Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Miscarriage #3

First I want to thank all of you who came to give me cyber hugs and lend support. It means a lot to know there are others out there who understand what I'm going through. Many cyber hugs to all of you in the IF trenches and many congrats to those of you who've made it out.

Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. Having to do IVF sucks. Preeclampsia sucks. Losing a child sucks beyond belief. Having to do IVF again sucks. Having a miscarriage after all of the previously listed "sucky" things that have happened to me sucks.

I got my 2nd beta results back and my beta hcg dropped to 7. So, this makes miscarriage #3 for me. Although this wasn't a surprise, it still stung a bit. I wasn't holding out much hope, but had that persistant thought of well maybe just maybe this could be my miracle. Seriously, who was I kidding? Miracles happen to other people not me.

I am saddened by the loss of my dream and I am horrified to think that my body may have caused the death of my embryos. I am starting to really worry that my body is a baby killing machine?! I want to believe that it's not, but I'm having a hard time putting any faith in this body whatsoever.

This loss compounds and amplifies my sadness over Myles' death. If he had been born in May as was planned, I wouldn't be going through this loss right now. I'd be cuddling and loving my sweet little boy. I'd still have 6 frozen snowbabies in the freezer. But, my life never goes according to plans and Myles came early and died far too soon. So, now rather than cuddling and loving my sweet boy I cry and long for him daily! And now I lost another baby. I've been pregnant 4 times and all 4 times I've lost my babies. I have a giant, broken heart along with two empty, aching arms.

Do I have still have hope after all of this? Depends on when you ask me this. Right now Myles still gives me hope. Will I keep trying? Today I say yes I will keep trying and I won't let it end this way. I will emulate my son's strength and courage. I will persevere. I have 4 snowbabies who are waiting for me and I hope that one will fill my arms and warm my heart after all this heartache. Infertility and preeclampsia have not won! I will not let them beat me!

22 comments:

Rebecca said...

There is nothing I can say that will take even one iota of this pain away...but you know if I could take it away I would.

You are so right...it all SUCKS. It sucks that a woman as amazing and deserving of miracles as you are has them taken from you time after time. I question the justice in life every day.

I know that you are determined to honor Myles and your other angel babies by persevering against IF, loss, and the shit you've been dealt in life. And you know that I will be next to you (if only in spirit) every teeny tiny step of the way. I will be the one holding on to hope when you feel it's lost. I will be the one cheering you on. I will be the one here ready to catch you and hold you up when the shit hits the proverbial fan. And I will be the one cheering through tears of happiness when you finally bring that miracle baby home.

Loving you from "the trenches"...
Becca

Irish Girl said...

Oh Niki, I was hoping for that miracle for you. This is so hard. So unfair. So cruel. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Jen said...

Thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs.

Megs said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Found you through Lost and Found. Lots of hugs and prayers for you.

A Decade of BFNs said...

I am so sorry hun. I found you on LFCA, but also recognize you from SC.com. Many hugs to you and DH. So so sorry.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

There is absolutely nothing I can say to help. i know that. I wish there were. I am thinking of you and wishing this weren't happening to you. You don't deserve this...
Sending prayers your way for some peace to help you get through this loss.

G said...

I am so sorry hun, my heart breaks for you.

CTagsGirl said...

Here from L&F...

I'm so sorry that you have to endure this pain yet again. My heart is aching with you. Sending you all prayers and *hugs.*

Ally said...

All I can offer is my sincerest apology for all you have been through. I am so, so sorry. It does suck and it's not fair. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Elizabeth said...

i'm so sorry you are going through this.

Photogrl said...

Big, big {{HUGS}} to you!

(L&F)

SMK said...

I am so sorry Niki I wish I could make things better and take all your hurt and pain all away. I am here for you if you need to talk.

Rebeccah said...

Here from L&F ...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can only begin to imagine what you've been through. Wishing you strength and peace.

seriously? said...

Here from L&F, I am so sorry for your loss.

Amber said...

Another visitor from LFCA here to wrap my virtual arms around you. I'm so sorry.

Faith said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Came here through L&F. Hoping that in some small way our support helps get you through this day.

Adrian & Tashida said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! (((hugs)))

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been down that road way to many times and it sucks.

noswimmers said...

I am so sorry to hear of your losses. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Rachel said...

It all sucks. It sucks so much. I'm so sorry.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I can't imagine the frustration and pain you're going through right now. I hope and pray that one of those little snowbabies is just sitting there grinning because she knows she will be your baby that you can hold in your arms until she is too big to fit!!!

Trish said...

I'm so sorry. Sometimes I'm just struck by how unbalanced the doling out of pain seems to be sometimes.

Thinking of you..

Trish