Monday, March 30, 2009

Courage and Fear

This morning on my way to work I saw a sign on a church kiosk that read as follows ...

"Courage is being scared but doing it anyway."

Ever since reading this it's been playing over and over in my head. I feel like I live each day in fear. I fear that Myles will be our only child. I fear that a high proportion of the embryos we make are chromosomally abnormal. I fear that we "wasted" chromosomally normal embryos on my sub-optimal uterus. I fear that my eggs are bad. I fear that I won't get as many eggs in IVF #2. I fear that being 1.5 years older will negatively affect my egg quality. I fear that suddenly something will be wrong with J's swimmers. I fear that I won't have many embryos this time. I fear that our embryo quality won't be as good this time. I fear that I won't have embryos to freeze. I fear that if I don't do acupuncture like I did with IVF #1 that I won't have similar results in IVF #2. I fear that I won't have a surrogate to help make our dreams come true. I fear that if we get pregnant again we'll have another miscarriage. I fear that we will lose another baby if we are so fortunate to have one. I fear that we'll live our lives with completley broken hearts and aching, empty arms. I fear that I am fighting a losing battle. But, the thing I fear the most is not trying again and spending the rest of my life wondering what if ... So, I keep repeating to myself that "courage is being scared but doing it anyway."

14 comments:

Linda said...

Your story is one of the most courageous I've heard so far.

meinsideout said...

You truly are one of the most courageous women I have experienced.

((HUGS))

I am scared too.

Just Me said...

I think you are fearless right along side meinsideout...

I posted this a week or so ago

http://vicinityofhope.blogspot.com/2009/03/fearless.html

Wewurtskihit said...

What you have been through and are going through and will go through is scary!!

(proverbial) BUT....

It takes more courage than anything, ANYTHING anyone can ever muster!!

You are without doubt one of the most courageous persons out and about!!!

Rebecca said...

I heard something similar one time that has stayed with me..."it's not brave if you're not scared".

I wish we didn't have to be so damn brave all the time. (((HUGS)))

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

What a beautiful post!

Continuing to admire your srength and courage.

S said...

About 90% of what you've said in your post is so true to me as well. Fear is an inherent part of my life now, my life without my daughter Janaki. I am terrified that she will be our only live child, I will never give up, but I know like everyone I have a breaking point, and I'm afraid I'll reach it before I have a live child, ... we create chromosomally abnormal embryos too so I'm compromising with trying something new this cycle.

In the middle of all this fear, there is hope, and that is what keeps us trying through seemingly endless trials.

Sending you some "hang in there" hugs

Heather said...

I like that... "Courage is being scared but doing it anyway."

I agree with everyone- you and your husband have so much courage. To be admired, definitely.

Wishing though, that you did not need quite so much and that good things happen for you really really soon.

momsoon said...

I am with you, walking through the fear, letting the past not dictate what the future holds.
It is not easy, but you have shown already that your courage is vast...thanks for your support along the way. xo

KRISTI said...

I really enjoy reading your blog. You seem to have an amazing talent into putting your thoughts and feelings into words.

I wish you nothing but peace and happiness. Thank you for sharing your story.

SharingaDream said...

I love that quote, and I believe you are entitled to your fears. You've been through so much, you really are very courageous.

Duck said...

It's great to hear of all your fears, not that i wnat you to be afraid, but, to know that it is normal. I too fear that there will be no babies in my future, no eggs, no embryos etc etc etc...I'm working on it.
take care

Erica said...

So it seems you have your answer. Try again.

People who've made it to the other side in one way or another tell me "I'll know what to do and when to do it." So I figure that I've got to just sleep on it and go with my gut. We certainly know that careful planning doesn't necessarily make a difference. So trust yourself and your heart. I believe in you.

Kelly said...

((((Niki))))