Beautiful K

Isn't K just as beautiful of a person on the outside as she is on the inside? This picture of us was taken today when we went out to lunch with our Grandma and some other women in the family.

K will be arriving at the clinic bright and early tomorrow morning for her lining check. She's going to text and/or email me right away to let me know the status. I'm thinking it will be nice and fluffy given the abundance of cervical mucus K's been having lately! (Sorry K if I'm giving away TMI!) Fluffy lining dust is coming your way K!

Remembering

Last year at this time I was lying in a hospital bed at Mayo Clinic. Two days prior I was transferred via ambulance to this hospital because the local one where I had been for a couple of days didn't have a Level III NICU. The day I was transferred I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia when they discovered IUGR and reverse diastolic blood flow. You'd think I would've known that I would be delivering sooner than expected, but I didn't have a clue. When I left the local hospital my ob still said that he thought I'd make it to 28wks, so I went with that. When I was first placed on bed rest at home at 23wks I figured I'd be there bored out of my mind for the next 17wks. I had no idea that in three short weeks I would be delivering my baby and the hell that I would live in for the rest of my life.

As an avid scrap booker I am disappointed that I didn't take photos of the hospital room, the wonderful nurses who cared for me, me in the hospital, or anything! My excuse is that I expected to be there a lot longer and would have plenty of time to take photos for my pregnancy scrapbook. Now as I sit here getting ready to go scrap book with my girlfriends I think about how much is missing from my book. The last photos I have of me pregnant were taken on New Year's Eve and two that Josh took of my belly sometime during my home bed rest. In the photos of my on New Year's Eve I look puffy and swollen in the face and I wonder why I didn't notice it. No one else noticed it either. These were the signs that preeclampsia had already started to rear it's ugly head and given that Myles was the size of a 20-21wk baby it likely started right after my 20wk ultrasound.

Photos of me out on New Year's Eve:


My final pregnancy photos:


It's hard for me to think that a year ago I was blissfully ignorant. I was happily awaiting the arrival of the baby I'd spent so long trying to meet. I remember enjoying Myles's kicks and remember thinking how funny it was that he played "chase the baby with the monitor" games with the nurses. I remember the first day I felt Myles move--I was sitting on the couch eating dinner by myself as Josh was away at training for work. It was the most incredible feeling! A feeling that I envied in others for so many years. Every day after that day I felt Myles move and remember thinking how it was our little secret. A special secret that only Myles and I would ever know. I cherish those moments.

I can't believe that in 5 days it will have been a whole year since the traumatic morning when I was told that I had developed HELLP syndrome and that my kidneys and liver were shutting down. I was told that they had no choice but to deliver my baby at 26wks or I would die. My cherished, secret moments with Myles would no longer be.

Numb

This is how I've been feeling the last two weeks. I haven't had one of my typical all out sobbing episodes. I'm back to the empty, numb feeling that I had in the few weeks following Myles's death. It's like my emotions are right there under the surface, but don't come out. It's like I'm always just on the edge of a meltdown, but nothing seems to happen. The tears fill my eyes, but don't roll down my cheeks. I feel like I should have so many emotions overwhelming me right now. I do feel such a mix of emotions, but think I'm truly feeling them. Maybe it's too difficult? Maybe this is some sore of self protection?!

I wonder if some of my numbness also stems from me trying to suppress my worries over the upcoming transfer to K. A little more self-preservation, perhaps? I haven't voiced any of my worries because I don't want K to think that it has anything to do with her--it doesn't! I don't have any worries about K, her uterus, her ability to get pregnant, her ability to carry a baby, or anything else! I do worry about my embryos and I very much worry about the possibility of bringing K into our hell hole of loss. I am so grateful for what K is doing for us that it will just kill me if something bad happens that causes her to feel any sadness.

I think I'm also trying to protect myself from the emotions I will go through if this particular transfer doesn't work. The two frozen blasts are extraordinarily special to me. Both embryos were "created" in July '07 with Myles and were frozen with him. So, my two remaining frozen embryos have a special connection with Myles and this is why they are so special to me. I do know that I would be protective over any of my embryos, but these two embryos share so much with Myles that it makes me even more protective of them. They are the last living connection to Myles. Please do not misinterpret this as me losing my mind! I know they are not Myles and I would not want them to be. I know that any embryo that resulted in a pregnancy and baby would have a connection to Myles. They would be his sibling. I would love any/all of them. However, I still have a strong feeling that these two particular embryos are extra special. I'm hoping that it's because in my heart I know they will be my future children!

K is finally hopped up on Estrace

Well I completely spaced out posting a blog on Saturday to let all of you know that K started Estrace! So, the countdown to the FET date is on--16 days and counting! K goes next Monday for her first lining check, which will hopefully be her only one, and we're hoping for a nice, fluffy lining! Please blow lining thickening vibes K's way! I doubt she needs them, but I like to cover all of our bases!

Trying to take my life back from IF

A grad school friend emailed me and said "I know about your surrogacy journey (which I know is a HUGE part of your life), but what about the rest?" This simple question caught me off guard a bit. I was at a loss for words. I still have hobbies and interests and I enjoy my job, but clearly my life has become one infertility treatment after the next. We have spent the last 4 years and 8 months our lives living this way. We have been consumed by infertility and it's directed the course of every aspect of our lives. Infertility has taken so much from us and I refuse to let it take any more. I am going to stop planning my life around the "what ifs" of infertility and just plain live my life. If I've learned anything, I've learned that there aren't any guarantees in life and that you need to live each day like it's the last.

