WHEN Bad Things Happen to Good People

NOT WHY Bad Things Happen to Good People. Last night I attended a speech by Rabbi Harold Kushner the author of the well known book that inspired the title of this post. The Rabbi wrote this book following the death of his son. My dear friend, M, who's also a babyloss mama invited me to accompany her and I'm so grateful she did. Thanks M! I was inspired by much of what Rabbi Kushner had to say, but have to admit that I haven't read his book in it's entirety. My dear friend, M, recommended that I read it following Myles's death, but when I noticed all the biblical quotes I immediately put it down. I just couldn't deal with one more person telling me that Myles's death was part of some bigger plan that I just couldn't understand. I wish I had known a year ago that this is the last thing that Rabbi Kushner would say. In fact last night he said that no one has a right to tell someone that something bad has happened for a reason and I couldn't agree more! Here are a few things that Rabbi Kushner said that resonated with me:

• All who have experienced any kind of loss have something in common, but the intensity we experience differs.
• When we experience a loss all we can do is cope.
• In the valley of the shadow is where the light finds us.
• Everything DOESN'T have a moral cause, but everything does have a physical cause.
• G.od doesn't give us a finished world, but rather a world that needs our intervention.
• Losing a child may make you more sensitive, compassionate, patient, but anyone who's lost a child would give that up in a heartbeat to have their child back.
• When you can help others the cloud of helplessness is lifted and you feel connected.
• Ordinary people do extraordinary things.
• Friends who abandon you (e.g., don't call, don't come to visit, ignore your feelings) in your time of need do so because they can't acknowledge your reality. They fear that acknowledging it will make it happen to them.
• When the wind blows over some of what you built, you learn to live and celebrate without it.
• Doubt is not the opposite of faith. The opposite of faith is certainty.
• Hermit Crab growth and development as an analogy to losing and finding faith: hermit crabs have a hard shell that protects them. In order to grow they have to shed their protective carapace and at this point they are vulnerable and without protection, but eventually their outside hardens and they are again protected.

Many of these thoughts spoke to my grief over Myles's death while others spoke to my 5 lost dreams and my continual battle with infertility. I feel like I should explain how these statements spoke to me, but quite frankly I'm still tossing things around my mind. I didn't walk away from Kushner's speech with all of my questions answered, but I never expected that to happen. However, I do think that Rabbi Kushner allowed me to develop a new perspective.

Along with Kushner's inspiring messages a wonderful, caring friend, S, grabbed my hand and helped me out of my dark hole of hopelessness. I see a small light flickering and I feel a little hope returning ...

Mexico--Our Escape From Reality

Deep Dark Place

This is where I went yesterday and am not sure when I'll return. Please beware that this is not a happy, hopeful post by any means. Today I feel hopeless and want to curl up in my dark place and not face the world with my fake happy face. The people IRL who read this won't understand how one goes to such a place and I'm too tired to explain it. Quite frankly I'm reaching the point where I'm just plain tired, actually exhausted is more like it. Like one of my dear blogger friends I too want off this horrible ride!

One of my closest friends, L, listened to me cry and go on for hours yesterday. She has to endure my constant questions about how the universe can put so much on one family ... about how unfair it is that others are blessed repeatedly and others are just beaten down repeatedly ... about how I don't believe in miracles. All of those beliefs went out the window when Myles died. At one point during this conversation L said that maybe this is hell? Maybe J and I are experiencing hell on Earth? My response was that hell couldn't possibly be any worse than the life we live, so I guess this is my hell.

I have reached a point when honestly I wonder if I'm in denial. Am I refusing to see the evidence that is stacking up in front of me? For as difficult as it is to endure the constant heartache we face it is even more difficult for me to acknowledge the real possiblity that I might not have another child.

(Please don't give me any trite platitudes or promises that I'll one day be a mother to another child. I really don't need that right now. I just need to wallow in my dark place.)

Now What?

