Sunday, August 23, 2009

Emotional dilemma

I'm having an emotional dilemma of sorts and I haven't said anything about it because I don't want to seem ungrateful. I am the furthest thing from that, yet I worry that by voicing my inner thoughts I may come across as whiney and/or ungrateful. I know how difficult it is to struggle with infertility and to watch friends go through a pregnancy. Therefore, I presume it isn't easy for those of you still in the IF trenches to visit my blog and read my posts about pregnancy symptoms, u/s appointments, and baby gear. I apologize if my blog posts have worsened your pain and sadness. This is not my intention. I wish more than anything that every single one of you amazing women in the IF blogosphere would have your dreams come true. You all most certainly deserve for your nightmare roller coaster ride to end.

With that said I'll share what's been going on in my head. As you may have guessed I'm feeling very excited about the prospect of having two babies next year (okay and quite nervous too), yet this excitement is being overshadowed by guilt. I've been feeling incredibly guilty for being excited and hopeful about this pregnancy and for wanting these babies. I feel like it somehow takes away from Myles. Like loving and wanting the twins means that I am loving Myles less. Of course I logically know that is not the case and that mommies can love more than one child. However, I still feel bad and I shed a lot of tears over this. I know that I love Myles just as much today as I did the day he was born, the day he died, and 20 years from now. But, I don't know if everyone else knows that. I worry that with us expecting these babies people will forget about Myles. Or worse I worry that other people think these babies are a replacement for Myles. I worry that when the babies arrive no one will ever mention Myles again and that makes me really sad.

Another thing that is contributing to my current emotional dilemma is that every step in this pregnancy takes me back to my pregnancy with Myles. I remember seeing our sweet little peanut on u/s for the first time and remember watching him grow. I remember his precious profile at the NT scan and I remember feeling such relief to be entering the 2nd trimester (obviously I couldn't anticipate the problems that this trimester would bring me). I miss my special days with sweet Myles. I wish that he was here with us to excitedly, hopefully, and anxiously await the arrival of his brother(s)/sister(s).

18 comments:

Lisa (Jasper's Mommy) said...

You are so amazing to think of us with IF. I just started reading your blog today and I wanted to say what an inspiration your blog is. Your cousin is such an amazing person to be your surrogate. My sister has volunterred to be ours if we should ever need her.

KP said...

Everything that you describe feeling seems like a totally normal and expected part of this journey. These two babies WILL take the place of some of your thoughts about Myles, but they will never replace him. And you can keep myles' spirit and story alive by talking to the babies about him, and telling them how without him, they would not be here, and their journey would not have been as special and amzing. (and it IS pretty amazing!)

Tom and Margit said...

Your feelings are totally normal.
You are so wonderful at honoring Myles and keeping his smiles and love alive that his siblings will grow up knowing what a special brother they have watching over them.
Myles is lucky to have you and J and so are his soon to be siblings!

HUGS!

Margit

Infertile In the City said...

oh I totally understand, and I have never had the lost that you have had, but, i have read of others who have had that kind of losts suffering and feeling similiar to you, so again, don't be hard on yourself!

meinsideout said...

Oh sweetie - you are such an amazing, caring and loving person. I have not been where you have been so I cannot pretend to have any real answers.

You are an amazing mother - to Myles - and to these babies. You are building your family - of which Myles was the first, never to be replaced, never to be forgotten. I am sure Myles - as their big brother - would want you to dote on them, to love them, to cherish them and to give them all the love that you can.

I cannot imagine the emotions that you have and will have - all of which seem normal to me after what you have been through. Please know that there are so many of us that support you and, even if we do not fully understand because we have not walked in your shoes, we are here for you - to support you through every step.

Brenna said...

I understand completely. It's approaching one year since our sons were born prematurely--we lost them last year on Sept. 25. I miss them terribly, and like you I still cry for them and feel their absence keenly. But as we enter our 17th week of this new pregnancy I find myself thinking ahead with excitement and optimism, and then feeling guilty that I'm not spending as much mental time on Adam, Joey and Paul. What I like to think is that Myles (and A, J & P) want us to have happy, healthy lives and to raise their siblings in the loving homes we would have given them. Your twins will know that Myles is watching out for them always, and my future son or daughter will know that he or she has three gaurdian angels. ((Hugs)) ~Brenna

Donna said...

I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. My cirrent pregnancy has been very hard for so many reasons beyond just worry about something going wrong. Every step of the way reminded me of my pregnancy with Ellie or it reminded me of what should have been happened with Ellie or it made me think about what this second pregnancy should have been like with an 18mo at home... I miss her more now than I ever have. It's been very hard to allow myself to get excited about the new baby, but I think I'm finally there. Your feelings about the twins will in no way overshadow what you feel for Myles.

