Children's Remembrance Celebration

Yesterday J and I along with our family and a few friends traveled to Mayo Clinic for a Children's Remembrance Celebration. I expected it to be a difficult ceremony and that it was. The ceremony involved songs, poetry, flowers, balloons, a paren'ts letter and a photo montage of all the children who were being remembered. Myles's picture was the first one in the slide show and I completely lost it when I saw his picture on their giant screen. It's weird because I look at his pictures many times each day, but to see it on a big screen in a room filled with other parents who've lost children was very emotional. We saw a few of the staff who helped us while Myles was at the children's hospital, but none of the nurses or doctors. We opted not to go on the tour of the NICU. J and I don't want to go back there.

I talked with parents of another micro-preemie, Ellie, who was born at 24 wks in 2005and died after a 4 day fight for life. Ellie was a beautiful little girl and her parents were kind, loving people. My heart ached for Ellie's mommy as she told me Ellie's story through tears. She expressed so much guilt of not being there with her daughter in the NICU. Ellie's mommy was 2 hours away in the hospital where she delivered recovering from her c-section. Ellie was flown to Mayo at birth. The day Ellie died her mommy was released from the hospital, but she didn't make it in time. Three years later Ellie's mommy still harbors the guilt of not being there with her daughter during her life and death. I could feel her pain and sadness and wished I could take it away. I can relate to the overwhelming guilt. However, my guilt is over Myles's early birth. My body failed Myles and resulted in his death. As his mommy I was supposed to protect him and I failed. Just as Ellie's mommy is haunted by guilt I will also be haunted by guilt for the rest of my life.

It's been 9 months today since Myles's death. It's weird because some days it feels like a lifetime ago that I held him and felt the life leave his tiny body, yet other days it feels like it was just yesterday. I miss Myles terribly and can't even imagine what my life would be like if he were here. I feel empty, lonely, and broken. I want nothing more than to see my little guy's sparkling eyes again. I want to feel his warm little body over my heart. I want to know what it feels like to watch my child reach milestones. I want the world to think of me as a mommy. I want my son back.