Monday, August 31, 2009

Disabling Anonymous Commenting

I just turned off the anonymous comment option because I do not need my feelings hurt by rude, unhappy people. As I sit here in tears I realize that these people are stealing my positive energy and I refuse to let them continue to do this. I apologize to those of you who want to comment anonymously in a positive way. I wish things were different.

This is the recent Anonymous comment that I received on my post entitled Pregnancy Announcment:

"I find it insulting that you imply that your surrogate is "just carrying your babies." She is nourishing them, her blood is flowing to them and is helping create the people they will be. It's not simply a "rent-a-womb" thing. You should be more compassionate about it. Just cause you used your eggs doesn't mean she doesn't contribute to your children's makeup. In fact, I would argue that she is contributing MORE than you since you "just provided the DNA" and she provide the rest of the elements to sustain these lives. Don't kind yourself that just cause these children have your DNA that your surrogate isn't contributing anything else but a rental space for 10 months. It's an insult to your surrogate and to women who use donor egg to conceive. Shame on you."-- Kathy W.

I do not understand where this comment is coming from and the only thing I can figure is that this person ("Kathy W") has issues of her own. My first reaction was to say some horrible expletives, but after a lot of deep breathing I opted to handle it in a more constructive, educational manner.

To tell me that K is contributing more to my babies than I am was only meant to hurt my feelings. I am fully aware that although J and I made these babies that K gave them life. I know that K is nourishing and lovingly growing them. K is doing all of those things for us because I can not do it myself and for that we are forever grateful. I would give anything to be doing for my babies what K is doing for them, but I can't and that makes me sad. I struggle with this often and for someone to shove it in my face is just plain mean and hurtful, which was clearly "Kathy M's" intention with her comment.

I do NOT think that K is simply a "rental space" nor would I ever intend to insult surrogates or women who use donor eggs to conceive. This is MY blog and I was writing about MY experience. My experience: my eggs + J's sperm = our biological embryos placed into K's uterus. I was explaining to my co-worker family about the process of gestational surrogacy and was trying to differentiate between traditional surrogacy (where the surrogate's eggs are used). Unfortunately (well actually fortunately for them) my co-workers don't live in my world of infertility, so they don't necessarily understand the specific details, which is why I was trying to explain it in very basic terms, and incidentally said K "is not biologically related, she is just carrying the babies." I didn't mean this to say that she is just carrying them (like it isn't important), but rather was explaining that they are genetically related to us and not K.

I did NOT nor would I ever insult women who become mothers via donor egg, adoption, or any other means. I do NOT think that biology makes a parent. My mother is adopted and her mother is not the woman who's genetically related to her and gave birth to her, but my grandmother was her mother. I have friends who have a child via donor embryo and although they are not genetically related to their son they are most certainly his parents. In my opinion being a parent isn't about biology/genetics or birthing it's about so much more than that. It's about love--the kind of love that only a parent understands.

I do NOT think that surrogates are simply "rented wombs". I think surrogates are amazing angels on Earth who make people's dreams come true! I am continually in awe of surrogates and will spend the rest of my life being eternally grateful for the one beautiful woman who's bringing our miracles into this world! K you know we love you!

52 comments:

GeekByMarriage said...

I'm sorry but you have got to be FUCKING KIDDING me "Kathy W."! Apparently you are new here and have not read one damn post that came before. Nik is forever singing the praises of K and shouts to the world what a gift K is giving them. For you to tear down a few sentences meant to explain the situation in the simplest way for the benefit of those not "in the know" with things fertility related is an outrage. It is obvious to everyone but YOU how loved and appreciated K is!

Take your vile hate filled self away from here. It will not be tolerated. You make me sick!

Seraphim said...

I don't comment often, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry. Sorry people can be so venemous. Sorry that you have already had your heart broken. And I think you are absolutely doing the right thing.
You are a beautiful, loving mother. xxxx

Baby Starr said...

I almost never comment on blogs, I found your while on a birth board on babycenter and am so thirlled for you and your family! Do not let one ignorant fool rain on your parade. I don't know you personally and yet through reading your blog it's obvious how kind, caring and appreciative you are. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone who is truly READING what you write...and that is all I have to say about that! ;-)

Funsize said...

I hate trolls. I'm sorry you had to deal with them. But you certainly never have to answer to them, they don't deserve the time you give to respond to them.

Gabby said...

i am so so sorry that happened to you. we readers of your blog love you and know exactly what you mean and feel!

i thought your FAQ was awesome!

Rhonda and Gerry W said...

I know the hurt of Anonymous comments, especially when you are experiencing the most wonderful time in your life. Its hard not to take any of it personally, I know this all too well.

Keep you chin up and don't let ANYONE take one minute of your joy away from you, your surrogate and hubby.

