Thursday, July 2, 2009

Emotional teeter-totter

As I stated in a previous post I am trying to enjoy each day that K is expecting our baby(ies). My cousin, H, posted this quote as a comment and I think it's wonderful:

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles; it empties today if its strength."

I think that so many of us infertiles struggle with worrying on a daily basis (I know I do) and can use this reminder.

Now that I've said that I have to be honest with you--I am having somewhat of an emotional dilemma. I seem to be teetering between hope and fear. I am excited, hopeful, and optimistic (note the new pregnancy ticker). I dream, yet I still have those nagging fears that creep up. I think about how many other times we've been here and how we are still without a living child. It doesn't help that there are a few people IRL close to me who ever so kindly remind me of this fact (as if I've forgotten!). Yep, I have friends who "can't be excited for me yet" or don't really even congratulate us on the good news and they say it like they are reminding me that bad things can happen. I find this to be seriously annoying and hurtful because I know first-hand what kind of bad things can happen (5 miscarriages and a dead baby are my reality in case you forgot), yet I also know that good things can (and do) happen. So, I'm trying to balance this emotional teeter-totter. Clearly I can't rid my mind of my past experiences (or tell the nay-sayers to shut the hell up and let me enjoy the moment while it lasts), but I also know that I can believe that this time will be different! How do you balance the emotional teeter-totter?


Addysmommy said...

Umm... I would probably tell people to shut the hell up! :) Do you want me to beat them up for you?? hehe..

Just ignore people and their stupidity! Duh of course your scared you don't need it to be thrown in your face every damn second. Jeez..

You will always have fear and nothing will get rid of that, you just have to manage it. :( I was scared thru my whole pregnancy and Jack is here and kicking and I'm STILL scared.. I think I'll be scared for the rest of my life! I think you do a wonderful job of managing your fear. I know sometimes it probably doesn't feel like it.. but you are a wonderful amazing woman and people need to take their negativity somewhere and SHOVE it.

I have hope for you and your little snugglers in K's oven! (((HUGS)))

Heather said...

I'm still on the teeter totter, at almost 21 weeks.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the quote you posted. I think that's completely true. It's hard to not feel guilty for being excited (and let's all hit the people who remind you of something you'll never forget!), but you, and this baby (babies?) deserve to be excited.

We know all too well what horrible things can happen, but every living person on the planet started with an early pregnancy.

I've been following your blog for a long time now, and I really think this is your time. My god, you so deserve it.

Mo and Will said...

How do I balance it? Very, very carefully. Latest strategy is to try my darndest to stay in the moment. THIS moment is wonderful - and not look ahead to either more goodness or possible badness. Hard to do, but what I'm striving for.

Has anyone told you that you between K and H you have awesome cousins?!

suz said...

It's hard, once you've had a loss that will always be in the back of your mind. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage so when I got pregnant again I felt like at any minute it was going to fall apart. I started to just focus on making it over the next hurdle - betas, ultrasound, viability, etc. It was like when I found out I was pregnant I held my breath, then every milestone I crossed let it out a bit until the day I was taking my full term healthy daughter home from the hospital and I could finally completely exhale. I think it's hard to be on the outside, people who haven't experienced it don't quite know how to act. So tell your friends what you want from them - tell them you want them to be happy and excited or cautiously optimistic or whatever. Tell them you know things can go wrong, but things can go wrong at any minute to anyone so why focus on that?

Dora said...

Re the obnoxious naysayers, I have this "look" that an ex-boyfriend called the "look of death." Whenever I gave him that look, he would start babbling apologies. Can you try that?

BTW, I have a really good feeling about this one!

thenewsestnewsome said...

I love that quote! What a great statement, full of truth. As for the negativity- I would do just as you said you couldnt, tell them to shut the hell up. You dont need negative energy at what should be a very happy time in your life. Today you have life, and thats what needs to be focused on and celebrated.
I continue to keep you, your baby(ies), K, and your family in my best thoughts

Polly Gamwich said...

I am so sorry that your friends are less excited than you - I regularly tell people to continue being excited and happy and hopeful ... because I need that from them.

As far as the emotional roller coaster? I think I detached a bit - rather than being actively worrying or celebratory. I have just wanted to not have high expectations. A friend of mine poitned out that if I had ZERO hope ... I wouldn't continue doing what I've been doing to try to have a successful pregnancy.

So I think hope needs to be nurtured if you can.

Big hugs - and I'll tell you, I'm pretty confident that K is having twins ... and that this will go VERY well for you.

(Funny how I can be so much more confident for other ppl than for myself ;-))

Anonymous said...

Sigh. I have people in my life like that too. I quit telling them things. I cannot take the negativity. I want to say - what the fukc, you do not think I know that???

I swore to myself that if I ever get pregnant again, I am going to get my hopes up, I am going to be happy and I am going to enjoy every single second that I can. I hope you can too. ((HUGS))

Bluebird said...

I *would* tell them to shut the hell up! Honestly, I'm impressed that you have hope. And no one has to remind you of the flipside. So it sounds like you've figured out how to balance just fine! No to just close your ears to those trying to convince you otherwise!

Infertile In the City said...

It is hard not to worry, it is hard to be happy, and I wish I knew how to balance the teeter totter.

Monica said...

How do you balance the emotional teeter-totter? I wish I had a sure-fire answer to this question. All I thought of when I read this was, "You just do." You're a strong, amazing woman.

Anonymous said...

