Not so happy birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday and not one part of me felt like celebrating! I have been ttc since I was 28 and with every passing year I am starting to hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder. I know that 32 isn't that old yet, but I guess I just envisioned that my life would be very different by now. I thought I'd be having my 2nd child by age 32. I didn't think that all I'd have was a horizontal scar on my belly, a dead baby, a broken heart, and aching arms.

As I blew out my candles on the birthday cake my wonderful husband made for me I couldn't help but be irritated by people saying "make a wish." My wish is for Myles to be here with us and we all know that wish will never come true.

Two years ago today I discovered that my baby didn't have a heartbeat at 12wks and had a D&C the next day. This was the first of my 3 miscarriages. Last year I was pregnant with Myles and ever so hopeful. This year I have a dead baby and little hope for my future.

Myles was born 8 months ago today. I sat at his grave today and cried for a long time. I am trying to be optimistic for my FET this week, but have been finding it difficult to want any baby other than Myles. I know that when I get pregnant again I will love the baby, but right now I just long for Myles. I miss my handsome little man and would give up every birthday wish for the rest of my life to hold him one last time!