33

That is my age today. It's my birthday. It's hard for me to believe that I'm 33 and still don't have a living child. I started my TTC journey when I was 28 and thought I'd be done having children by now. Don't get me wrong I'm uber grateful that I had my sweet Myles and that we are expecting twins, but you just don't forget the pain of infertility and miscarriage. You just don't forget going in for an ultrasound at 12wks gestation on your 30th birthday to discover that your baby died a week or so ago. I spent my entire 30th birthday crying in an ER because my first pregnancy after 1.5 years of trying had ended. That kind of pain sticks with you. And last year my birthday was even worse. I expected to be spending it snuggling Mr. Myles, but instead I sat crying at his grave. So, yeah birthdays aren't all they are cracked up to be for me.

This year my dear friends and family did their best to lift my spirits. My dear friend, A, greeted me at school with a tea latte and a card saying that she "hopes this year is my best yet". Another dear friend, B, left a card on my desk and gave me a big birthday wish in the hall. Many other friends and family sent cards, emails, and phoned me with birthday wishes. I am incredibly lucky to be loved so much and can't thank all of you enough!

The wonderfully, awe-inspiring, amazing K called to tell me that she snuck in for an u/s today at work as a birthday gift to me. My initial reaction was sheer panic when I heard those words u/s and birthday in the same phrase, but immediately I was relieved to hear that both babies are alive and well. Sweet little Princess (Baby A) was resting sucking "her" thumb and energetic little Ninja (Baby B) was practicing his karate punches on his poor sibling. K said that Baby B was all over the place flipping, kicking, and punching all the while Baby A peacefully rested despite the blows "she" was receiving. I couldn't help but smile thinking of my beautiful little ones thriving in K's womb.

Tonight my wonderful husband, J, took me to my favorite Thai restaurant and made me chocolate chunk brownies for dessert (not exactly diet friendly, but oh so good!). Now we are getting ready to cuddle on the couch, watch a movie and enjoy the ooey gooey, chocolatey brownies!

Six Years Ago ...

... on Sunday I married the love of my life, J. It was an absolutely perfect day--one I will never forget. We were married in a beautiful garden in front of 150 of our close friends and family. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. I really couldn't ask for a better day. During the ceremony our good friend, JP, sang and one of the songs he sung was a song that my dear husband, J, had written for me. I knew that J was writing me a song for JP to sing during the ceremony, but I hadn't heard it or read the lyrics until that day. I couldn't contain my emotion as JP sang J's love song for me, which is entitled Chrysallis--it is an absolutely beautiful song. Below is a picture of J and I during the ceremony as JP was singing the song and following the photo are the lyrics to the song.

Chrysallis

I saw her standing there moving like she does
Couldnot quite bear the beauty, possibilites before me
Everything is swirling, sweat on my hands
I'm shakin', stealin' glances every chance I get
One lovely lady so divine, so debonair
Talking, conversing, making me so alive.
No words to say, not to articulate,
my heart quietly realizing it's fate.

Chorus:
You wake up in the morning looking for a reason,
Head keeps a turnin', thinkin' about relation.
Hope to see the people leanin' toward the street
Feelin' all the movement, trying to be discreet.
Makes you want to dance and move to your emotions,
Turnin' down the lights, letting off explosions.
Makin' your heart race till you're near the fever,
Knowing she's your baby, knowing that you love her.
There is a time when you're waitin' for a sign,
when the lights go out and it's always four one nine.
Lookin' for a fix, trying to transcend,
Writing a letter you hope to never send.
Hope there is another corner to turn,
where here is more to see, more to learn.
You know this kind of life will no longer suffice,
for livin' with ghosts and priests has its price.

There is a time when you're waitin' for a sign,
when the lights go out and it's always four one nine.
Lookin' for a fix, trying to transcend,
Writing a letter you hope to never send.
Hope there is another corner to turn,
where here is more to see, more to learn.
You know this kind of life will no longer suffice,
for livin' with ghosts and priests has its price.

