Monday, July 28, 2008

I'm a baby killing machine

Hi, my name is Niki and my body kills babies.

I took 3 hpts this past weekend and all immediately came up as +. I was guardedly excited, but honestly didn't expect much. I told some of my friends that I was pregnant, but that I would probably end up having a miscarriage because "I was due for one." Boy did I predict that one ... today was my 1st beta and it came back at only 19. I can only assume that I am miscarrying given that the most sensitive hpt detects the lowest level of hcg at 25, which means that my hcg level must have been at least 25 on Friday. Therefore, my hcg levels have dropped and I'm having chemical pregnancy #2. So, that makes a total of 3 miscarriages (2 chemical pregnancies and 1 m/c at 12wks) for me and with Myles' death a total of 4 losses. Four pregnancies, 1 beautiful baby, and 2 empty, aching arms! :(

My clinic says they don't go by hpts and that I have to continue on my meds and wait for the 2nd beta on Wednesday. I asked what would happen if the level dropped and the nurse said I would be able to stop meds and wait to bleed. I immediately asked when I could start another cycle and she said as soon as I get a period I could begin things. Gosh, what kind of mommy am I to my snowbabies that are trying to hang on?! I'm already on to my next cycle. I guess I just wish it would have been a bfn as that would have been easier to deal with. Of course all of this shit makes me just miss Myles even more! It makes me wonder if I'm destined for a life of only being a mommy to a dead baby?! I just can't bear to live the rest of my life that way!

Then I ask myself these questions: Why do I keep doing this to my snowbabies?! Am I knowingly killing them by placing them in my body? Should I just quit and live my life as the mother to a dead baby? How can I continue to go through this over and over again? How much will be enough?

11 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

Oh Nikki:

There are so many hard questions, and I can't give you any answers. I can tell you that you get to decide when enough is enough, and we will all stand by you through the hurt and the pain.

I am so sorry.

Jen said...

I am so sorry Niki. I also wonder when enough will be enough and when it is enough, what then? I have no good answers, but only lots of love and hugs to offer you.

SMK said...

Niki I am so sorry that I don't have the answers either. I have thought those thoughts too and I have no response that will make sense or ease your pain. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and shoulder to cry on. I am here if you ever need to talk.

Rebecca said...

Hugs. That's all...just lots and lots of hugs.

I wish with all my being this wasn't happening again.

Shelli said...

I am so sorry.

I wonder every day myself when enough is enough.

Irish Girl said...

Hi Niki. I came over from Mel's L&F. Last week I was given the same news -- a low beta with a two day wait to see if it doubles. Unfortunately mine did not and I started my period today. But in my searches I did find several positive outcomes from similar situations and I will keep hoping that for you! It can and does happen :) In the meantime, please be kind to yourself and know we are thinking of you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do understand how hard it is to hear that news and then have to wait what feels like an eternity.

battynurse said...

I'm sorry. Hugs to you.

Deborah said...

Over from LostandFound.

(((Hugs)))

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh Nikki!! I came over from L&F to give you some support and lots of hugs.

Niki said...

Thank you so much for all of your support! I'm new to blogging and I don't know what Mel's Lost and Found is, but I googled it. Am I on the bloglist? If not, I guess I should put myself there.

Heather said...

Gosh, I am so so sorry.

That's just horrible.

(Hugs)