As for the emotional teeter-totter, I've totally been there with this last pregnancy. Talk about anxiety and fear! I was totally afraid I'd lose both of my boys, especially when the doc said that Adam had absent diastolic flow in his umbilical cord, like Aaron did. Talk about frightening and feeling like this rollercoaster ride was about to happen all over again.

The way I got through it was the same way I tried to muddle through the grief of losing Aaron, and still do....moment by moment and day by day. Really, it's much easier to think about where you are now than what's ahead.


Corey Family said...

I have never posted but have followed you from SC's First I want to say Big Congratulations and (((HUGS))) Second I saw consitrate on the positive. Your numbers are huge if it is a singleton pregnancy very good numbers and if it is a twin pregnancy the numbers are great also. In looking at the positive look at it like this looking at your last numbers and breaking it down into singles you are 419 points ahead of your last 1st beta and 911 above your second beta so looking at it positivly you are in a great range and I would say you will have a little baby(ies)this time next year GOOD LUCK.

Debir said...

One day at a time honey, one day at a time!
Debi (SC)

Kate said...

I'll have faith for you. I'm convinced that K's lovely proven uterus is all that was missing from the equation. But I totally get where you're coming from - I'm there too.

Jess said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I can't wait for the dr to confirm that you have twins...K has a beautiful uterus!

Being scared is normal after what you went through. I will be praying for you! I can't wait to see two healthy babies in 8 months!

I lost my niece 5 days ago. She was born at 20 weeks and now I'm scared shitless because I thought if I made it past the 1st trimester that meant I was safe, but I learned that isn't true this week. My niece's mom didn't take care of herself at all and smoked throughout her entire pregnancy but I can't take the fear out of me now.

Amy and Angela said...

I'm giddy for you. Giddy in a way I have never felt for a stranger. Sure something could happen. Something could happen to anyone of us or anyone of our kids tomorrow! But you can't live life in fear. It will drain you. Love every moment and treasure every week that K is pregnant with your bean or beans. These months will go fast. Before you know it....your whole life will turn right side up.


TeriLynn said...

Niki, I just hate it too when people have to say shit! I have a couple statements people say to me all the time and it drives me up a wall! My emotions have been pretty high lately and it is something i have to get over and might have to end up talking to someone about it, but now that my surgery is over with, I know there is a child out there for me & T in adoption!
You should be glowing proud! I am so excited for you and can't wait to see the first ultrasound pics! You and J will be AWESOME parents and K is so wonderful!
Just ingore people that say that crap! Grow babies Grow!!

Natalia Ritchie said...

I don't know you at all, and I have the same instinct as those people you talk about. To just hold off a bit, until things are more along. And to be fair to them, most people don't tell others that they are expecting at 4weeks. In fact most people don't know. I don't think that it's because people don't want you to be happy, or that they want to remind you of the awful things that have happened.
When it comes to babies and pregnancy, some people are super careful not to speak to early, and I think it comes from a good place, not a bad place.
I know when I think those things, I think about not hurting you, not about wanting to remind you of what's happened. Like you can ever forget anyhow?

As I said before, those are great numbers, and I cannot be happier that things are so good right now!! I have all the hope in the world!!

Kelly said...

Your ticker is beautiful! And you have to have hope. It's all that's left of us at the end of this journey. Every day is a blessing those babies are here and growing!

Just Caz said...

I cant believe anyone would be that stupid.
Do you want me to kick there ass?
You have reason to hope, things will turn out well.

Erica said...

I haven't figured that out yet. Otherwise I'd give you my secret.

Natalia Ritchie said...

(as a response to what you wrote on my blog..)


You know what I wrote came from a good place right? I hope you know that!!

I agree that worry will get you no where, and hope gets you where you want to go!! For sure.

I remember when we were excited at 4 weeks with our surrogate too, and those comments bothered me as well! I just wanted to remind you that most people mean well. I have trouble remembering that myself sometimes.


Wewurtskihit said...

I dont think you CAN balance your emotions when it comes to your children. And I dont think you SHOULD!

It is OK to be scared and excited at the same time. It is OK look forward to holding your kid(s) and at the same time remember all the grief that was in the past!

ANYONE telling you different is just dumb and stupid! They have NOT been through the agony of losing a child, a miscarriage or the challenges of being unable to conceive naturally.

Ignore them - be scared and excited - you EARNED IT!!!!

Lost in Space said...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with people sometimes!?! Seriously, I don't know how you didn't just kick them in the shins. Kudos for self restraint. (-;

I think all you can do is take it one test, u/s, milestone, moment at a time.

Mary said...

Next time someone says something stupid like that, let all the hurt you feel show on your face, and say something like, "Why on earth do you feel it's YOUR job to try to take my hope away?"

Damn it, whatever has happened in the past, without hope for NOW, you have nothing but despair.

And I *HOPE* that both of those beautiful babies stuck and that you will be holding TWINS in about 7 months! I have a good feeling about all of this...

sara said...

So understandalbe. Just wanted to say from the first time I read your blog months ago until now you're in my thoughts and prayers. We're just starting our own journey with surrogacy and are very excited. So happy for you and your family!

Sheri-ct said...

I am so sorry you are dealing with people that can not be happy for you. That is the LAST thing you need to be dealing with right now. You can come up with things to worry and stress about without their help. Worry doesn't change the outcome, just the journey. Be happy and enjoy this! This time it IS different, you have perfect embies in a perfect uterus!