Monday, March 23, 2009

Deep Dark Place

This is where I went yesterday and am not sure when I'll return. Please beware that this is not a happy, hopeful post by any means. Today I feel hopeless and want to curl up in my dark place and not face the world with my fake happy face. The people IRL who read this won't understand how one goes to such a place and I'm too tired to explain it. Quite frankly I'm reaching the point where I'm just plain tired, actually exhausted is more like it. Like one of my dear blogger friends I too want off this horrible ride!

One of my closest friends, L, listened to me cry and go on for hours yesterday. She has to endure my constant questions about how the universe can put so much on one family ... about how unfair it is that others are blessed repeatedly and others are just beaten down repeatedly ... about how I don't believe in miracles. All of those beliefs went out the window when Myles died. At one point during this conversation L said that maybe this is hell? Maybe J and I are experiencing hell on Earth? My response was that hell couldn't possibly be any worse than the life we live, so I guess this is my hell.

I have reached a point when honestly I wonder if I'm in denial. Am I refusing to see the evidence that is stacking up in front of me? For as difficult as it is to endure the constant heartache we face it is even more difficult for me to acknowledge the real possiblity that I might not have another child.

(Please don't give me any trite platitudes or promises that I'll one day be a mother to another child. I really don't need that right now. I just need to wallow in my dark place.)

23 comments:

Kay said...

Niki,
you know you will not get trite diatribes from me.. my advice Wallow for a few days,, you are going to feel this way until you don't anymore. I think sometimes we forget it is OK to get angry, we need to get angry, we need to be allowed to be a little destructive sometimes. You have every right to feel the way you do...only you know when you have healed enough to deal with the rest of us idiots out here...you are dealing with some big questions.. as far as are you in denial...I really do not think so, you have not exhausted your options ( as far as I can tell )...you will know Niki, you will hit a point that will say "No More" you have not hit that place. As to whether you will hit that place before you bring a baby home, I will not insult you to pretend I know that answer... but know this.....

when you hit that place, I will be here...and you have my support and love...no matter when or how that comes...I know there are others who feel the same way... gritch all ya want, you have every right to, get it out, scream, run, bake..whatever brings you peace for now.

When you are done.. I will be right ready to walk with you again... to the next place on this journey....

Mo and Will said...

Oh Niki. I have not walked exactly in your shoes, but Will and I are wondering some of the very same things. are we refusing to see the writing on the wall? and how can the world be so incredibly unfair. My heart goes out to you. Am hoping the deep dark place is a temporary one for both of us.

Mo

Bluebird said...

Wallow away. No one has any right to try to talk you out of it. And no one should ever have to go through what you have gone through. It breaks my heart for you.

I know there are no good words right now except "this sucks," and "I'm so sorry" - but those too seem shallow. Just know that there are tons of people thinking of you. I wish there were more that I could do. ((Hugs))

Kris said...

Oh Niki-
I am p*ssed at the universe for you. No one should have to endure all that you have been through. It not fair and it sucks.
Thinking of you
Kris

Busted said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I can't say I blame you or that I would be feeling any different in your situation. I won't say anything to try to make you feel better, just wanted to let you know that we understand and are also angry at how things have turned out for you. (((HUGS)))

Tina said...

I believe this is the first time I have posted, but I just had to let you know how sorry I am that you have gone through all of this. I do not have the words to express how p*ssed off at the universe I am for you. I cannot fathom what you are going through but I think that you should wallow and take some time to grieve.

Take care and know that so many people are thinking of you and your family.

Sara said...

Niki-
Although we haven't been through the exact same situation, I do completely understand the feelings you are describing. I have felt them before and for a long time lost hope myself. I know our journeys are different, but I understand your need to wallow and there's nothing that can be said by anyone to make it better. Putting on the fake happy face almost makes the feeling worse, I think.

Thinking of you always and hating how unfair this all is.

Jacinta said...