Lisa said...

I hate rude people like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that troll. I nominated you for the Honest Scrap award please visit my blog for the details. HUGS!

Ashley & Chris said...

I admire your strength and I am so sorry someone hurt your feelings with those awful words. She obviously has NO clue what she is talking about. We all know how forever grateful you are for K and I hope I can find someone like her if it comes to that decision in the future.
Lots of love to you Niki,
Ashley

G & H said...

You go girl! I am so sick of random people who don't even know someone forming there opinions and saying things they know nothign about..taking certain words and twisting them...I totally had this happen today not in blog but FAMILY so I can feel ya especially today!

Your right though don't let any body steal your joy! You have 2 beautiful babies on the way and what greater joy than that!!!!

Jacinta said...

Niki, I'm so sorry. I don't think this is someone who would read your blog regularly. Your gratitude and appreciation of K is very clear and hardly a transient thing.
Well done for dealing with other peoples ranting in such a constructive way.

LK said...

Niki, are you able to see IP addresses? Does blogspot have such an option? If so, I'm willing to bet my left butt cheek that all of these idiotic anonymous posts have been left by the same self-loathing sociopath. Nobody who's read your blog more than once thinks you lack "compassion" for what K is doing - hell, the way you talk about her, you make me wish she was MY cousin, too! ;)

I've seen these kinds of posts on other babyloss blogs, actually taunting women deep in the throes of fresh grief. Clearly the person/people who say such things are antisocial losers who can't get attention from anyone in real life, so they act out on the internet so that strangers will pay attention to them, even negative attention. Pretty sad, isn't it? I hate that you've shed even one tear over him/her/it. And I hate to be contributing to their sick need by acknowledging them at all, but I wanted to help you understand that this isn't about you - this is about their own twisted, sick minds, and I'll bet my other buttcheek you're not the only blog person they're harrassing right now. Their posts say NOTHING about who you really are, and everything about who he/she/it really is. And in what surely must be a reflection of his/her/it's real life, nobody here likes them, and nobody here thinks their words are of ANY value. YOU'RE the one we value and are cheering for. So try to put it out of your mind, okay?

Ivy said...

I have been following the blog for a while...probably right before you guys got your positive pregnancy test:) I have never ever felt that you were ungrateful in any way...or that you were just "renting a womb." Keep your head up...what you have going on is truly a miracle and it's so inspiring to read the blog and watch your babies grow and thrive.

stacie said...

What an idiot. I don't know you at all... stumbled upon your blog somehow and have been following it for months. Never ever would it have crossed my mind that you didn't have the ULTIMATE respect for the position that your wonderful cousin is in and the powerful prescence she has in your life and the lives of your babies. Shame on this Kathy W. person... She has either clearly not read any of your previous posts or she's gotta be a troll trying to cause you pain. Either way, she is pathetic and does not deserve another second of your time.

Annie said...

I too have been following your blog for awhile. I want so badly for you and J to get your happy ending. As someone who does not know you I think it is plain to see how much respect and love you have for K. Keep your spirits high and ignore the insults of stupid people. You are in my prayers.

sprogblogger said...

Sorry you had to deal with someone like that. People who can't behave themselves on other peoples' spaces should just go away. Yeah, Kathy W., I'm talkin' to you.

I think your relationship with K is one of the most beautiful things I've seen in this crappy IF world. Don't let the idiotic comments of one woman bum you out. Your affection for and appreciation of K shines through every word you write. Take care.

Caba said...

I don't get it honestly. I was a surrogate, and I wasn't the least bit offended by your post. I didn't feel like in anyway at all you were saying that about K. I definitely think that commenter has their own set of issues they are dealing with, and took it out on you, completely unfairly!

I told EVERYONE over and over again that the babies I carried were NOT biologically mine, they were my sister and her husbands, and I was just providing a home for 9 months. Sure, I helped to sustain them ... but I thought of MYSELF as a womb for rent (without them paying rent, of course!)

I don't know. I just can't believe that people would come on to someone's personal blog and just go out of their way to make them feel bad. That's just so sad to me.

Truck Driver Wife said...

Hold your head up. K knows you love her especially if she reads your blog.

N said...

I'm so sorry you got such a mean-hearted comment. Quite obviously, the commenter hasn't read anything else about your history, or about your relationship with K, or any of your comments about her and what she's doing for you. Or if she has, then they have gone straight over her head. Shame on her. I think it's quite obvious that you know just how much K is doing for you guys, and how much you care for her. Please know that for every one of that woman, there are 50 of the rest of us.

Infertile In the City said...

What a cruel bitch, sounds like Kathy W was even an infertile? WTF? Why attack you? Sounds like she has her own issues, and really needs to look deep inside herself and APPOLOGIZE for being such a fucking bitch.

