Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Apparently I'm Now a Scrooge

Today I spent the day with my mom doing some Christmas shopping and now I feel terrible. I used to love the holidays and now I seem to hate them. I told my mom that I didn't feel like decorating the house this year and she proceeded to tell me that she understood that I was sad, but that I shouldn't let it keep me from enjoying the holidays. Of course this made me feel worse because I felt like she was ignoring my feelings and brushing them off as insignificant. I proceeded to tell her that I'll do whatever I want and if I don't feel like decorating my house then I won't. Obviously she can't force me to do it. It sounds childish to repeat that, but I can't even believe that someone, especially my mom, is giving me crap about missing my son this holiday season.

I did buy a silver star ornament that I had engraved with "Remembering Myles" in addition to an ornament that says "Baby's First Christmas" with a place to put a picture of Myles. I already bought a silver "M" ornament. The more I think about it we'll probably put up our tree just so I can put these ornaments on it for Myles.

I guess I'm just finding it hard to be merry and joyful this holiday season. Last year at this time we were excited to be pregnant and were looking forward to finding out Myles's gender. This year all I can do is think about what should have been. Everyone seems to think that I should be enjoying the festive season like nothing's happened, which actually makes me feel worse. Also, after the holidays we're that much closer to Myles's birthday and the worst day of our lives, the day he died.

Despite being a scrooge I do plan to decorate Myles's grave for Christmas. I bought items to make an arrangment that I will put on his grave when I take down the Thanksgiving/fall items this weekend. I bought a neat basket that looks like the black top hat that Frosty the Snowman wears. I plan to stuff it with real pine sprigs, sparkly berries, and other pretty glittery embelishments. I plan to make the arrangement and put it on Myles's grave on Saturday along with the super cute snowman LED light that my mom bought for his grave. The solar-powered LED snowman light changes colors and will look great hanging on the shepherd's hook next to Myles's grave. I'll take photos and post them after I get it all decorated.

Tomorrow will probably be horrible too. I'll have to endure my cousin's baby boy and the dreaded "What are you thankful for?" thing they love to do. I think I'll go outside or lock myself in the bathroom for an hour while they do that. Or maybe I'll say something to make everyone feel uncomfortable?!

I'm sure it doesn't help that I had to buy my friend a baby shower gift and gifts for other friends who are having babies soon. I figure I'll buy gifts, but have no intentions to attend the shower or visit the newborns. Visiting the baby section of any store is bad enough, but being immersed in non-stop baby talk at a shower is like torture. Now that I bought those gifts I'm done with baby stuff for this year and hopefully for a long time. I'm hoping that the next baby stuff I buy is for my baby(ies) that K is carrying!

On a positive note the clinic's IVF coordinator called me to tell me that our paperwork was approved! This was a huge relief to me given that I answered a question about marijuana use honestly and said that I tried it in college. I was freaking out thinking that this was going to ruin everything. The IVF coordinator said she's passing our files on to data entry to have them create a chart for K and she'll be calling us on Friday or Monday to schedule our pysch eval and infectious disease testing. I requested that we schedule the consent signing on the same day to avoid multiple trips to the clinic. I'm hoping that we'll get our IVF calendar that day or shortly thereafter. The ball is still rolling ever so slowly ...


Mrs. Spit said...

Oh honey. . . I'm sorry. You do with Christmas what you can and what you want.

Heather said...

Our moms must be friends. I've had that exact conversation with my mom.

And I'm like you, doing exactly what I want to do this Christmas.

Thinking of you and Myles today.

Sheri-ct said...


You are not being a scrooge, you are a grieving mother and have every right to feel the way you are feeling. Put up a tree only if you feel like it or don’t put one what makes you feel best (or least sad). The ordainments sound beautiful. I remember how hard the holidays were while going through infertility and I was only dealing with a small amount of the pain you have been dealt.....every year I would go out to cut down our tree with DH and wonder if this was going to finally be *the* year. Big (((((HUGS)))) and love to you and J.

I am so glad you posted a picture of K. She is as beautiful on the outside as she is in the inside. She’s an angel.


Lost in Space said...

Niki, do whatever you need to make it through the holidays. Those who don't get it have never stood where you are and can't possibly know what you "should" be doing or how you "should" be feeling.

Sending hugs and strength that you survive the dinner tomorrow and the rest of 2008.

Jen said...

The first holidays are hard...we didn't really decorate at all, just put up a tree last year.

All I can say, is do what you need to do for you and don't worry about anyone else.

Dora said...

Oh, man! Mothers! I wish I had some comforting words. You do what feels best for you!

Wendy said...

How about..."I am so THANKFUL
that I have EVERY right to my feelings... to be sad, be a scrooge and miss my little boy like crazy every day. And I am so THANKFUL that you all understand my sadness and reasons for not always feeling the way you think I should." (Sit down and smile)
Hope it goes better than you anticipate...I'll be thinking of you and of course little smiling Myles!

Busted said...

I'm sorry. I refuse to acknowledge the holidays this year either. My family is ok with it but DH is feeling a bit robbed I think. We do what we have to.

Glad your IVF is progressing.

Irish Girl said...

Niki, you have every right to miss your son and feel sad that he isn't here with you. I love the idea of putting up a tree in Myles' honor ... and do post photos of your plan to decorate for him, too!

I hope the ball gets rolling faster with your cousin! I am so hopeful for you!!!

Erin said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Friend!

Erin :)

N said...

If your mom hasn't lost a baby, she can't possibly understand how you need to deal with that loss. It's easy for other people to tell you how you should or should not be feeling, but only you know what you need to do to get through the holidays. However you do it, you're doing it right.

You do have something to be very grateful for this Thanksgiving - you have a wonderful person in your life willing to bring a baby into the world for you. What a wonderful thing that is!

Nicole said...

I've decided to get a small white tree just for Cooper's ornaments. I'm starting to get quite a few. It has been 4 years since I have put up a tree. Kinda feel like what's the point.