Bargaining with the Universe

I need to apologize for being a bad blog commenter. I'm reading, but just don't have it in me to comment. I've had a horrible cold, we're in a very scary part of the pregnancy for me, and my cat is really sick again (see below). I will try to be better this week. Must. Pull. Self. Out. Of. Dark. Hole!

I'm grateful not to have H1N1 or any other flu strain, but man this cold is kicking my butt! I've had it for 10 days and it's been pretty rough. It started as a mildly sore throat and progressed into nasal congestion and cough. I'm still struggling with the nasal congestion and accompanying headaches. Eating healthy, taking vitamins, drinking tons of water, and medicating with over the counter cold meds haven't seemed to help much. I've even resorted to using Air.borne, which I'm certain only works because people think it works (placebo anyone?!), but I figure I'll try anything at this point. Plus, the extra Vitamin C and Zinc it contains can't hurt me and might actually help support my struggling immune system.

We've reached viability so if the babies were born now they'd have a chance. Albeit the chance of their survival at this point is not a good one, but a chance nonetheless. According to the March of Dimes "the chances of survival at 24 weeks are 60%, and the chances of having a handicap due to the early birth are 60%, as well. Babies born at 26 weeks have a 95% chance of survival and their handicap risk drops to 40%; just two more weeks makes a big difference in [a] baby's outlook." Well you all know how much 2 weeks helped us, so that does little to reassure me. I'm just hoping with all my might that the babies are not born anytime soon.

My sweet little cat, Asha, is having one of her renal crash episodes and I'm worried she won't make it this time. Every other time Asha's crashed she managed to recover with our help (we give her "kitty dialysis" every 1-2 days). Right now our biggest problem is her unwillingness to eat. She's lost weight, which isn't good because she only weighs 6.6lbs to start. The other day she was down to 6.2 and I'm guessing she's less today. I can feel her little spine and it makes me so sad. We feed her chicken, tuna, salmon, and turkey. Today she ate some tuna and a little kibble, but not enough. I'm going to start adding turkey and chicken baby food (the kind without onions) back to the mix to try to get her to eat. I may even have to do some force feeding, which I can't stand, but she needs to eat more. Renal failure makes her feel nauseated, so she won't eat. It's frustrating and stressful.

I find myself doing some bargaining with the Universe. I keep saying that I'm willing to give up something or I say I'll try to be a better person if the babies stay healthy and grow strong. I've even had the thought that I'd let Asha go if it meant that the babies would come safe and sound. How messed up is that? What kind of pet parent am I to offer my sweet little Princess in exchange for two healthy baby boys? This bargaining point makes me sick to my stomach and makes me feel guilty. I blame myself for Asha's crash ... like my mental bargain with the Universe resulted in her crash. The reality is that I don't want to lose Asha and I really don't think I should have to lose her so the babies live. I guess I'm so accustomed to bad things happening to me, so much so that I'm assuming something bad must happen. Other people go throughout their lives living blissfully, so why can't I do the same? I want Asha to recover. I want her to meet the boys. I want both boys to arrive big and strong in February. Am I asking for too much?