Hmm, haven't you heard me say that before?! I feel like I've been sitting in this very same spot a million times before over the past several years, yet I seem just as lost right now as I was the first time I sat here. I hate the limbo! I hate the not knowing of what we will do next or what direction we will embark on! I like to know where I'm headed as it always brings me comfort. I'm not feeling like we don't have a travel destination, but rather just that we don't have the GPS programmed yet. I'm obviously anxious to get the GPS programmed, so we can head off in the right direction.

I've talked with K about all that's happened with the miscarriage and emergency D&C. Not surprisingly K's husband was scared to death when he receieved a frantic phone call that his wife was going in for a D&C because she was hemorrhaging. As a result he feels quite strongly that K can't go through another cycle with us again. I don't blame him for having these feelings. He wants to protect his wife, the mother of his children, and the logical way to do that is to end the surrogacy journey. Additionally K's husband has some other reasons for not wanting K to continue, which I won't get into here, but all of his points are very valid. I understand that both K and her family need time to process all that's happened in the last two weeks before they make any final decisions, so we are going to give them some much needed time and space.

K and her family know that we will be moving on with our plans for IVF #2 and that we do not presume that they will be a part of our continued journey. It is important for my mental health and well-being to keep moving forward, so that's what we'll do. I will discuss surrogacy as a part of our future, but I will not discuss who will be a part of it. I need to give K and her family time to decide if they will continue on this journey with us or not. Of course we are hopeful that K will continue this journey with us, but we understand if she is unable to do so.

I told K that it's much easier for us to bounce back from the miscarriage because 1) we didn't go through the physical part of it, 2) we've been through 4 other miscarriages and are familiar with the wide range of emotions that accompany such a loss, and 3) it's not nearly as emotionally painful for us as was watching Myles die. Plus, years of being battered by infertility and recurrent miscarriage has made us quite resilient. Like I said before we stumble along this journey, but we keep getting to our feet and we forge ahead. We are "walking through flames" to get to our child. I have to say that this fall was a pretty bad one for me, in particular, because I expected surrogacy to solve all of our problems. I should've known better to think that it would be a smooth ride as nothing about this journey has been smooth. Despite this HUGE, devastating blow I still feel strongly that surrogacy will bring us a child, so working with a surrogate will be an integral part of our future journey.

I have my WTF appointment (i.e., post-IVF consult) with Dr. S scheduled for 3/31 to discuss our next step, so that meeting should help set us in motion. I hope that Dr. S is ready for me this time because I have a million questions for him! I'm guessing our protocol for IVF #2 will be similar to that of IVF #1 because I had a good response. I stimmed for 11 days with a combo of Bravelle & Menopur. My estrogen levels were low the whole time and never correlated properly with my follicle count, but my RE assured me that there are a select few women (go figure I'm one of them!) who have mature eggs as indicated by u/s despite what the E2 level indicates. He was correct. Here are my stats from IVF #1:

-21 mature follicles at trigger
-2 empty follicles at ER
-19 eggs retrieved
-16 mature eggs that fertilized with ICSI
-8 blastocysts (graded A; all frozen due to lining problems)

I'm guessing that he'll have me do the same protocol: slow and low seems to work for me! I was thinking that stimming during the school year might not be the best idea and thought about waiting until June, but maybe I'll start near the end of the school year if it works with Dr. S's schedule. I figure that the worst case scenario is that we won't have a surrogate to transfer our fresh embryos to, but realize that if that's the case we'll just freeze the embryos until we can find a surrogate. In my dream world my uterine lining would suddenly do something miraculous and grow thick so we could transfer to me, but we know that is highly improbable and very unlikely to happen.

