Sunday, November 15, 2009

Bargaining with the Universe

I need to apologize for being a bad blog commenter. I'm reading, but just don't have it in me to comment. I've had a horrible cold, we're in a very scary part of the pregnancy for me, and my cat is really sick again (see below). I will try to be better this week. Must. Pull. Self. Out. Of. Dark. Hole!

I'm grateful not to have H1N1 or any other flu strain, but man this cold is kicking my butt! I've had it for 10 days and it's been pretty rough. It started as a mildly sore throat and progressed into nasal congestion and cough. I'm still struggling with the nasal congestion and accompanying headaches. Eating healthy, taking vitamins, drinking tons of water, and medicating with over the counter cold meds haven't seemed to help much. I've even resorted to using Air.borne, which I'm certain only works because people think it works (placebo anyone?!), but I figure I'll try anything at this point. Plus, the extra Vitamin C and Zinc it contains can't hurt me and might actually help support my struggling immune system.

We've reached viability so if the babies were born now they'd have a chance. Albeit the chance of their survival at this point is not a good one, but a chance nonetheless. According to the March of Dimes "the chances of survival at 24 weeks are 60%, and the chances of having a handicap due to the early birth are 60%, as well. Babies born at 26 weeks have a 95% chance of survival and their handicap risk drops to 40%; just two more weeks makes a big difference in [a] baby's outlook." Well you all know how much 2 weeks helped us, so that does little to reassure me. I'm just hoping with all my might that the babies are not born anytime soon.

My sweet little cat, Asha, is having one of her renal crash episodes and I'm worried she won't make it this time. Every other time Asha's crashed she managed to recover with our help (we give her "kitty dialysis" every 1-2 days). Right now our biggest problem is her unwillingness to eat. She's lost weight, which isn't good because she only weighs 6.6lbs to start. The other day she was down to 6.2 and I'm guessing she's less today. I can feel her little spine and it makes me so sad. We feed her chicken, tuna, salmon, and turkey. Today she ate some tuna and a little kibble, but not enough. I'm going to start adding turkey and chicken baby food (the kind without onions) back to the mix to try to get her to eat. I may even have to do some force feeding, which I can't stand, but she needs to eat more. Renal failure makes her feel nauseated, so she won't eat. It's frustrating and stressful.

I find myself doing some bargaining with the Universe. I keep saying that I'm willing to give up something or I say I'll try to be a better person if the babies stay healthy and grow strong. I've even had the thought that I'd let Asha go if it meant that the babies would come safe and sound. How messed up is that? What kind of pet parent am I to offer my sweet little Princess in exchange for two healthy baby boys? This bargaining point makes me sick to my stomach and makes me feel guilty. I blame myself for Asha's crash ... like my mental bargain with the Universe resulted in her crash. The reality is that I don't want to lose Asha and I really don't think I should have to lose her so the babies live. I guess I'm so accustomed to bad things happening to me, so much so that I'm assuming something bad must happen. Other people go throughout their lives living blissfully, so why can't I do the same? I want Asha to recover. I want her to meet the boys. I want both boys to arrive big and strong in February. Am I asking for too much?

16 comments:

Christine, Jason and Baby said...

I don't know that I have ever commented on your blog, but I have been a reader for some time. I just wanted to say how happy I am for you that you have twin boys on the way. I have one little boy myself and he is the joy of my life.
I also wanted to comment about your furbaby, Asha. I read at one point in your post that you may have to resort to force feeding as the stuff she is going through (sorry can't remember what you called it) causes her to be nausiated. My cat had some kidney problems at one point and we took him to the vet. They actually were able to give him a medicine to help stimulate his appetite so he would eat. Is there any way you could ask your vet if you could get a script for this for your kitty? It helped our kitty. Just a thought.

M said...

of course you aren't asking for too much. however, if it worked like that though... you'd already be set of life. seeing as you've already survived more than one person is supposed to. bargaining with the universe isn't the answer... you need to continue doing what you and k are doing so well. taking excellent care of those boys and of asha (and don't think for a second that your thoughts had anything to do with her crash, the universe is well aware of your love for her!) i hope you feel better soon, being sick makes everything feel worse. take it one day at a time, yes two weeks is a big deal, but so is each and every day. and you all are doing amazing.

