Thursday, March 12, 2009

Walking Through Flames

I am at a loss for what to say. I am moved beyond words by your kindness, compassion, sadness, mourning and willingness to be mad at the universe with us. We will ever so slowly pick up the pieces as we always manage to do. K is strong and I know she will weather the storm and will come out fine on the other side, but my heart still hurts for her and for us. I know K wanted to do this for us to help us realize our dreams and I know she was aware of the risks, yet I can't get over how unfair it is that she has to go through this. Someone who gives such a gift shouldn't have to suffer. We have been openly communicating and are doing are best to try to support each other through this. As K reminded me this morning "we're in this together". That tiny little phrase warmed my heart and took away some of the guilt I feel for putting K through this. I was reminded that we are a team and that although it's not going to be easy for any of us, we will perservere!

I am saddened that the universe teased me and dangled my dream in front of me only to coldly rip it from me again. You'd think I'd be used to the disappointment and sadness of a miscarriage being that this is the 5th one I've lived through, but I can't seem to grow accustomed to it. Despite my best efforts to guard myself and prepare myself for bad news I'm left shocked and devastated. As most of you know this little embryo had an extra special place in my heart as he/she was conceived with Myles and frozen with him. This little embryo was my last living connection to Myles and now it's gone and my heart aches. With every miscarriage after Myles my heart aches more for him. The losses take me to the dark place inside of me where I am certain that I will never have another child and that Myles was my one shot at motherhood and I f*cked it up. (Please don't lecture me on my guilt over Myles's death. I'm logical and know I couldn't do anything, but it doesn't make the hurt and guilt in my heart any less sharp.)

I looked to surrogacy as my hope for the future and I never expected that this would happen. After having a day to reflect and think, I'm still convinced that surrogacy is the path for us to baby #2 (or #3). A friend asked me last night why I don't consider adoption. At this point I don't care to get into all the details of why adoption isn't the appropriate path for us at this time, but suffice it to say that it just doesn't feel right to me. I felt strongly when pursuing IVF that it would lead me to a baby and it led me to Myles. Yes, I had to go through hell and back to get there, but I was blessed with my wonderful, amazing little Mr. Myles. I would do it all over again and go through more just to have him for a minute of time.

Others have asked questions that leave me thinking they wonder how and why I put myself through this repeated heartache? I realize that it's difficult for some people, especially those who have easily conceived their children, to understand how someone would continue to go through such pain and devastation. It seems sadistic. But I ask anyone who's a parent to ask yourself this question ... Would you walk through fire for your child? I'm certain you all would. I am doing just that. I just walk a little longer and through a little hotter flames. I may stumble through the flames, but I manage to get up again and continue to walk. I walk through these flames for the child I know in my heart awaits me in the future. I feel it in my heart that surrogacy is the path that will lead me to another child, so when, and if, K is ready we will try again.


A Decade of BFNs said...

You are very strong and I admire you for that. (((((((((((huggs))))))) there are no words that would explain the sorrow I feel for your loss.

Mrs. Spit said...

Can I say that my heart breaks that your are hurting, but I'm a bit glad too.

No one would fault you if you turned your emotions off. You have walked a road that no one should have to walk. I will never have a good answer, I will never have any answer. I can't find anything about this road you've been put on that is just or fair or even reasonable.

But, the fact that it still hurts, that tells me that your capacity to love and feel and trust and hope is enormous. In spite of all reason to feel otherwise, you are still loving and hoping. And that's a thing of beauty.

Can I just say, I'm proud as hell to know you?

Lisa said...

I am with you!!! And I am still pissed at the universe for you. I am so sorry that little one frozen with Myles had such a short time with you and J through the kindness of K.

I am not ready to consider adoption yet either and frankly I am tired of people suggesting it like "why don't you just adopt" like it is so freaking easy and like we are selfish assholes for not doing so.

Honestly, I think it would be easier for me to move on to other options - donor eggs, donor sperm, etc. had I not gotten pregnant. But I did and it was the most amazing, most loving, incredible time of my life and I want that, I want it badly and I am prepared to go the long haul to get back to that. Will I, me personally have to make another decision someday? Maybe. I have so few eggs each time and we make so few embryos - out of 3 IVFs we have had 18 eggs, 8 of which made it to embryos and now 6 of those have been transferred back to me. We will see how these three do but as you know I lost the other two very early. When I am ready, and not one minute sooner, I may consider other options. Each of us has our own personal road to travel and I want the people around me to understand that - if they don't, I limit what I share with them because I just cannot invest in that.

I am with you Niki!!! Through it all - through all of the flames - and we will heal our burns together. I am not minimizing my own struggles, but you have had some of the worst times of anyone I have ever met and I am proud of you even though we have never met and glad that there is a woman like you out there - you are amazing and continue to inspire me.

momsoon said...