Stay for as long as you need to. The circumstances that you and your hubby are in are really like no other and it is a personal hell. I am just so sad with you. I truly hope that out of these ashes, you can find something to help you keep going.

Erica said...

Thinking of you...

Rebecca said...

Niki,

You know none of those empty promises and platitudes will ever come from my mouth. All I can say is that I'm so sorry, and I'm here if you need another shoulder. I'm abiding with you. I love you.

Duck said...

Thank you Niki. I wish you lived in my city so we can get together and you can scream and the universe, and i can feel normal for feeling the same way, and we can both cry and be miserable, because I feel F*ed up too, combined with guilt because I'm suppose to be positive aLL THE TIME. I'm tired. You know where I am if you need me

SMK said...

Niki

I am so sorry you are in that place.... we all go there from time to time... I am also there right now... I won't go into specifics but some days I wonder how a God so full of love and be so cruel and torture some of us. I even said to my friend today... this feels like hell to me.... Please feel free to send me an email we can be miserable together and pull each other through. Take care I am thinking of you. Sending you a virtual hug. I am not sure if J is good to rely on or to lean on... mine doesn't often express his feelings so he isn't always the best... so if you need a friend please lean on me.

Sticks and Stims said...

You won't get any rainbows and sunshine from me. I cannot claim to know exactly how you feel as I have not been to the depths of hell that you have been to.

I have no idea what it would be like to be on the other side of what I feel now. I keep trying to prop myself up - but the thoughts that ran through my head - like insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - and obviously "it wasn't meant to be" and on and on and on and on. I agree with Mo - I keep telling myself it is only temporary, but is it?

XOXOXOXOXO

Mrs. Spit said...

Sending hugs in whatever place you are in.

SharingaDream said...

Feel whatever emotions you want to right now...you have earned that right, you have been through so much these last couple of weeks, I would be angry and pissed too. Allow yourself those feelings and never apologize for them.

As for what your future holds, noone knows, but until your ready to say "that's it", than one will never know. Follow your heart, what does it tell you? Cause the mind can sure fuck you up with all it's negativity too.

Just know that no matter what the universe wants to tell you, you DESERVE nothing less than your dreams coming true.

I'm so sorry for you and sending my thoughts and care your way.

Caroline said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Know that you are not alone. We are thinking of you, and are here to support you.

That said...

Thinking of you.

Lost in Space said...

Niki, my sweet dear, I am so sorry. I want nothing more than to sit with you and listen and cry and comfort you. I hate that you are in this place, but know sometimes it is the only place we can be.

You know I'm an anti-platitude kind of girl myself and am all about going to those deep dark places to really feel it and release it. I'm here listening - no matter where you are or where you go, I'm here. Right now I am sitting next to you and when you are ready to walk again, I'll be by your side then too. Lots of love and hugs.

Kelly said...

I've been to that place Niki. I know exactly what you describe and it's very real. Just keep pressing on and fighting for what you believe. You are strong and will face this head on.

Jayme said...

I've often wondered the same thing
For me, I keep trying because my desire to complete my family is greater than my fear of another loss. It did take me almost two years to get to that point this time though.

Heather said...

Oh Niki. I think being in a deep dark place is exactly where I would be too. Stay there as long as you need to.

We'll all be here to listen.

Karma & Adam said...

I've been where you are and it sucks. SUCKS. I remember when I was going through chemo I got a lot of "It will all be ok", and "I know you're going to be just fine!" That never helped me. And then when my crappy uterus post-treatment couldn't make a baby happen, I got a lot of "You WILL be a mother one day. Just have faith..." That drove me crazy. My philosophy has always been, if you can't say something like that FOR SURE, you shouldn't say it at all.
So all I will say to you is this: You are where you are, and you'll be there as long as you need to be. And when it's time to change the scenery, you will find the strength to do so.
Thinking of you.

Allison said...

I have no advice or any words of wisdom, because I haven't been where you are. Just know that I'm thinking of you.