Chorus:
You wake up in the morning looking for a reason,
Head keeps a turnin', thinkin' about relation.
Hope to see the people leanin' toward the street
Feelin' all the movement, trying to be discreet.
Makes you want to dance and move to your emotions,
Turnin' down the lights, letting off explosions.
Makin' your heart race till you're near the fever,
Knowing she's your baby, knowing that you love her.Of the seasons spring is my favorite.

How it washes our lives of boredom and anxiety winter supplies.
As it wakes us up and opens our eyes.
A cat sleeping on a porch, as birds watch from a nearby tree.
A love has entered my heart that I could not forsee.
People return to the outdoors where they belong
and it seems cupid is playing a fiddle and singing his song.
Two young lovers, two kindred hearts joining as one,
one a daughter and one a son.

The ball has been nudged

K, J, and I just filled out our FDA paperwork again. None of us has syphillis, uses recreational drugs, or has had sex with a man who's had sex with a man in the past 12 months. If you ever given blood, you know the questions. I completely understand why the paperwork is necessary, but it seems silly to us that we'd have to fill it out again when we just did it in December. Well it's done now and the clinic will have them this week, so we are set for the next 6 months.

J and I have our physical forms that we need to take to the doctor to be completed for the FDA. I'm guessing that my gyn will just complete it without seeing me again, but J has an appointment tomorrow. Later this week J is headed to the clinic to give his sample to freeze and do his infectious disease testing. I have to do my infectious disease testing no more than 30 days prior to the ER. K will do hers when she has the SHG.

So, for now we wait for K to get her period. Today K has been having some junk food cravings, which is a sign for her that her period is on it's way, so we are hopeful that the witch will arrive this week. Then K will start bcp on cd 3 and we'll schedule the SHG. At that point the ball will be rollling and I think we are all anxious for that. Today I am excited and hopeful for the next cycle!

Kangaroo Care with Daddy

On February 13, 2008 Tanya, one of our favorite nurses, told us that we could do kangaroo care with Myles. I was really hoping that Josh would take his turn holding Myles, but he was nervous and had told me not to pressure him. Fortunatly, Tanya was able to get away with a little pressuring and somehow she convinced J to do it. Although I was dying to hold Myles again, I was so thrilled to hear that Josh would be holding his little boy for the very first time! After some maneuvering Myles was snuggled against J's chest. I could not stop smiling at the two of them--my two favorite boys! Of course I was a mess of tears as I looked on with so much pride and admiration. I had waited for years to see my wonderful husband holding his child. When Josh was holding Myles he kept saying "Myles is full of smiles." I couldn't agree more. I just knew that Myles was smiling from within as he snuggled with his daddy!

Feeling grateful today

Last night I went to a Christmas party for my aunt's catering group (I work for her catering weddings in the summer when I'm not teaching). It was a nice time, but everyone of course talked about babies and getting pregnant. Some of the women are older and were talking about their new grandchildren. Others are younger and were talking about having oops pregnancies while on the pill while a few of the others around my age were talking about using multiple forms of birth control, so they don't get pregnant again. Seriously?! Anyway most of it was difficult for me to endure, but when they were complaining about their husbands I felt fortunate. J is such a wonderful man who helps out around the house. In fact our relationship is more like a team--we were together towards the same goal in almost everything we do. Of course we have our differences and disagreements, but all in all we work well together. J doesn't think it's my job to clean the house or do the laundry--actually he does all of the laundry (I never do it) and does his share of cleaning. Sure I do most of the cooking, but that's because I like to do it. J does most of the yardwork because he likes that. This is our house and we both do our fair share to take care of it.

After the party I met J and a close friend of ours to have a drink. This dear friend is currently going through a divorce because her husband had an on-going affair. She tried to work it out with him, but he refused to end the extramarital relationship. Her husband was a close friend of ours too, which makes the situation even more difficult and strange for us. As I sat there listening to my friend talk about her future worries of dating, etc.. I realized yet again for the 2nd time that night how lucky I was to have my loving, helpful, trustworthy husband. I spend a good deal of my time feeling sorry for myself and for all that I've gone through, but last night I spent several hours feeling very fortunate. I am married to an amazing man who always knows how to make me laugh! I love you J and am so fortunate to call you my husband!