Miscarriage #3

First I want to thank all of you who came to give me cyber hugs and lend support. It means a lot to know there are others out there who understand what I'm going through. Many cyber hugs to all of you in the IF trenches and many congrats to those of you who've made it out.

Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. Having to do IVF sucks. Preeclampsia sucks. Losing a child sucks beyond belief. Having to do IVF again sucks. Having a miscarriage after all of the previously listed "sucky" things that have happened to me sucks.

I got my 2nd beta results back and my beta hcg dropped to 7. So, this makes miscarriage #3 for me. Although this wasn't a surprise, it still stung a bit. I wasn't holding out much hope, but had that persistant thought of well maybe just maybe this could be my miracle. Seriously, who was I kidding? Miracles happen to other people not me.

I am saddened by the loss of my dream and I am horrified to think that my body may have caused the death of my embryos. I am starting to really worry that my body is a baby killing machine?! I want to believe that it's not, but I'm having a hard time putting any faith in this body whatsoever.

This loss compounds and amplifies my sadness over Myles' death. If he had been born in May as was planned, I wouldn't be going through this loss right now. I'd be cuddling and loving my sweet little boy. I'd still have 6 frozen snowbabies in the freezer. But, my life never goes according to plans and Myles came early and died far too soon. So, now rather than cuddling and loving my sweet boy I cry and long for him daily! And now I lost another baby. I've been pregnant 4 times and all 4 times I've lost my babies. I have a giant, broken heart along with two empty, aching arms.

Do I have still have hope after all of this? Depends on when you ask me this. Right now Myles still gives me hope. Will I keep trying? Today I say yes I will keep trying and I won't let it end this way. I will emulate my son's strength and courage. I will persevere. I have 4 snowbabies who are waiting for me and I hope that one will fill my arms and warm my heart after all this heartache. Infertility and preeclampsia have not won! I will not let them beat me!