Monday, August 3, 2009

What happened to my zen state?

Okay, so I was doing great using the baby gear research (thanks for all the great advice, btw!) in an attempt to refocus my energy from all the bad possibilities of pregnancy, but today for some unknown reason I'm a freakin' wreck worrying about the babies. I have no tangible reason (beyond my history) to be freaking out. K has a phenomenal uterus, is NOT having a spot of blood of any shade of the rainbow and is having tons of pregnancy symptoms including m/s and constant hunger. However, this does little to reassure me. I've been thinking of all the bad scenarios that could befall us: incompetant cervix, pre-term labor, PROM, and last but not least preeclampsia (my personal favorite). I started to let these thoughts creep in last night when I began to wonder if K should be seeing a peri in addition to the ob. It's not that I don't trust our ob--he was the doc who sent me to see a peri in my pregnancy. I'm just a worrier. I have been wondering if K should have cervical length measurements starting at 16wks (plan to discuss this with our ob at the next appointment). I've been worrying about the possibility of preemies in the NICU. I've been wondering and worrying about so much ...

The kicker of the worrying is that today I've convinced myself that one of the babies has died and that we'll discover it in two weeks when we go for the NT scan. The strange thing about it is that I don't worry that both have died (although that could be the case), but rather assume that we've lost one. I usually picture the one we lost as Baby B. I've spent the past hour asking Dr. Goog.le what the chances are of having a vanishing twin after seeing good growth and strong h/b. F*cked up, right?! I know I was told that the risk of losing the babies was less than 5% after seeing h/b and good growth, but I also don't put a lot of stock in statistics, particularly because of been on the wrong end of them too many times.

I've been analyzing my neurotic behavior and have concluded the following factors to be responsible ... First and most obvious is my history of loss. I'm like a magnet for death when it comes to pregnancy and babies--5 miscarriages and one dead baby. Why wouldn't I be worried about yet another loss?! Second, it's been about two weeks since we've had direct confirmation that the babies are alive and well. Last week K went in for an appointment with the maternity nurse counselor, but because she was only 9wks they didn't use the fetal doppler to listen to the babies hearts. Third, I just assume that us expecting two babies is just too good to be true. It doesn't seem that good things happen to us. Finally, I talked to a woman today who is interested in buying my Chic.co Cortina travel system, which I would replace with a better system for twins, and this makes me think that I am jinxing the pregnancy (totally illogical I know). I am hoping that I wake up tomorrow and feel less anxious, but something tells me I won't.

Please stop by Lisa's blog to congratulate her on her great news--she's also expecting twins! :) You know I'm over the moon excited for you girl! Congrats!

17 comments:

Meg. said...

Oh, Niki. I wish I could take away your fear and worry.

I know that no matter how many well-intentioned bloggers and IRL friends/family tell you NOT to worry....it won't change the way you're feeling.

If you'd like, you have permission to pass on your worry to the blogosphere. Let us carry the burden for you, while you rest your tired heart.

But, in all honesty, I *truly* believe that your babies are healthy and growing, and that they will be *born* healthy! You're a science girl, like I am. Use this part of yourself to add up the evidence: All signs point toward a pregnant K! The odds are in your favor! (I know, easier to hear than to believe)

Kelly said...

It may not make you completely at ease, but I do think these babies are doing well at the moment! Be strong for them and take each day as it comes. It sounds like things are going great!!

Jacinta said...

Niki, I'm not surprised you feel the way you feel after everything that you've been through. Remember the twins are safely tucked away in the penthouse!
I hope you can balance the stress with some more Zen. When does research commence on raising newborn twins? They say it is a whole lotta fun!

M said...

i was actually just talking about that phenomenon with my therapist. i plan for all outcomes, but it seems like there are some many bad outcomes in comparison to the one good one. i think that anyone who has lived through so many of the negative outcomes comes to the point where it is hard to see anything else happening. (because it never has.)

i also found that my worry was directly related to the proximity of doctor appts. right after i was fine, then worry would creep in, rising until the days before i was a wreck thinking about what i would hear at the next appt. you've said before you have a great relationship with your ob. it isn't unheard of to have weekly u/s. i know that imposes a lot on K who has to make there, but it might be worth it for your sanity...

sprogblogger said...

Right. There. With you.

I've now moved to the point where I'm freaked out about how freaked out I am.

I don't know that there's anything we can do - barring daily U/S appointments - to get over the worry, the fear, the terror.

My husband refers to it as my miscarriage PTSD, and that's pretty much what it feels like. I know I'm doing it, but I'm completely helpless to stop.

Hang in there, sweetie. There's every reason in the world to believe that everything's fine. And we're all with you, when you're convinced that everything is not. Thinking of you.

I wish I could just sleep until about 18weeks when I could feel them moving every day for reassurance...

meinsideout said...

