Sunday, March 22, 2009

Now What?

Hmm, haven't you heard me say that before?! I feel like I've been sitting in this very same spot a million times before over the past several years, yet I seem just as lost right now as I was the first time I sat here. I hate the limbo! I hate the not knowing of what we will do next or what direction we will embark on! I like to know where I'm headed as it always brings me comfort. I'm not feeling like we don't have a travel destination, but rather just that we don't have the GPS programmed yet. I'm obviously anxious to get the GPS programmed, so we can head off in the right direction.

I've talked with K about all that's happened with the miscarriage and emergency D&C. Not surprisingly K's husband was scared to death when he receieved a frantic phone call that his wife was going in for a D&C because she was hemorrhaging. As a result he feels quite strongly that K can't go through another cycle with us again. I don't blame him for having these feelings. He wants to protect his wife, the mother of his children, and the logical way to do that is to end the surrogacy journey. Additionally K's husband has some other reasons for not wanting K to continue, which I won't get into here, but all of his points are very valid. I understand that both K and her family need time to process all that's happened in the last two weeks before they make any final decisions, so we are going to give them some much needed time and space.

K and her family know that we will be moving on with our plans for IVF #2 and that we do not presume that they will be a part of our continued journey. It is important for my mental health and well-being to keep moving forward, so that's what we'll do. I will discuss surrogacy as a part of our future, but I will not discuss who will be a part of it. I need to give K and her family time to decide if they will continue on this journey with us or not. Of course we are hopeful that K will continue this journey with us, but we understand if she is unable to do so.

I told K that it's much easier for us to bounce back from the miscarriage because 1) we didn't go through the physical part of it, 2) we've been through 4 other miscarriages and are familiar with the wide range of emotions that accompany such a loss, and 3) it's not nearly as emotionally painful for us as was watching Myles die. Plus, years of being battered by infertility and recurrent miscarriage has made us quite resilient. Like I said before we stumble along this journey, but we keep getting to our feet and we forge ahead. We are "walking through flames" to get to our child. I have to say that this fall was a pretty bad one for me, in particular, because I expected surrogacy to solve all of our problems. I should've known better to think that it would be a smooth ride as nothing about this journey has been smooth. Despite this HUGE, devastating blow I still feel strongly that surrogacy will bring us a child, so working with a surrogate will be an integral part of our future journey.

I have my WTF appointment (i.e., post-IVF consult) with Dr. S scheduled for 3/31 to discuss our next step, so that meeting should help set us in motion. I hope that Dr. S is ready for me this time because I have a million questions for him! I'm guessing our protocol for IVF #2 will be similar to that of IVF #1 because I had a good response. I stimmed for 11 days with a combo of Bravelle & Menopur. My estrogen levels were low the whole time and never correlated properly with my follicle count, but my RE assured me that there are a select few women (go figure I'm one of them!) who have mature eggs as indicated by u/s despite what the E2 level indicates. He was correct. Here are my stats from IVF #1:

-21 mature follicles at trigger
-2 empty follicles at ER
-19 eggs retrieved
-16 mature eggs that fertilized with ICSI
-8 blastocysts (graded A; all frozen due to lining problems)

I'm guessing that he'll have me do the same protocol: slow and low seems to work for me! I was thinking that stimming during the school year might not be the best idea and thought about waiting until June, but maybe I'll start near the end of the school year if it works with Dr. S's schedule. I figure that the worst case scenario is that we won't have a surrogate to transfer our fresh embryos to, but realize that if that's the case we'll just freeze the embryos until we can find a surrogate. In my dream world my uterine lining would suddenly do something miraculous and grow thick so we could transfer to me, but we know that is highly improbable and very unlikely to happen.


Sticks and Stims said...

Oh Niki - I feel for you, J and K right now.

You are so strong and amazing - you will persevere. What a great example you and J are to K and her husband - how scared he must be. People that do not live in this world probably do look in and wonder why we are not all locked up.

I blog with a few surrogates - they are truly amazing women. Let me know if you want their blog addresses.


BTW, I am making the 0 pt soup from WW and a garlic roasted chicken out of a WW cookbook one of my girlfriend's gave me. I am going to try and life my life like I used to before all of this garbage happened. I left my email one of my last posts to you if you are still interested in swapping recipes and giving support. XOXO

Duck said...

Glad to see that you're moving forward, I find this to be hard because I'm physically experiencing nothing and would love to be able to at least feel physically feel the pain that I feel emotionally - if that makes sense.

So much more to say, and I'm only an email away if you ever want to "chat"

hopefulone said...

You are such strong women, again I am so sorry for all you have gone through and hope your upcoming consult gives you some answers and direction.

Sorry K had to go all through she did, I had a D&C with mine too and all is good and can understand how scary it must of been for her family.

big hugs...

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

I continue to think of you and to admire your strength. I am sorry you are hurting.

Karma & Adam said...

I just found your blog through another one I follow and wanted to pop by with a note.
First off, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Myles. I watched the amazing video you put together for him and am in awe of all of you. I can't imagine your loss, or your heartbreak, but I am certain Myles knew how much he was loved by his mommy & daddy.
I'm also very sorry for your recent loss with K. All of this is so hard. My sister was our GS and our first successful transfer resulted in an ectopic - that was difficult for us for so many reasons, and was especially difficult for me to watch my sister go through that.
But we persevered and our second transfer resulted in our now 9-month old baby girl.
I hope you get the GPS programmed soon for your next journey : ) I too always found it much easier to move on if I had something to move forward towards.
All the best - I'll be pulling for you!

travelaunt7 said...

OMG, I can't believe on top of everything else that K developed complications as well. How awful. You are all in my thoughts.

I wish you the best in deciding what your next step will be.


Lost in Space said...

Niki, you have to be one of the most amazing women I have ever "met". I am in awe of your strength and determination even in the midst of your grief and pain.

I'm so sorry your hope for surrogacy as your answer wasn't the case this time. I want nothing more than for this to work for you.....for you to have Myles' baby brother or sister in your arms.

Hugs and prayers for you all.

Kelly said...

Prayers that everything works out for you Niki! There is a lot to consider. My hope is that they can get your lining thick enough to do the transfer on you. :)

Sheri-ct said...

I am so sorry for all of you. I hope K is feeling better soon. That must have been so scary for all of you.

I hope Dr S had some great answers and recommendations for you. Yes, it does feel better to have a plan. I used to hate the waiting between cycles when I did not have a plan. I needed to be able to focus on "what's next". You will be in my thoughts. ((((((Hugs)))))))


CrystalnMelanie said...

I found your blog by reading another. I am so sorry for your loss. You son Myles was so handsome! And I'm sure he knew that his Mommy and Daddy loved him dearly. I am also sorry about K having this M/C. Life just isn't fair and I hope you have success the next go round. Being a GS myself, I wish there was something that I could do. Know that I am thinking about you and your family.