N said...

I feel like it somehow takes away from Myles.

Never, ever. But I know how, with loss, it's so easy to feel that way, and to worry about those things. My youngest cousins were quite young (1 and 3) when we had a large bout of deaths in the family, and I remember my aunt, their mom, saying to me, that we had to always talk, always tell, so that they would know. And that's the key. Just let them - the babies, and everybody - know. You won't forget, and they will help you remember. ♥

Erica said...

I'm confident that you'll keep Myles' spirit alive within you and your family. Sending you a giant HUG as I have no other words.

Heather said...

I feel the same way. The part about no one mentioning Myles again rings so true to me- I hate that people are treating this like my first baby. I haven't figured out how to deal with the conflicting emotions. Thinking of you.

Jen said...

Oh Niki, I have so much to say, but can't write it all...I know that for myself, I was completely surprised by how much my grief for Abby has been brought back up by the birth of Alison. I feel like I am going through her loss all over again. Hugs.

Meg. said...

Oh, Niki. Your heart is so, so big.

First, let me just say that I *sincerely* enjoy reading about K's pregnancy updates. For me, stories like yours provide such inspiration. And even if I wasn't bound to the world of surrogacy, I would *still* enjoy reading your updates, because, you know what? YOU DESERVE THESE BABIES. Your readers know that you don't take your children for granted for even one second.

Second, I completely understand your emotional dilemma concerning how others (and yourself) perceive your elation over the twins in respect to your loss of Myles. Ever since I lost Tommy (bear with me here), I've thought about how difficult it's going to be to get another cat. I feel like I'm betraying him every time I think of a new kitten. I feel like my friends and family will think that I didn't love Tommy if I get another kitten too soon.

Now, I'm not saying that losing a pet even comes close to the devastation of losing a real human child, but I can only imagine that the feelings I'm conflicted with are magnified by 1000 in your case.

I, for one, will never forget Myles. How could anyone forget your precious, angel boy? Just because you're moving forward and adding to your family doesn't mean Myles will lose his place and status in your heart. He will always be your first born son. *hugs*

Kris said...

I don't think that anyone who ever met or heard of Myles could ever forget your precious baby boy. He is in the hearts of so many and so are you. ((HUGS))

Kay said...

I don't think anyone who knows you would ever think you are "replacing" Myles. You are not, it is no different than those who have a second child after a perfect pregnancy and delivery. And trust me when I say, those of us whose hearts have been touched by Myles will never forget him!
((hugs))

Kelly said...

People will always remember Myles. His name might not be brought up as much so as not to sadden you. But there will be times when you need to speak about him and honor him. These babies will never take that away. And they are certainly not a replacement. Just a much welcomed addition! (((Niki)))

Lost in Space said...

Niki, you have such an incredibly big heart that there is no doubt it has tripled in size to be able to love all your babies at the same time.

You are such an inspiration!!

I don't think anyone who has met or heard you talk about Myles can ever forget him. Maybe in the excitement some may not mention him as often and I wish I had any control over the world to change this. Keep talking about him and mentioning his name to let others know that he is still (and will always be) at the front of your mind.

He could never be replaced, Niki. Always remembering your sweet boy too.

SMK said...

Niki,

I am going to open my heart to you because I feel like you do the same for all of us. I try to look at your blog daily but I can't see it on my iphone so I have to log on to my PC to read it. Knowing that you are one of the lucky ones who gets to have a baby at the end of all this hell hurts but at the same time I love it. I am so happy to know you and you are lucky to have the little miracles. I am sure you feel guilty but Myles knows you love him and your love will be with you forever. The love you will have for his siblings will be a very different kind of love. I will tell you and I am not comparing my pain to you.. not at all... but my girls have been gone 3 years and I still wake up every day wanting them and wishing they were here.. I still shed tears and I still talk to them every night. I learned so long ago that we don't move on from our losses we move forward, never forgetting the past because the past comes with us to the future. I think of Myles often. I really do. I wish I was there to give you a big hug! As always I am here for you. :)

Anonymous said...

I think the emotional thoughts you are having are thoughts that every mother has when they are bringing a second child into this world. You always worry can I possibly love this one as much as the first and how do I make sure that the first one doesn't feel left behind. You will continue to feel that struggle and it just means that you love a lot and are a great mom. You will never forget Myles. But I always think this thought when I think about what my family would do after I pass, people say there biggest fear is that friends and family will forget the person who died after the funeral and ceremony has passed. but as the person who has passed I always think you can forget about me but my hope is that the world will not forget about my family that is left here on earth to suffer through the pain. So my thought is that as you worry and miss Myles he is trying to let you know with these twins and the love ones around you that he hopes they don't forget to take care of you. He sounds like he was an amazing baby and would want you to be happy and full of love