Last week I joined the YMCA again (I let my membership expire after Myles died) and also signed up for Wei.ght Wat.chers (on-line membership). Infertility and depression have caused me to gain weight and I plan to get my hot bikini body back. I'm definitely not huge, but I'm no size 1/2 anymore either! J and I signed up for a spinning class, which should kick my a$$, and help me shed the pounds.

We are planning a trip to Mexico with some friends over Spring Break, but we haven't been able to commit because we don't know how the FET on 1/29 will turn out. We are hopeful it will result in a bfp, but if it doesn't then we have to do another ER. More than likely we'd start the protocol immediately and would be doing an ER sometime in March. This is exactly what I'm trying to get away from. I'm tired of infertility controlling my life, yet I feel stuck. Uggh, I HATE infertility and the control it has over us!

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Last week I went to see my GP because I've been having sleeping problems. Every single night when I go to bed I replay all the days leading up to Myles's birth. I relive the days of his life and the night he died. No wonder I'm having problems sleeping! My GP just so happens to have a M.S. in marriage and family counseling (weird, I know). When I told him about my sleeping problems we discussed the upcoming anniversaries. He seems to think I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress and that the sleeping problems are a result of anxiety, so he put me on an anti-anxiety med to help get me through the next few months.

I guess the doc's assessment makes sense because all of the problems started the weekend of 1/3, which was the day when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure last year. It was all down hill from that day. At this point last year I was hospitalized. I was naive. I never, ever imagined I'd be delivering my baby in a little over a week. Nor could I fathom the horror I'd experience on 2/16 as I watched my son die in my arms. I guess it's probably better that I was living life in a state of ignorant bliss. I was enjoying the last few days of my pregnancy and the amazing, magical moments Myles and I had together.

Please people try to remember a child died

I am mortified by the criticism that the Travolta's are receiving right now. I know that their beliefs are well let's just say less than conventional, but they are their beliefs. Beliefs are things that we as individual view to be valid and true. Beliefs are as individual as people are and just because we don't understand and/or agree with them doesn't mean that they are wrong! Again they are beliefs NOT facts and aren't a matter of right or wrong. I am disheartened that so many people are focusing on the issue at hand--the Travolta's lost a child, which is by far the worst thing that any parent could endure.

I lurk on S.M.O (a surrogate message board) and periodically post. I saw a thread about how sad it was that the Travolta's son had died, so I went to read it. I was left feeling ill. The OP of the thread had great intentions and seems heartfelt and sincere, but very quickly others hijacked the thread and started insulting the Travolta's beliefs. Some of the women even blamed them for their child's death. It was horribly sad and disappointing for me. I generally consider surrogates to be among the most compassionate, understanding, and empathetic, so these posts were extremely disappointing to me. I decided to speak up as a baby loss mama and let these ladies hear my thoughts. Here's what I said:

My heart just breaks for the Travolta's. Losing a child is something that no parent should have to go through! When your child dies your heart literally feels as though it's shattered into a million tiny pieces. You feel empty and lost. You don't know what to do or where to go. Life after the death of a child is strange, unfamiliar and lonely. The grief journey is never ending and filled with many unexpected detours. I know because I am currently traveling this road. It's quite disheartening to think that so many people, specifically parents (including many of you), are criticizing this grieving family right now. Try just for a second to imagine what they are going through. The lack of empathy I'm hearing from women who I've considered to be very empathetic is sad and completely disappointing. If you haven't lost a child (and I hope none of you ever have to know this pain), then you have no idea how horribly difficult it is. Some of you say you'd die if you lost a child and in my experience you certainly feel like death is a better alternative than the overwhelming emotional pain of losing your child, but somehow, someway you take each day minute by minute. You try to put one foot in front of the other and walk forward. However, the walking is difficult and you need to lean on others to help you navigate in this new, horrible world. Please try to remember this and show respect to the Travolta family by sending your condolences, sympathy, and love!

Unfortunately my thoughts were completely ignored. Now I'm furthered saddened. I just hope that none of these horribly judgmental women ever have to go through what I've gone through, what many of you have gone through, and the nightmare that the Travolta's are currently going through.

Looking back and looking ahead

I've been avoiding posting because I can't find the right words to reflect on 2008 and look forward to 2009. I had a conversation with J about 2008 and he so eloquently said "it sucked, what else is there to say?" Again I had to disagree because we met Myles in 2008. We had 26 of the happiest days of our lives starting on January 21, 2008, but this time period ended with the worst day of our lives on February 16, 2008. I guess 2008 will go down in our history as the best and worst year of our lives. I am hopeful that K will help us have another one of the best days of our lives in 2009! Okay, so that was lame, but I just can't find the words to express my mixed emotions about the last year and my hope for the new year.

So, I guess I'll share a few pics from our New Year's Eve Dinner party. Maybe that will make this post a little better?! I appreciate your compliments regarding the menu. The food was fabulous if I do say so myself! Even the dessert, which again is not my forte, was splendid! I forgot to photograph the food before everyone started eating, but did take a photo of my dinner table and the most amazing martini, x-rated martini, known to woman or man!


Here's a pic of what I was doing to prepare for our guest's arrival and another of what J did to prepare!


A picture of J and I right after we had our New Year's kiss.

A few pic's of J and a couple of our friends doing some crazy dancing a few hours into the new year (of course this was after several beers and much vino!).