Sunday, July 13, 2008

Can I really have it all?

Today I've been thinking and worrying and thinking and worrying! I read a post by Mrs. Spit on Risk Management and it really got me thinking. I worry that I'm being selfish and that I'm trying to have it all and that this desire is going to come to bite me in the ass. I have 6 high-quality embryos frozen and waiting to find an inviting "home." The problem is that the "home" I have to offer isn't necessarily the most inviting place or at least it hasn't been in the past. J and I considered using a surrogate as we had a couple of offers from family members to carry our babies. I researched surrogacy--I read some books, I talked surrogates, I talked to expectant parents, I talked to those who made offers to be our surrogates, and it all sounded great with the exception of one thing ... someone else would be carrying my baby(ies)! I want to carry my baby and I want a different ending this time!

We've been battling infertility for 3 years and I've wanted a baby more than anything else. I was fortunate to get pregnant 3 times and I don't have a baby in my arms to show for this. I was blessed with a beautiful, perfect little boy, but he died and now my arms are empty and my heart is broken! I loved being pregnant with Myles and want to be pregnant again, but I worry that this may be a selfish desire that could cause my future baby his/her life.

I am 4 days away from transferring two of my "snowbabies" to my uterus and am carrying around a huge mixed bag of emotions. I'm sad and angry that I'm doing IVF again during the time I thought I would spend getting to know Myles. I'm worried that I won't get pregnant again. I worry that if I do get pregnant again that I will develop early-onset preeclampsia again. I worry that I will have another micro-preemie. I worry that the baby will suffer long-term health problems. I worry that my 2nd baby will die and I the remainder of my heart will crumble. I worry that I will become the mother of 2 dead babies! Despite all of this I still manage to have a tiny bit of hope. My memories of my beautiful boy give me hope!

I have willingly decided to go down this road again, but that doesn't mean that I don't continually question my decision. I opted to take this lonely road and am traveling it with a new, paralyzing fear. The destination that I hope to reach will make the journey worth it! Getting there will be another story!


Rebecca said...

I have no advice, as I can't know exactly what you're feeling. All I can do is say that I understand your mixed emotions. It's got to be torture carrying all of this wonder, worry, and guilt around inside you while still trying to maintain some spark of hope. You know that I'm here with you and here for you...whenever and whatever you need. No matter what you finally decide to do, whatever is right for your family, you know I'm your loudest cheerleader and biggest supporter. I only wish you weren't having to go through this horrible process of making these decisions and questioning. I have no words of wisdom, no way to make this easier or less heartwrenching...just the words I've spoken over and over...I love you and I'm here for you. (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

I think we all question our decisions to try again after we've had suffered so much from losing our babies and PE. At least I do. I worry about all of the what if's too. Hugs.

Heather said...

I wish you the greatest peace with your choices. They're hard ones. We're waiting for some doctors' appointments and test results for a final verdict, but as things stand now, I think we'll probably TTC sometime in the new year. I'm sure I'll be an emotional wreck!

The odds are debilitating, and like you, definitely don't want to go through this horror again. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts during this stressful time.

Mrs. Spit said...

Ahh, the thing about risk is that it's personal. What one person would do, another wouldn't. I've met women who would not get pregnant again after pre-e. And I don't blame them.

In the end, you do the best you can, with what you have. And pray that it's enough.

We'll be with you, praying and cheering, every step of the way.