

I'm so, so sorry. For you guys, and for K both.

just me said...

I am so sorry. None of you deserve to go through this. You are all in my prayers.

N said...

I am just shocked. I so was not expecting to read this. I am so, so incredibly sorry. I just can't think of any words. I can understand how you are worrying about K, but I am sure she is more worried about you. I wish I had something insightful to say, but there just is no insight when something so awful happens. Big hugs, and if you need to "talk" please email me.

betsy said...

hey there,
I am Lisa's sister and have been checking up on her here and just wanted to say that I am truly sorry for what you are enduring. You, J, and K will continue to be in my thoughts.

Katie said...

I am so sorry for all of you. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts

momsoon said...

I am at a loss--there are no words, except how truly sorry I am, how I am thinking of all of you and that my prayers will be with you all. This is unbelievable.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so sorry, Niki. I'm so, so sorry.

Rhonda and Gerry W said...

Words, can't even begin to express my condolences.

Kris said...

I wrote on our thread, so all that is really left to say is ((HUGS)).

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

Sending hugs from Florida. SO sorry for your loss. Continuing to think of you, DH, and K.

Addysmommy said...

Niki.... I am so so so sorry. :( I was hoping for the best. (((BIGHUGS))) Your right.. it isn't fair.

Kelly said...

Niki,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of another baby. I know this meant everything to you and now you've had your hopes and dreams crushed again. I am so sorry hon!!

Dora said...

OH, NO!!!!! Fuck! Well, just ... FUCK! Niki, I'm so damn sorry. So fucking unfair!

Heather said...

Oh, no. My heart and stomach sank when I saw the title. I'm sorry seems so trite and useless right now, but I am - so very. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Completely and totally wrong. I'm sorry I'm late in responding, but this just showed up in my reader seconds ago.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Niki.

Jamie said...

N, J, and K- I am so sorry, this is so completely unfair! My heart broke when I saw your post. You all deserve so much more, so much better.

Devon said...

i am so sorry. just so sorry...

Gray said...

I am so sorry to hear of this news ... it is so unfair. I will keep you, J & K and family in prayer.

Hugs to all of you

Jacinta said...

Oh no, I am so, so, so sorry for you guys. This is just so unfair. I'm sure all the hopes we had were a tiny fraction of what you had.
Can K go to Mexico too? I am so sorry.

wendy said...

Im am so sorry. You will all be in my prayers. HUGS ~Wendy

R said...

I'm so sorry for you guys. I regularily pray for all of you but, tonight I'm going toc say an extra prayer.

Caroline said...

This is so unfair. Neither you nor K deserve this. It is not your fault. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

mom23greatgirls said...

F*ck.

That's all I can say other than to say that I am just so so sorry.

I'll be thinking of you, J, and K - once again, I am just so sorry.

Sara said...

This is so not okay. I'm so sorry and so bummed beyond words that you, J and K have to deal with this. I've been thinking of you guys all day. So sorry.

Kristin said...

OH damn...I am so fracking sorry. All of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

JenJen said...

I found your blog through Bluebird, and I just wanted to give you my condolences on your loss~ I don't know your whole story, but I can tell you guys have been through a lot by just reading this one post.

You're in my thoughts and prayers~ I saw the picture of your baby boy, Myles, on your sidebar and I have to tell you that he's beautiful.

Jen

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Sheri-ct said...

I am so sorry. My heart is broken for all of you.

Sheri

hil said...

I am so sorry. I was only a few days behind you guys and following your reports closely...I loved reading your summary of our babies' development. I'm having a miscarriage now as well. I am so sorry and will continue to think of you. Take care of each other.

travelaunt7 said...

I cannot f***ing believe this. I'm so incredibly sorry. I am in shock that this has happened to you again. You are all in my thoughts.

Monica said...

Niki and Josh,
We are so sorry to hear this news. Truly shocking. You'll be in our thoughts as always.
Travis and Monica

Erin said...

Crying for you, K, and your DH. This blows.I'm so very sorry. I was hoping for the very best.