Barb said...

You are not asking too much at all. You deserve a break after what you have been through!

sprogblogger said...

You are not asking too much, but oh boy do I know what it's like to try to bargain with the Universe. It doesn't work, but it's almost impossible not to try. I'm hoping for a long(er) and healthy life for Asha, and a much longer gestation for your boys. You are entitled to both, and you just send the Universe to come talk to me if it thinks otherwise! I'll smack it upside the head for you...

Bluebird said...

So sorry you're feeling so crummy, honey, hope you shake it soon.

And desperately hope those babies stay put for a good long while still :)

Poppy said...

Hang in there, Niki. I'm praying for all of you to come through this pregnancy at 40 wks with everyone healthy and happy.

I've also been down with the crude for over 10 days. It's AWFUL. I swear I did not know it was humanly possible to have this much snot in ones body!! I feel as if I"m drowning in it! OTC meds are like taking sugar pills and I know my dr. won't do anything for a cold...so I'm sucking it up and dealing. Not well, but I'm dealing.

Here's hoping this week is better for both of us. All the way around.

Kelly said...

Prayers for your sweet Asha and the ability to make it through these next few weeks with minimal worry.

meinsideout said...

You have nothing to be sorry for - you are an amazing blogging friend are you are going through so much right now.

I hear you on the bargaining - it is not sick, it is a coping mechanism and I am sure that some of us have run the gamut with different coping mechanisms that may make us feel weird.

((HUGS)) - and yay for 24 weeks!

goldenjag25 said...

It's definitely not too much to ask for a healthy pregnancy, healthy children, the works. Other people get that, you deserve it more than anyone I could imagine. Hang in there, I hope Asha is doing ok. And NO you are not a bad pet parent!!

Debir said...

Niki, I just wanted to say you are not alone with the "bargaining". I have done it, and I am sure many others have as well.
I agree with what meinsideout said, it is a coping mechanism and I think it is normal for anyone who has been where you have hon.
Please do not feel guilty for thinking for a split second about letting Asha go... I think it shows just how much you love her because "in exchange for" must be of very close value.
I hope you understand the point I am getting at and that I am meaning it in the very best, loving way.

Jaymee said...

you are not asking for too much at all. you are just in a rough place, and being sick is not helping anything. i know that when i am sick, and i am at the moment pneumonia, sets you closer to the emotional edge. be patient with yourself, you are not a bad pet or human mommma, you are wonderful on both accounts and have nothing to feel guilty about.

sending you a million hugs and tons of love.

Saffy said...

Bargaining is pretty normal I think in these situations (which aren't exactly normal!). I'm sure that Asha knows how much you love her and whomever you're bargaining with would know that really you deserve all of you, together, happy and healthy. I reckon you need to focus on another 24 days when the boys will be 28 weeks! That's soooo close. Hang in there and get well soon.

Tiffany said...

You are not asking for too much! I used to play that game too, and here my boys are safe and sound. I hope the same for you often.

Jillian said...

This made me cry. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. Congrats on the baby boys. I am thinking of you and K and the boys and your sweet kitty.

Expectant Duck said...

Oh Niki,
it's totally normal (I think!) to be having a hard time right now, it's a scarey time in the pregnancy and you lost Myles when he was so very little, it was a huge tramatic experience and one that will forever shape you going forward. This is something that I so hope you can work through and get back to that joy and hope that you felt early in the pregnancy. It's hard, but, they are safe with K.

Sorry to hear that your furry little person is having a rough time, loosing our cat Peter was so very painful and I hope she pulls through and starts feeling better soon.
Hugs.

MoDLin said...

You're going through a really rough patch with your cold, sick kitty and tender gestational age of the twins. Try to be kind to yourself and realize it's OK to want everything to be good - who wouldn't want that, especially if they'd been on the roller coaster you've been on! All of us are rooting for Asha and sending you soothing vibes and all good wishes.