Sunday, April 5, 2009

Spring

I used to love spring and the awakening of life that accompanies it, but that was before infertility, miscarriages, and Myles's death. Now spring is just a reminder of what should've been. My first baby's due date was April 17. Myles's due date was May 1. It doesn't help that Mother's Day follows these dates and I absolutely despise Mother's Day! I have for the last 5 years. Last year was by far the worst Mother's Day ever and I'm certain that this year is going to be just as bad. Yes, I'm a Mother. I know that, but it's not the same. If I want to spend Mother's Day with my son I have to go to the cemetary. I don't smile and laugh and play with my child on Mother's Day, but rather sit and stare at his headstone while tears roll down my face. Mother's Day for babyloss mamas and infertiles is a sad, horrible reminder of what we don't have.

(BTW ... I saw my first TV commercial for Mother's Day on Friday night and I'm not looking forward to the onslaught of such adds after Easter!)

12 comments:

Jaymee said...

there should be a feature on the dvr that will let you blackout those commercials. i hate them with a passion, the only thing worse is having to go sit with all those mothers.

here is to next year being better for all of us.

Erica said...

Ugh! I totally agree. I'm going to make sure I limit my tv watching - thanks for reminding me!

I hope you have a peaceful week.

Kelly said...

I remember those times all too well. ((((Niki))))

meinsideout said...

((HUGS))

Donna said...

For me spring is hard because there was so much hope in our lives waiting for spring to arrive. All of the baby clothes I had picked out for Ellie were cute little spring and summer outfits. I am finally donating the last of them to charity this month. I hope you can find some peace. I think of you all the time.

Bluebird said...

I'm dreading it.

((Hugs)) sweet girl.

Duck said...

im with you.

Lost in Space said...

Many hugs, Niki. Just seeing the mention of Mother's Day makes my stomach turn.

I so wish your Myles were here with you, sweetie.

Caroline said...

Hi Niki,
I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are going through. I can only imagine how difficult Mothers Day is for you.

Rebecca said...

While I can never understand your exact pain, I can understand and share in the dreading of Mother's Day, all it's happy commercials and the like. I am dreading it as well and dealing with my own pain too. (((HUGS))) to us all.

MyLifeMyWorld-SharingADream said...

I can only imagine how hard mothers day is for so many. I'm so sorry this day is a day of sadness.

I do love spring though, it's a time of new life...new beginnings. I believe you will have new beginnings too.

Jess said...

Hi Niki,

You don't know me yet, but I found your blog through another IF blogger. I read almost all of your posts...I couldn't stop! I wanted to know about Myles. Your angel is beautiful!

One of your posts really hit home, the one where you called yourself a baby killer (something along those lines). I too have a body who kills babies. I have four angles who my body rejected.

My heart goes out to K. What a beautiful and selfless thing she did and it is such bullshit that she had to endure the pain we have endured.

I wish you the best!