Pregnancy Announcement

Despite the fact that all of my friends, family, and the blogosphere knows that we are expecting twins in February my colleagues did not know. I decided to make my announcment via an email, which was a suggestion made by a former IM, N, who used to blog at Our Buns Were in Someone Else's Oven and now blogs at Crain Family Blog. N did this very thing when she announced her pregnancy to her friends and family (none of whom knew they were even trying to conceive) and used a FAQs section to explain gestational surrogacy and answer some of the common questions related to surrogacy. I remember reading N's posting of the FAQs and immediately told her that I planned to borrow her idea when we got to that point in our journey. I loved the idea of explaining everything up front to avoid the constant, likely repetitious, stream of questions I'd encounter, so last night I used N's idea as a template and this is what I created and sent to my colleagues ...

EMAIL:

Hello MHS Friends,

Welcome back! I hope that all of you had a relaxing summer vacation and are returning to the new year feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. I think we are in for an exciting school year!

Since all of you have been so wonderful and supportive of me, particularly while Myles was in the NICU and after he died, I thought you might be interested in hearing our exciting news--we are expecting TWINS in February!That’s right, two new little [insert last name]'s are on their way. We are currently 13 weeks along.

Hopefully you haven’t set this email aside already as yet another pregnancy announcement because there’s something especially interesting about this one ... I’m NOT pregnant . . . a gestational surrogate is carrying our babies! Gestational surrogacy means that someone else (my cousin) is carrying our biological children (our buns are in someone else’s oven!). Since we know people will have questions, we took a stab at some FAQs (see the attached document). As you know I am very open about my infertility struggles and am more than willing to answer questions, so please feel free to ask any additional questions you may have!

Yours truly,
Niki

ATTACHMENT:

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q. Why is someone else carrying your babies?
A. About 5 years ago, we started trying to conceive. We assumed, like everyone does, that we would get pregnant in a couple of months. No such luck. After years of trying and a couple of miscarriages, we went to see a doctor who said we should do IVF (in vitro fertilization). This is where a doctor extracts eggs from my body, acquires sperm from my husband, mixes them together in a petri dish (think back to your high school biology experiments), then transfers the newly created embryos back to me in the hope that they will implant and grow into a healthy baby (or 2). We did this procedure when we conceived Myles and were fortunate enough to have 6 other embryos to freeze. Last year we did two additional embryo transfers of two embryos each and went through two more miscarriages. Since we had high-quality embryos in each of our IVF cycles, the doctor suspects that an acquired uterine defect (caused by an earlier miscarriage and “overzealous” D&C) might be the problem. Therefore, he suggested “renting a uterus” (i.e., using a surrogate). In the middle of last year, my cousin came to us to offer to be a gestational surrogate. With gestational surrogacy, you create embryos from our eggs and sperm like we had been doing, but you transfer the created embryos to someone else (the gestational surrogate – so she is not biologically related, she is just carrying the babies).

We thought long and hard about this offer and decided that my uterine problems coupled with the high risk of recurrence of preeclampsia were good reasons to pursue surrogacy. So, we decided to transfer our two remaining frozen embryos to my cousin instead of me. We did so in January, and it worked on the first try, but around 9wks she miscarried (a chromosomally normal male). Our doctor was baffled and convinced it was a fluke event, so we did not let this get us down. We embarked on another IVF cycle in June where we created 5 beautiful embryos from my eggs and my husband’s sperm. Two of these embryos were transferred to my cousin’s uterus and a few weeks later, we saw twins on the first ultrasound. It has been absolutely amazing and we are forever grateful to my wonderful cousin!

Q. So are the babies related to both of you or to the surrogate or…?
A. The babies are as much our genetic children as they would have been had we conceived like everyone else . . . they are just being physically carried to term by someone else. Sometimes surrogates contribute their own egg to an embryo, but that is a different type of surrogacy (i.e., traditional surrogacy).

Q. What if she doesn’t want to give you the babies?
A. People hear these stories all the time about surrogates who have used their own eggs and therefore there is a genetic tie (leading these women to sometimes not want to give the baby up). It happens very rarely with gestational surrogacy since there is no genetic link between the surrogate and baby. In our case, the surrogate is a family member who has two of her own children already so there is not even the slightest concern.

Q. Who on earth is willing to be a surrogate like this?
A. We agree, it’s hard to believe. We still can’t believe it. Her name is [insert K's name], she is 30, married, has two adorable boys (ages 7 and 4) and is a surgical technologist at a local hospital. She is doing this purely out of compassion as a loving friend and family member who wants to help us have a living child(ren). Her husband has been incredibly supportive throughout also. He watches the kids when she has to go to appointments, and has helped so much in the process.

Q. Are you paying your surrogate?
A. No, we are not paying our surrogate to carry our babies. She is doing what is called a “compassionate surrogacy” and doesn’t receive any compensation. However, we do pay for her meds, medical co-pays, etc. She won’t accrue any costs associated with the pregnancy. There are many surrogates who are compensated for their services, but most of them agree that the biggest reward is helping to make a couple’s dreams come true.

Q. Did you plan for twins?
A. We transferred two embryos to "K" because we would be happy with one or two children, but didn’t want to risk triplets or more. It’s always possible that an embryo splits into identical twins, though, so technically it’s possible that you can transfer 2 embryos, have both split, and end up with quads. The probability is 1 in 16 million. You can’t plan for exactly how many make it – whether it be 0 or 4 (or more – which would be exceedingly rare from 2 embryos). We were, however, hoping for twins since we wanted to have two living children and will probably not have this opportunity again.

Q. I bet you’ll still get pregnant eventually.
A. This is extremely doubtful. We are perfectly content with three kids (two living and Myles). Therefore, we will not be trying anymore! Trying to get pregnant is a costly, highly emotional scientific endeavor for us, which we won’t be doing again. It’s always possible (anything is), but that doesn’t matter to us anymore. After these babies are born our family will be complete and we will forever be grateful for the gifts we’ve been given.

Q. Why didn’t you just adopt?
A. Adoption is a very complex process in and of itself. While a lot of people think there are tons of babies sitting around just waiting for good homes, it is simply not true. It’s a long, difficult process. We wanted to try having a biological child through surrogacy before moving on to another stage. If this didn’t work, we would have moved on to adoption next. Furthermore, we already knew that we created embryos that result in perfect babies (i.e., Myles), so it seemed like the next natural step for us.

Q. How do you feel about not being pregnant?
A. Surprisingly absolutely and completely fine! I feel relieved not to have to worry about my body failing another baby. I know that the babies are safe and sound in a proven uterus and feel so very fortunate to have two little ones on the way! Plus, I did get to experience pregnancy with Myles and am forever grateful for those beautiful memories. My pregnancy experience will be the special experience that I will only share with one of my children, my sweet Myles.

Q. How does your husband feel about all this?
A. He is thrilled and actually quite relieved that he doesn’t have to worry about me and my safety. It was a scary situation for "J" to watch me so close to death in the hospital in my previous pregnancy and he really didn’t care to go through that again.

Q. So what are the genders?! What do you hope for?
A. We don’t know yet, but will find out in October. We are hoping for two healthy, living babies and honestly don’t really care so much about the specific genders. We’ll be thrilled with two boys, two girls, or one of each.