Insult to Injury

I am back from Mexico and just as I expected reality has hit me hard. I've spent the whole morning crying about the recent loss, the horrors that K and her family had to endure, and our future. I'm upset with the universe and the inequality that exists. To top off my horrible morning I came home to discover that someone had stolen a glass snowman solar light off Myles's grave. It was a "gift" from my parents and has been hanging on a shephard's hook on Myles's grave since late November. I am just so upset and hurt by this. As if it's not bad enough that my son died people have to steal his things from his grave. What kind of person does that sort of thing? I know it's just something material, so it shouldn't bother me so much yet it does. I think it's because I don't have Myles here with me to physically protect, so I'm protective over his grave and all of the things I put on his grave. So today I'm not only mad at the universe, but mad at those who inhabit this universe as well.

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I will give you the whole scoop later when I'm feeling more like posting, but to give you a quick update on K ... she had a D&C this past week due to the loss of too much blood, the development of an infection, and failure to expel the embryo. K kept this from me while I was in Mexico because she didn't want me to worry. She is so thoughtful and kind. K continues to amaze me.

Miscarriage is underway

I just received an email from K and she thinks the miscarriage has started. Last night she started having heavy bright red bleeding, cramps, and contractions, which have been pretty constant ever since. Just in time for her birthday--nice, hah?! I swear the universe has it out for us and punishes us and now those reproductively involved with us on our birthdays ... I found out the baby died on my 30th birthday in pregnancy #1. Myles died only a few hours after Josh's birthday. Now K is going through a miscarriage on her 31st birthday. Damn universe! We might just have to start celebrating our birthdays on a different day of the year!

K is such a trooper and toughed it out at school today and plans to go to her clinicals tomorrow. She really is one tough cookie, isn't she?! K said she's worried that she missed the baby (I asked her to collect the tissue to send to pathology for chromosomal analysis), but has received reassurance from a few she knows who've had a miscarriage that she will know. Although I'm a recurrent miscarrier, I can't provide much guidance in this area. I had a D&C with my first and the other three were early losses (5-6wks), which more or less resulted in an extra heavy flow. So, if you have any experience please share it with K. Also, please continue to think of K and pray that the process is over relatively quickly.

Hola from Mexico!

I finally convinced J that we should spend the $60/wk to have wireless internet, so I thought I'd post a quick blog update while J is still sleeping (we had a late night in the club last night). Our travels here were smooth and uneventful and the resort it absolutely beautiful, but I have to admit I was disappointed to see kids here. I just really needed to get away from kids/babies right now. This isn't a very "kid-friendly" resort and we are surprised that people would bring their kids here, but we try to ignore them as best as we can. We are enjoying the warmth of the Mexico sun and the chill of the cold drinks. The ocean is a bit too cold for us (you'd think Wisconsinites could handle the cold?!), so we sit around the pool most of the day, which is okay anyway because it's closer to the bars! :)

I have to admit that being here is like an escape from my reality, but I'm worried when I get home my reality is going to come crashing down on me in a huge way. :( We will be meeting with my RE to discuss the plan of action for IVF #2. I'm hoping that I have a similar response (19 eggs retrieved, 16 mature, 8 blasts), but am worried of course that being two years older might hurt me. I do plan to discuss PGD with my RE. I know that PGD is not as good as CGH, but I don't have that option with my clinic (and we're not ready to go to CCRM yet). PGD has it's limitations, but it also has it's value. I think it might be helpful for us. I would like to know that I'm transferring chromosomally normal embryos to my carrier, so I can significantly reduce (or hopefully eliminate) the chance of another miscarriage. It pains me that I've introduced K to this sad world of loss and that the reason she is experiencing this physical and emotional pain is because she wanted to help us. The injustice of that is killing me! Someone who gives so selflessly should NOT have to suffer in any way! So, if PGD helps us to insure that more pain won't befall our wonderful, amazing, selfless, giving carrier, then we will do it!

Okay, back to my escapre from reality ... here's a couple of pics of us in Mexico:

BTW ... Today is K's birthday, so please wish her a very, very happy birthday! She so deserves to be treated like a queen today and every day! :)