Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Feeling blah

I'm feelng rather blah and I can't really pinpoint a reason. It could be all the rain we've been having. It could be the cold weather and the impending extremely cold weather to come in a couple of months. It could be the forecast for a few snowflakes tonight/tomorrow. It could be all the grading I have to do (150 lab reports were submitted yesterday and I have 60 more to grade). It could be that my best friend just had a new baby boy who I'm going to meet on Sunday (newborn baby boys are still quite tough for me). It could be that I'm just missing Myles a lot more than normal this week. It could be that my precious cat is slowly dying of a fatal disease (she's cuddling with me now) and I can't do anything about it. It could be that one of my co-workers told me that it would probably be best not to share my baby news with my students (ever). It could be that registering for the twins brought me back to registering for Myles and made me sad. It could be that the Domperi.done I'm taking to help induce lactation is making me emotional (it sure is doing a number on my breasts--ouch!) More than likely it's a combination of all of these things. Whatever it is it's making me feel down in the dumps.

The other thing that's been bothering me is the ever so slight bit of envy I'm feeling. I'm feeling it towards my IRL pregnant friends/family, my pregnant blog friends, and even to a small extent K. I guess after 5 years of infertility I have a hard time letting go of the pain that I feel from other's pregnancies (especially those fertile ones). I have been embarrassed to admit this because I feel like it makes me seem unhappy for others or ungrateful for my fortunate situation. I love K dearly and can not thank her enough for the amazing gift she's giving us. My feelings have nothing at all to do with anything K is or isn't doing. K is doing everything I could ever want her to do (and then some). I know just how lucky I am and I don't for a second take that for granted, so please don't begrudge me for this.

I spent countless hours before pursuing surrogacy worrying that I'd feel extreme jealousy towards the person carrying our baby(ies). I can't imagine anyone entering into surrogacy not wondering/worrying about this, especially those women with infertility problems who've tried for years to get pregnant and carry a baby on their own. I spoke to expectant IM's to see how they felt about this and none of them ever felt that way. I worried and asked about it because I didn't want to feel that way and fortunately I don't! However, I admittedly envy K. I wish that I could be the one feeling our babies move and kick inside me. I wish that I could watch my belly swell. I wish I could lie in bed at night rubbing my belly and talking to my babies. Most of all I wish I didn't long for these things, but I do. Now that doesn't mean that I'm not relieved to have our babies growing and thriving in K's healthy, protective uterus. It just means that I still have that innate desire to carry and nurture my babies. Despite me trying it just doesn't go away, but fortunately I can make myself feel better by reminding myself that K is going to bring into our lives two healthy, living (hopefully chubby) babies!


Baby Starr said...

Although you might not be carrying your babies in your uterus you're still very much pregnant. And with pregnancy comes days of mega emotion and blahness. It's not just a hormonal thing it's a being a mom to be thing and it's normal and fine!!!!! I just wanted to tell you (in my humble opinion)feeling blah is always ok even if you have much to be thankful for. You are only human after all;-) Ride the emotion roller coaster and hang on tight, it's what makes life...well life!

Ashley & Chris said...

I understand the envy part of it, maybe not the infertility part.. but the part where I will never know if I will be able to carry a baby because my body sucks. I want nothing more than to have normal pregnancies.
You are a beautiful 'pregnant' Mom and the best one at that because you are giving your babies teh best chance at life. K's proven awesome uterus is protecting your sweet sweet babies.
I am SO happy for you.

Jaymee said...

it is 100% normal to feel this way, in fact i think it may be abnoral not to. these are moments, and moments pass. just hang in there and know that it is okay to feel this way and you are still the wonderful person that you have always been.


Anonymous said...

N - it sounds like you have a lot of things going on - and wtf about your co-worker giving assvice - and you have every right to be feeling the way you do. Your emotions sound completely right on track to me - and good for you for sharing them.

You are already an amazing mother - to Myles and to these babies.


Cassandra said...

I only started reading your blog recently, but I feel as if I already know you. You are so entirely justified to feel the way you feel! You can feel happy and blessed and still feel sad and envious. It is okay. It will probably come and go, and the hormones only make the feelings that are already there stronger.

And I think your co-worker's advice is a bunch of hooey! Some teachers feel the need to be more private than others, and maybe that co-worker is one of them. If you were carrying the babies yourself, would you keep them a secret?? Duh, of course not! Why would you do that now???

Anyway, hopefully the blahs won't last. :)

Karma & Adam said...

I went through the same thing...I never imagined that I wouldn't get to experience pregnancy. I still dream about an alternate reality when I could have carried our daughter - feel her kicks and watch my belly grow. It makes me sad to think about it, so I don't indulge myself often. That's how I handle it. And focusing on my high energy 16-month old helps a lot with that : ) I'm still envious of pregnant women - especially those having 2nd and 3rd babies. Something we'll never have. Anyway, the purpose of my long post was to tell you that I believe what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I'm sure other IMs would say the same.

Karma & Adam said...

Oh, I should add that domperidone did a number on me too. That also, is normal : )

Bluebird said...

Ah, honey. Don't feel bad, I think it makes perfect sense. You can be grateful for what is, and still sad for what is not, all at the same time I think.

Deena said...

Sending virtual hugs your way. Don't be too hard on yourself. You seem like the type that is always taking care of others. It's okay to feel down. And Myles will always be in your heart and on your mind.
The sting will always be there because you can't actually carry your own babies, but I promise once you see those two beautiful faces, most of your pain will disappear. Sending prayers your way.

Meg. said...

Sweet Niki. i haven't even gone through surrogacy yet, and I feel all of the same emotions! Some days I just cry and cry over the fact that I'll never experience pregnancy, and I'll never have those quite, private moments alone with my developing babies and my husband. It's all so unfair.

Don't beat yourself up too badly. As many of the other commenters have said, these feelings are normal and expected. Just because you're grieving the loss of an experience doesn't mean you don't appreciate what K is doing for you. We all know how much you love K.

I'm also so sorry that your sweet Asha girl continues to decline. =( I wish there was a way to keep our fur babies with us forever. At least she's able to spend the lat stretch of her life at home, being comforted by you.