Congrats to K!

We all need to give a shout out to K and send her huge congrats! On Friday night K graduated from the Surgical Technologist program at the local technical college. The past year K's been dedicated to her schooling and it paid off. On Saturday night we went out to K's favorite Japanese steakhouse to celebrate with her! We had a great time! Below is a picture of K and I at the Japanese restaurant. K looks super cute and I look like I have a very fat face, which I'll blame on the fact that J was taking the photo sitting down. I gave K a beautiful hanging basket of flowers and also brought K's favorite cupcakes from the local bakery--banana split and red velvet and as usual they were fabulous! We ate good food, drank some fruity alcoholic beverages, and enjoyed each other's company. K you are a strong, dedicated woman who never ceases to amaze me! I am so proud of you for all that you accomplish and as you know I am forever grateful for your willingness to help us make our dreams come true! You are a true rockstar!
I was finally able to give K her t-shirt for the upcoming ET. I meant to take her photo with the t-shirt, but didn't want to make a big deal of the shirt on her special day. Saturday was all about K and I didn't want it to seem even the slightest bit about me. However, I think the t-shirt shows just one more way that K is so darn amazing! K held it up and showed it to everyone and they seemed to think it was pretty cute. I can't wait to see K wearing hers on the day of ET. I'll wear my matching shirt as well and I'll be sure to take a photo, but for now here's a picture of the t-shirts I've been talking about. I'm sure you can figure out that K's is on the left and mine is on the right. :)

I feel the love

I feel so loved by all of you and by those close to me in my life. Thank you so much for all of your kind words yesterday. It was a tough day for me with a ton of tears, but I made it through and am happy that I don't have to deal with that day again for another 365 days!

I feel fortunate that a handful of my amazing friends and family remembered that I am a mother and called me, sent cards and emails, and a couple sent gifts. My mom gave me a beautiful hanging basket of flowers. My dear friend, D, left me a beautiful plant and wonderful mother's day card on my front steps yesterday. I have to say that D has been my biggest supporter through all of my IF struggles. D is always there for me! She remembers the tough days, she spends countless hours listening to me complain and cry, she supports me and cheers me on even while going through her own difficulties, and D always acknowledges Myles's days. Unfortunately D is one of us--she's battled IF for way to any years to count and at the current moment she and her dh are choosing to live child-free. D is one of the most caring, compassionate, understanding, loving people I've ever met. She is really a natural "mother" and it saddens me that she has not been blessed with a child. This is why I will never understand IF--it is so unfair! D you are an amazing, strong woman and I feel so fortunate to call you my friend! Thank you for being you!

I am a Mommy

I am Myles's Mommy. He may not be here today, but he was here 15 months ago. I love my son today just as much as the day he was born. Myles may not seem real to many, but he was very real to me. Myles had 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. He had my big eyes and his Daddy's round nose. Myles was a preemie, but that doesn't make him any less our baby. Preemies are just tiny babies born too soon. I gave birth to Myles. I have the scar to show for it. I nourished Myles with my breast milk. I changed his diapers and comforted him when he was upset. I would've died to save my son, but despite my best efforts I just couldn't save him. I love Myles and my heart aches for him.

Today I may not get recognition as a mother and I may not be celebrated by my child, but I know I am Myles's Mommy and I know in my heart he loves me. Today I will remember the days I spent with Myles and I will remember how it felt to touch his soft skin and hold his tiny, warm body next to mine. Today I will quietly celebrate my motherhood in solitude.

Babyloss Mammas Are Survivors

"My Mom is a Survivor"
By Kaye Des'Ormeaux
(Dedicated to mothers who have lost a child
and have somehow survived.)

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her... or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

I'm thinking of all of you who've loved and lost your babies. This weekend will be tough for all of us, but know that we are strong. We walk through life with a broken heart with only a memory of our babies to keep us going. We love our babies just as much as our friends and family who are fortunate to have their children with them here on Earth. Despite the "great sadness" that surrounds us we manage to forge ahead. It's not easy most days, yet we dig deep and find the smallest shred of inner strength to keep on going. We are survivors!

For me my memories of Myles keep me going. I remember what an amazing little "soldier" he was and what a courageous battle he waged. I remind myself that I promised Myles that I would emulate his strength and that I would continue my fight. I fought for Myles and am grateful for all that I went through to have him. I know in my heart that my continued fight and all the pain that comes with it is not in vain. I am determined to beat infertility once again and despite all the devastation we've faced I'm still optimistic (yep, that's me the eternal optimist) that one day with K's help I will win this war. I am a survivor and I will triumph!

