Sunday, September 21, 2008

Not so happy birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday and not one part of me felt like celebrating! I have been ttc since I was 28 and with every passing year I am starting to hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder. I know that 32 isn't that old yet, but I guess I just envisioned that my life would be very different by now. I thought I'd be having my 2nd child by age 32. I didn't think that all I'd have was a horizontal scar on my belly, a dead baby, a broken heart, and aching arms.

As I blew out my candles on the birthday cake my wonderful husband made for me I couldn't help but be irritated by people saying "make a wish." My wish is for Myles to be here with us and we all know that wish will never come true.

Two years ago today I discovered that my baby didn't have a heartbeat at 12wks and had a D&C the next day. This was the first of my 3 miscarriages. Last year I was pregnant with Myles and ever so hopeful. This year I have a dead baby and little hope for my future.

Myles was born 8 months ago today. I sat at his grave today and cried for a long time. I am trying to be optimistic for my FET this week, but have been finding it difficult to want any baby other than Myles. I know that when I get pregnant again I will love the baby, but right now I just long for Myles. I miss my handsome little man and would give up every birthday wish for the rest of my life to hold him one last time!

8 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry Niki. I'm not completely looking forward to my birthday either.

Elena said...

Hugs thinking of you

Jen said...

Big hugs to you.

Heather said...

Thinking of you too.

SMK said...

O Niki I am so sorry. I hate that you are hurting. I am sending you big virtual hugs....

Andrea said...

I'm so sorry:(

~Denise~ said...

I'm sorry Niki. That quote you commented on at my blog tonight...I admit that you and Myles came to mind when I read it.

Dora said...

Niki, I want to send you a birthday gift. An internet stranger (now friend) gave me a very generous gift last week and I want to pay it forward.

Mel suggested I check today's LFCA and choose someone who needs to have their day brightened. It would be an honor to send you a little gift to cheer you on during this difficult week.

Please send me an email.

Big hug,
Dora