Sunday, September 7, 2008

One of those days

Although every day for a baby loss mama is difficult, today is just one of those extra rough days. I miss Myles so much today and wish I could see him, talk to him, hold him, and kiss him again. I saw so many parents out with their little ones today, which made me think about what we'll never have. I looked at the photo album my parent's have of Myles on their coffee table in their living room and can't believe that this is all they will ever have of their only grandchild. My mom gave me my baby book, so I read through it today all the while thinking about all the milestones we'll never experience with Myles. J told me that he'd be taking Myles to a Packers game if he were here and it made me horribly sad that he'll never get to do that. J won't get the opportunity to see his little guy wearing the Pakcer's outfit that he got for Christmas and he'll never get to take his little boy to a football game. I want so much for J to have that with Myles.

I'm feeling guilty and responsible for Myles's death today and can't understand why my husband doesn't resent me for it. I feel like I brought all this pain and sadness on us. I took away the happiness we once had and pushed us into this nightmare.

Today is just one of those extra rough days.

12 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

oh, hun. I'm sorry. I have those days. Days like today when I look around at all the children in church and think, I miss my son.

((((hugs))))

Tomorrow is another day.

Natalie said...

It seems several of us are having hard days today. I'm there with you. It sucks. I hate watching my husband suffer in sadness, wondering what he's missing right now. Cuts to the core.

Heather said...

Yeah, I'm there with you too.

Gosh, it sucks, doesn't it.

Thinking of you and Myles.

Addysmommy said...

Niki,

I am so sorry. (((HUGS))) I wish I could just come and cry with you.

Rebecca said...

All I can do is send (((HUGS)))...you know I wish with all my heart you still had Myles with you. Josh doesn't resent you because YOU aren't responsible for Myles' death. Josh loves you, Myles loves you, and I love you. Wish I could be there to help you through this...
Mourning Myles and everything you've lost with you from here...

Amber said...

I doubt that anything I could say would help at all, but know that if I could I would wrap my arms around you. I hope tomorrow is easier...

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

so so sorry. Sending you hugs and prayers. And the wish that you stop blaming yourself. Grief is enough of an emotion to deal with without adding guilt to the equation. It's not your fault!

Busted said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. We all have those days - they seem like they are happening to a lot of us lately. I blame myself often too - blame my body for not being able to do what so many others can. When we even hear about Jon and Kate Plus 8 I feel so ashamed that she could carry 6 babies and I couldn't even carry 2. But my husband tells me it wasn't my fault, and I try hard to believe him - and so I'd like to pass that to you. There was nothing you could do - you were the best mother to Myles he could have ever had.

~Hollie said...

my heart breaks for you hun. My prayer for you will be for peace.

Travelwahine said...

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is a huge Bears fan and I had the same thoughts Sunday.

Sending you healing vibes. And thinking of you and Myles.

((((HUGS))))

kjames106 said...

I am so sorry for you. I pray peace and healing over you.

Kelli said...

Boy do I know this feeling. Why is it that no one else blames us but we blame ourselves? You think "I'm the Mom, my sole job is to protect them." But there definitely was nothing you could do, same as me. It's such a heavy burden on our hearts. Not only to lose your baby but to feel responsible too. Great big hugs to you.