Special Delivery X 2

No, not that extra special kind of delivery that we all dream of, but the package that arrived is getting us one step closer to that! The Fed.Ex guy delivered my meds today at work and you would not believe the ridiculously large boxes the meds came in! I had a student go to the office to get the packages and of course my nosey students wanted to know what was in the boxes. I told them it was lab supplies because I didn't want to get into it. My students do know that I have infertility issues and that Myles was an IVF baby, but I don't intend to tell them that I'm cycling in June. I will have to miss a couple of my 1st period classes for monitoring, but I'll just tell them that I was at the doctor. I'm lucky that I have prep 2nd period and I supervise a study hall 3rd period because I'll miss those too on the days when I travel to my clinic for monitoring. The clinic is about a 65 minute drive one-way when the traffic is good and because of my all-inclusive shared-risk plan I have to have the monitoring done at the clinic.

This cycle I'm starting off with 150U of Meno.pur in the AM and 300U of Bra.velle in the PM. In IVF #1 I did 15oU of Meno.pur in the AM and 150U of Bra.velle in the PM, so I guess my RE is acting more aggressively with this cycle. He's hoping to stim me 10 days this time instead of 13 days like last time. Other than this change the protocol is the same.


The other special delivery came on Monday night. Remember I mentioned ordering matching t-shirts for K and I to wear at the next ET. Well they arrived and they are super cute! I took a photo, but don't want to post it until I give K her t-shirt on Saturday night. We are going to look so darn cute when we go for the ET!

I'm still dreading Sunday, but J informed me that we are going to get drunk and skip work on Monday. I thought he was kidding, but he took the day off on Monday. So, I'm taking it off also. I'm sure it will be necessary as I'll have an emotional hangover from the anticipated crying I will do on Sunday. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow and she understands that I just need to stay in the house and not face the world that day. The only place I will go is to visit Myles's grave. Other than that I'll be in my house, so I don't have to see little kids, babies, and/or pregnant women. What will you be doing on Mother's Day to make it through the day?

May Day and Myles

I thought by distracting myself with activities I could forget about the significance of May 1--the day in 2008 when Myles was supposed to be born--but really all it did was delay the inevitable emotional meltdown. I had a girl's night in party with some of my friends from work on Friday night. We drank X-rated martinis and wine. We ate a variety of delectable appetizers and indulged in decadent chocolates. We chatted and had a nice time. It was a great distraction. By the time they left I was exhausted and fell asleep immediately, which was great because I didn't have time to think.

Yesterday I was busy with a variety of things, but when we went to K's for a bonfire I watched her two little boys play with her friends three little boys and I was hit with the reality that I'll never get to see Myles do any of those things I watched them do. The fact is that I'll never get to see Myles again. While sitting around the fire we were listening to K's I.pod on shuffle and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole came on. I was already thinking of Myles, but this song took me back to the day we buried him. We played this song while we released 26 rainbow-colored balloons at his burial service. I'm certain that J was thinking about it too and K even mentioned that she remembered this song at Myles's funeral. I tried to ignore it, so I wouldn't burst into tears in front of K's friends. After this song finished the next song that played was "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. As most of you know this is one of the songs that I put on Myles's tribute video. It's also one of the songs that played at his funeral. I was in total disbelief that as I was thinking of Myles and all that I'd be missing with him two songs that will forever be etched in my mind as Myles's songs played back to back on K's I.pod. K noticed it too and kept saying how strange it was.

Today the inevitable happened ... I had a total meltdown. I woke up to see the sun shining, but I didn't feel sunny inside at all. I felt completely knocked down and sad. Despite the fact that I would've liked to stay in bed all day I got up and ran some errands. On the way home I started crying and couldn't stop. I've been crying on and off all day long. I miss Myles so much that it physically hurts. I will spend the rest of my life with an aching heart. I may not cry every day anymore, but it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt just as much as it did the day Myles died. It does and it will always hurt. I get the impression that some people think once I have another baby my heart will no longer be broken, but what they don't realize is that nothing is ever going to fill this giant hole in my heart. This is the wound that my son's death has left on me and it's a wound that I will bare for life.

IVF Calendar

We finally received our official calendar for the upcoming cycle. I am doing the antagonist protocol again. I am so excited! I called to order my meds and K ordered hers too. We are both very excited to get this cycle underway.

Here's the plan for IVF #2: (it doesn't feel right to call it IVF #5 since this is only my 2nd ER)

5/12: K starts lupron
5/27: My baseline u/s
5/30: I start stims (Men.pur & Brave.lle)
6/3: My 1st follicle tracking scan (u/s)
6/10: Estimated ER
6/15: Estimated ET to K
6/25: Beta #1
6/27: Beta #2

This cycle is going to be a little different being actively involved in the process, but I think it will make me feel more a part of things. It's not that I didn't feel like I was involved in the last cycle with K because I did, but I felt a lot of guilt that K was the one getting poked and prodded while I sat by watching. Since we're doing an ER this time, I'll get plenty of poking and prodding and will likley surpass K in that department. However, I still consider myself fortunate not to have to endure the horrid PIO. I'm already feeling bad for K's bum! Do you remember the photos of her welts and bruises from the last cycle? I know K's a trooper, but damn that looks like it hurts! The ball is rolling ....