I have thought of you all over the last 24 hours since reading the devestating news.
I know you would (and are) walking through flames to get to your next child, that takes guts and a strong sense of faith, therefore what your small quiet voice tells you about surrogacy/adoption you must listen to. I feel the same way you do, and really have no basis other than a gut feeling...
Prayers, hugs and wishes for your hope to pervail.

Anonymous said...

I would/will walk through the fire for my children, I understand. You are doing what any mother would do, no doubt. You, J and lovely K are so amazing, you are a team and together you will get through this. I am so sorry that your heart aches more and more for your baby boy Myles, it is just heartbreaking. But I know that Myles has made you the strong and determined mother that you are now, I know how you feel about not giving up, Myles has given you the reason to not give up. I feel the same way about my girls, I cant give up, because in a way I feel like I would be giving up on them, and as you said I would walk through fire.
When you are ready, we will be here to cheer you on, in the meantime, you are in my thoughts and in my heart, you are so loved by many.

Dalene said...

I think it's only natural to have hope for the future--I don't think you were being naive in thinking this surrogacy would work out. I'm just so sorry.

Bluebird said...

I think surrogacy is my magic answer, too. I don't know anyone in my life to give us that gift, but I have often wished for it because it seems to be the answer. I think that's why your news was *so* shocking to me - because it seemed like surely you had finally found the answer.

I also understand why you have to keep doing this. I said the very same thing to my mom a few weeks ago - if I *hadn't* experienced pregnancy and loved our sweet babies, such a perfect mix of B and me, it might be different because I wouldn't know what I'm missing. But I do.

I've been thinking of you ever since your post yesterday, and have cried for your more than a few times. I certainly didn't expect to read such gracious and strong words today! I am beyond amazed and you, and J and K, and the amazing faith and love you have in each other. I'm so proud of you. Please - please - let me know if there's ever anything I can do.

Erin said...

Hey Friend,

IGNORE any well-intentioned fertiles who ask why you continue to walk through the fire. They are, clearly, so ignorant for judging you in this way. Only we infertiles, the women who had no choice than to spend YEARS of hell and back, understand.


nutmeg96 said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. :(

mom23greatgirls said...

Niki -
I was up at 1:00 this morning thinking of all you.

Yes, my answer to finding my family might have been different but ultimately you said absolutely the right thing - that you are walking through the fire to get to your family - even if it's painful, even if it sucks, even if it isn't fair, it's still YOUR decision on which walk to take.

I HATE that you are having to be this strong - it sucks big time, it really does.

I'm thinking of you guys (all of you) again tonight as I suspect I will be for a while - big hugs and a big shoulder for you to lean on.

niobe said...

I'm sitting here, reading your words and wishing desperately that there was something I could do to ease your pain. I will be following your journey and holding you and your sweet Myles in my heart.

Natalie said...

Oh I am just so sorry for your loss... and I understand your sentiment that K should not have to suffer, she is giving a gift to you guys. :(

Sheri-ct said...


You have been on my thoughts all day. I am so sorry. I completely understand your desire to continue on this path. I walked through fire for 4 years to have my children and I would have done it for another 4 (if necessary). Yes, adoption is a beautiful, wonderful option if (and only if) it is in your heart. I, too, could not get accept that as my path and many people could not understand that. They had not walked in my shoes and would never know my pain. You will have another baby because your heart will not let you stop until you do. ((((((((HUGS)))))))


Nicole said...

I love your analogy to the flames. You nailed it right there!

That said...

I am so sorry for both you and K. I know you are both hurting but that you will help each other through this.

Luna said...

I'm so sorry for ur loss and I totally understand your quest for a child.Myles was a wonderful baby.Keeping you guys in my prayers here in Canada.I wish I had words to make you feel better.You are an amazing and strong woman.Take care!

SharingaDream said...

You are an amazingly strong and determined person. You will get your dream, how and when is the difficult questions but not "if", I'm positive of that.

I'm sorry you are left with this pain again, I'm sorry you've had to go through it so many times, I never expected this to happen.

You mentioned how you felt about the possiblity of your eggs being an issue, would you consider egg donation?

Keep fighting for that dream, don't let anyone discourage you, only you know when it's time to change things around or switch it up, or find new paths, but don't ever lose your hope.

I'm so sorry again for all of you. I will be thinking of you lots and praying your able to find some peace.

Delenn said...

Coming from LAFC. I am so very sorry for you and K's loss.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

"Walk through flames." Yes indeed. Beautifully said.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Keep walking through the fire Niki...hugs.

Wewurtskihit said...

You guys are so strong, that I am sure you will prevail no matter HOW much the universe SUX! And it SUX!!

here is food for thought and though I know it does little to take the pain away, maybe it will help you through this time:

My brother and his wife had 14 miscarriages, incl 2 sets of twins before they were blessed with a beautiful little girl 14 months ago!

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) (best we can do right now)