HUGE HUGS!
E

Allison said...

this is so unfair. I am praying for you all tonight and crying for you as well :(

Lisa said...

N - I am thinking about you tonight.

Erica said...

I have no words. Thinking of and praying for you and your DH and K...

Emily said...

I am so very sorry. Hugs, prayers and thoughts to your entire family...

Darya said...

I just found your blog. I am so sorry for your news today and all that you've been through. I also watched your tribute to Myles and it is beautiful. Again, I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine your pain. (((HUGS)))

hopefulone said...

I am so sorry Nikki

On Jan 09 I went through the same thing with my IPs. We had fetal demise at about 10 weeks.

I am so sorry for all you all are going through and yet to go through.

Wewurtskihit said...

NO words can help in this F*k'd up situation. Nonetheless you are in our hearts in this @((@&#@(@ time.

I hope that you will take time to deal with all this and then try again. Giving up may seem the only solution right now but it is not!

Trust me - we know!!!!

xox
M&M&T

Phoebe said...

How terrible. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs your way and for your cousin too!

Lisa said...

I am so so sorry.

JN'sMom said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news. This is so unfair on so many levels. I am thinking of your whole family.

Heather and Jase said...

I keep coming back hoping that the words you had written had changed somehow. I am so very sorry for all you have been through. All of you will be in my thoughts for a long time to come.

Lisa said...

Hi Niki - I am thinking about you again this morning.

I hate to give assvice but I think you should still go on vacation - especially if K is okay and insists that she is okay - unless of course you are not okay with it.

Thinking of you.

Cara said...

I am so very sorry that you have to live this again. And K - what a stunning person you are. Yes, she will be forever changed, but with increased understanding and compassion.

It all just sucks -every little bit of it. sorry. xoxo

Natalia Ritchie said...

I was praying that this would be it for you. I am so sorry, so very sorry.

You guys are in my thoughts.

Alicia said...

(((Big Hugs)))

Leah said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray for your family.

Amanda said...

Here from LFCA

I don't have any assivce. All I can offer is my sympathy for all of you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Brenna said...

I just read Bluebird's post and had to come over. I'm so, so sorry. I'm holding you, K and your family in my thoughts.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of all of you.

Elizabeth said...

Niki, I am so sorry. This is awful. I can't believe it happened. I'm just so crushed for you.

hopefulone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nh said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all.

sara said...

I'm so sorry...I'm keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers.

Maureen said...

I'm so sorry.

~Denise~ said...

Niki, I'm so sorry.

Kelly said...

I'm completely heartbroken for you and I want you to know you and K are in my prayers. I wish the best to you and I know someday you will get what you want. You are so brave and you inspire me.

wereyoulookingforme said...

I'm so sorry for all of you, it's so unfair. Sending you hugs and support.

Poppy said...

awww Niki, I'm so sorry to hear this news.

Know that all 3 of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

{{{hugs}}}

SharingaDream said...

I've been really behind on the blogging thing and just read this and wanted to say how terribly sorry I am for yours and K's loss. What a crap shoot. I hope you realize though this is NOT your fault, you did not DO this to K, this is just par for the course with IVF and us surrogates know it can happen. This is not something you "chose" to do to her, and your history is not an indicator of what was to come being that you were changing up the situation by using a surrogate. So please don't blame yourself, this just sucks, there is no reason, it just sucks.

I'm so sorry.

A n T said...

So sorry. (((hugs)))


LFCA

Tarah said...

Finding you from "Little Bluebirds Fly"..

I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of Miles. I know that there are no word to comfort you right now, but know that we are all thinking of you and will be here when you need us.

Thinking of you and hoping that you can enjoy at least a little bit of your vacation.

(((Big Hugs)))

Tarah

Heather said...

OMG Nikie- I just caught up after a few days away and I just can't believe this has happened to you...

This is so insanely unfair. I am sitting here crying and furious with frustration.

You're in Mexico now and I hope that you're chugging margaritas.

I am just so, so sorry.