We all know that you love and appreciate what K is doing for you, growing your children, but as a woman who is also pursuing surrogacy it is the ultimate insult to insinuate that we as IMs are not contributing anything because we can not carry a child.

Big hugs, ignore the psychos.

Natalia Ritchie said...

Wow, looks like someone should keep her comments to herself. Seriously, what did that achieve Kath W, besides making youself look like a bitter and angry human being. You got it all wrong, shame on you!

Karma & Adam said...

People are hard to understand sometimes. I'm sorry Kathy W decided to post her frustration and anger in such an uninformed and mean-spirited way. Who knows what her story is, or why she felt so compelled to post that, but all you can do is choose not to let it get to you. You have a lot of support here, and it's very clear the love, admiration and gratitude you have for K.
I have had anonymous posts that have been less than pleasant, but I just leave them and let the other people who read/post to my blog "handle" those anon posters. They generally tell them right off on my behalf : )

MommynMomma said...

Being a Gestational Surrogate myself, I have NEVER found your blog to be insulting in any way shape or form. I think that K is an amazing woman for helping you and your family, but you are fully aware of it. There has never been a post from you stating otherwise. Keep up the great work MOMMY! You are an amazing woman yourself for all that you have been through.
-C

Cindy Nguyen said...

It seems like people have nothing else better to do and look really hard to find something to get their panties in a bunch.

There is no way on earth that anyone could possibly think that you are in any way way ungrateful for your surrogate. Absurd.

Meg. said...

Sweet Niki! As I was reading this Anonymous DRIBBLE, I felt my stomach turn. I found my own eyes welling with tears. How DARE this person!

We all completely understand that the FAQs you sent to your co-workers were meant to give basic, scientific facts. The special relationship you share with K is private to you and J....it's not meant to shared over work email.

Ugh! I'm just so sorry that this person made you feel so awful. =( All of your faithful readers love you and K so much! Try to use our reassuring comments to wash away all memory of this ignoramus. *hugs*

Nine said...

I'm so sorry someone has the nerve to be so rude on YOUR blog! I will never understand why people think they can act like that when they willingly visit other's personal blogs.

Please don't let it upset you! There's no doubt how special your relationship is with K.

Just Another Day In Paradise said...

As long as YOU know, and K knows what you really think, to heck with cowards who find the need to bring others down through anonymous messages. Please dont let her bring you down, you are supposed to be on cloud 9, and I hope you are able to keep that positive, happy spirit!

goldenjag25 said...

Hi Niki, just figured out how to post here. I am in shock that someone would be so vicious as to post that on your blog. You continue to inspire myself and others and I hope that you never get comments like that again. You are amazing!!

KT said...

I don't think I have ever commented on your blog, but I have been reading for several months. I think that anyone who "knows" you through the computer would never say the things that she said. You clearly value K very much! You should never have to justify that! All anyone has to do is read some of your previous posts to see how you feel about the amazing gift she is giving you.

kim said...

Hi Niki, I found your blog a while back and went back to the beginning and read every post. People who truly read your blog know the type of person you are. Don't for a second let this troll get you down. This seems like a person who was looking for something to be rude about. Probably jealous, probably uneducated to boot. (10 months? I believe she said.) Anyway, your real readers are behind you. Hugs.

Brooke said...

I almost never leave comments, but I had to here. I second all the other commenters who've said that obviously Kathy W has never read a single post before that one. Anyone who reads here knows how thankful you are for K, and the fact that she's carrying your babies. And that NOT ONCE have you taken that gift for granted. Shame on you, Kathy W., SHAME ON YOU!

Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry :( Anyone who's read this blog for 2 seconds knows that you go out of your way to exclaim about the wonderful and incredible gift K is giving you. Never once have you suggested that you are taking that for granted!!!

StaceyG said...

I rarely leave comments, but I have been following your blog for a couple of months. Your pregnancy announcement was great. I hope someday to send a very similar announcement out to friends via email. Please don't let the anonymous comment bother you. The lady clearly has not read any of your posts. It is very clear how you feel about K and what K is doing for you.

Kay said...

I have been around since before you got pregant with Myles, way back in the FF days!! And anyone who knows what you have gone through OR taken the time to read your posts concerning K would know better, this person is just a troll who needs her A$$ kicked, and I will be glad to do the job!

((HUGS))

Angie Nielsen said...

I'm so sorry! Kathy W sounds like a sad and angry person. I post anonymously all the time, and anyone who reads your blog knows your (and K's) heart. I only wish I had a relationship like yours with someone. Hang in there!

SMK said...

Niki!