I hear you. I just spent all morning googling slow and borderline fetal heart rates. I know that mine are fine and are in the mix as far as "normal" is concerned but I am still worried. Really worried.

Do whatever you need to do to get through this - I am going to try to do the same.

I asked for another u/s for Monday the 10th - and they said yes thank god - so I am hoping to see two robust heartbeats.

Thanks for the shout out - we will get through this, somehow, some way.

And by the way, your babies look amazing!!! Odds are definitely in your favor, but I know the pain of being on the wrong side of the stats time after time. ((HUGS))

Heather said...

I can't imagine, after everything you've been through, reacting any other way.

I'm thinking of you, K, and those two babies.

Bluebird said...

It sucks. But I think it makes perfect sense. In fact, your "zen" post had me scratching my head more than this one does! Unfortunately, you've seen the dark side of pregnancy way too many times.

I can repeat to you what Dr. Google said :), which is that the chance of vanishing twin is almost 0 now. But I know you'll still worry!

If it brings any peace, just remember how many people are thinking of and praying for you both.

Infertile In the City said...

totally legit. Perhaps the purchase of at home doppler in the next few weeks (I have no idea when you can start using such a thing) will help?

LK said...

Hi, Niki. I am so happy for you that you are expecting twins. :) Have you thought about renting a digital doppler from someplace like heartbeatsathome.com? I did during my pregnancy with my twins and it was a real lifesaver. I'm on the heavy side, so sometimes it was harder to find those little hearts, but K looks to be on the thinner side and you should be able to find them fairly easily at starting around 12 weeks or so. I wonder if that would help you relax a little more during this pregnancy. I know I would have been an absolute nervous wreck without mine! Sorry if you talked about it before and I missed it. I know even 3 weeks from now probably seems like an eternity, but maybe knowing you could check them like that yourself very soon would give you something to look forward to. :) Anonykat from SC

Kay said...

I say ask your OB if you can have a quick peek? Didn't he tell you if you needed one, he would be glad to help. I think with all you have been through it is understandable! Love ya

Sheri-ct said...

Yes, K should at least have a consult with a peri. Regardless of what any OB will tell you, twins are high risk! Not trying to scare you, just prepare you. The chances of K having an issue are lower b/c she already had 2 successful pregnancies, but it's best to be prepared. Your chance of a vanishing twin is really low at this point. I remember being so stressed about that, but my RE and OB said that the likelihood drastically drops after seeing 2 healthy heartbeats/embies at 8+ weeks. I freaked about losing one until the day I delivered. I think the years of infertility make it too hard to just relax and think things will be fine. You are almost 25% done! That's exciting!

PS- back on the topic of gear- I also LOVE my Fisher Price booster seats. I thought about you yesterday when I was loading them in the car. They are great to travel with and we use them now instead of high chairs. They ROCK!
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3553506

N said...

ok, do yourself a favor RIGHT NOW and order a home doppler (rent it by month). You will never have to worry! We could pick up each heartbeat starting at 10 weeks and any time I freaked out our surro could just listen and make sure they were there. It will help you SO MUCH! We used heartbeats at home.

suz said...

I think K's previous pregnancy history is a very good sign for you guys. But even in an otherwise totally normal twin pregnancy it probably doesn't hurt to see a peri. My friend just had twins and did see a peri even though she had two prior full term normal pregnancies. My friend's twins came at exactly 36 weeks and while one twin stayed in the NICU for a day they both came home with mom and are doing great. Once you've had a loss it's really hard to completely let go and not worry or stress, I always just focused on the next milestone, it made it more manageable.

Allison said...

Niki - I haven't read your blog in a few months and was so happy and thrilled for you when I read you are expecting now. How wonderful, I'm so happy for you and K!!!

carley said...

I agree with the person who said K's previous pg history is a great sign. I'm not sure if your OB will find it necessary to check her cervix at 16w on, but I know my friend who was pg with twins started getting more u/s around the 21w more and they checked at each of those.

I have an incompetent cervix and my OB has been checking since 12w, every 2w. They also checked at my 18w u/s and I have another one today (21w) and then one every 2w following. I'm pretty sure for Twins it's standard to check once K is around 18-21w.

I'd say try not to worry so much, but I'm pg again, lost my baby last fall to IC, am at 21w and am constant worry daily that my cervix is dilating or I'm funneling. I do my best to keep busy and thinking of holding my little girl and other great stuff when she's born. I never think "if", always "when".

Gabby said...

it's so hard not to worry.. it's just our nature.. i totlaly get it. i talked to a wise frined of mine, who has two kids after infertility, and she told me it actually never ever stops.. you worry that your kids are going to get sick, get hurt, have a car crash, you name it. you are a mother! therefore you worry about your kids.

you are normal. hang in there, huh!