Simply put... FUCK OFF Kathy W we don't want you around here anymore! Take your negative comments and shove them. How dare you say anything to this amazing woman. Niki deserves NOTHING but our love and support and if you can't give it you are not welcome round here!

meinsideout said...

God, Niki, what the hell is wrong with people??? I am so sorry that you have to deal with vile, insensitive, insecure and mean people. They obviously have issues and how unfair of them to unload their bullshit on you.

You are amazing and wonderful and loving and anyone who knows you and reads your blog knows that and knows that you love K and have never taken her for granted.

Shame on all of those nasty, evil, mean people.

Tom and Margit said...

Well, everyone said enough for me.
My parting words, Fuck her :)

Enough said...You are one of the kindest, sweetest, more caring people I know!

Margit

Our Life in Pixels said...

Unfortunately there are people out there who's ultimate goal in life is to make people miserable. You are bigger than this and please don't let one person get you down. This person has issues and is taking it out on you. She took a few words and blew them way out of proportion. Brush the dirt off your shoulders and focus on the future and not this loser!

Heather said...

It's amazing how she isn't woman enough to speak up now that she's been called out!!!!! Kathy W..HOW DARE YOU! This is your blog & you can do or say whatever you want and how you want to say it. We love you Niki!!

Jen said...

Niki,
you did not have to say any of the things that you did in this blog post, anyone who reads your blog would know better than to say what she said. What Kathy W said is what should be shamed.

I am so sorry. You have been through too much already and don't deserve for someone to say those things. All my love to you, J & K

Kelly said...

Well said Niki!! You don't have to explain to us though since we know deep now how you really feel. (((Niki)))

Barb said...

I have enjoyed reading your blog and I in no way understand where "Kathy W" came up with her response. She sucks! I also suffered from preclampsia and my daughter was born at 26 weeks. I have a brother/sister-in-law just starting infetro (I don't know know how to spell that properly) and I find all this stuff extremely interesting (Medicine truly amazes me). I think everyone involved is very important and contributes in their own way. I loved the baby announcement, I thought that was the coolest idea I had ever seen. Please keep sharing with us, I personally check everyday to see how everything is going:) Don't let narrow minded people get you down...

Lost in Space said...

Wow, Niki. It is so amazing to me at how people think they can swoop in, read one line in your blog and completely turn things upside down and become volatile. I'm sorry Kathy W tried to push her own screwed up issues on you. If she had taken the time to read any posts you have written about K and your journey, she would know what a beautiful relationship the 2 of you have.

Good for you for taking charge and kicking anonymous creeps like this to the curb. You have much more important things to focus on. Word on the street is that you are getting things ready for 2 babies!! (-;

Hugs hun.

LK said...

Let's see a happy post now about some fun baby gear you've bought recently, or plans you've made, so we can leave these "anonymous" assholes behind and get back to enjoying your pregnancy with you. :)

Hinkle said...

Hi Niki,

I have never posted before, but have been following since right before your first try with surrogacy. I am appalled that someone would write something so horrible. What a hateful, awful person.

I find your story very inspirational and brave. Thank you so much for sharing it.

travelaunt7 said...

People need to keep their negative comments to themselves. Those of us who know you personally and even those who truly read your blog know that you appreciate all that K is doing for you and J. You have suffered enough. You deserve these two babies and to be happy.
Linda

strongblonde said...

just found your blog through meinsideout. i'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. i'm always so surprised by people's ignorance...and the people who feel that they can just say whatever they want and get away with it. sometimes it's nice to try to think about other people's feelings....arg!!

congrats, btw!! :)

sara said...

I haven't commented often, but I read along often on your blog. As others have said...I am so sorry that you have to encounter horrible people such as this "Kathy W." You are a beautiful mother and K is an angel as you said. Your family and all involved are participating in a beautiful miracle that I am honored to be able to read about. You inspire me to do our own gestational surrogacy cycle coming up and you sharing your story has meant more to me than you will ever know.

Cali said...

I've never commented before on your blog, but have followed from the Pre-eclampsia message boards and have been silently cheering you on. I have been in awe of your courage, strength and gratitude for K throughout your journey. I hope you are starting to realize how many people are supporting you and wishing you all the best! You deserve it!

Jaymee said...

soooo, sorry that i am late to reading this. i am really getting sick of coming to people's blogs and finding these horrid comments. so sorry that you had to deal with insensitive comments from ignorant people who have nothing better to do with their time. all that matters is that you, j, and k are creating a family in a beautiful and loving way.

HUGS

nicolehaddad said...

Don't let her get you down...Anyone who has read your blog knows how much K means to you.

leikay2 said...

WOW... People can be jsut so freaking ugly.. Don't let her or anyone else get you down.. I am sure that K knows you love her and thrilled with what she is doing for you. Chin up mommy!!