Mourning in Mexico with Margaritas

Per K's request we are going to go to Mexican as planned. We fly out early tomorrow morning. We are hoping that the sun and tons of tequila will be good for us as we work through the emotions of this loss. I am worried about K, but I know that she has an amazing support system in her husband, children, friends and family. I know she's strong and I know she will be fine, yet I still worry. I assume that a little break from us may be helpful for K. She may need some time alone to work through the emotions of the loss. I know it's a different set of emotions to deal with than mine, but I'm sure it is just as challenging (if not more). K so wanted this dream to come true for us and now she has to deal with the utter disappointment and the physical pain. I just wish her peace and healing in the process.

BTW ... for those of you who have been wondering I did do the Brazilian wax. My appointment was Wednesday night and I figured that with the emotional pain I was going through any physical pain would seem insignificant. I have to say it really wasn't that bad and I'd definitely do it again.

I'm off to soak up some sun, regroup, and drink muchos margaritas! I'll try to do at least one quick post from Mexico, but promised J that I wouldn't be blogging during our vacation.

Walking Through Flames

I am at a loss for what to say. I am moved beyond words by your kindness, compassion, sadness, mourning and willingness to be mad at the universe with us. We will ever so slowly pick up the pieces as we always manage to do. K is strong and I know she will weather the storm and will come out fine on the other side, but my heart still hurts for her and for us. I know K wanted to do this for us to help us realize our dreams and I know she was aware of the risks, yet I can't get over how unfair it is that she has to go through this. Someone who gives such a gift shouldn't have to suffer. We have been openly communicating and are doing are best to try to support each other through this. As K reminded me this morning "we're in this together". That tiny little phrase warmed my heart and took away some of the guilt I feel for putting K through this. I was reminded that we are a team and that although it's not going to be easy for any of us, we will perservere!

I am saddened that the universe teased me and dangled my dream in front of me only to coldly rip it from me again. You'd think I'd be used to the disappointment and sadness of a miscarriage being that this is the 5th one I've lived through, but I can't seem to grow accustomed to it. Despite my best efforts to guard myself and prepare myself for bad news I'm left shocked and devastated. As most of you know this little embryo had an extra special place in my heart as he/she was conceived with Myles and frozen with him. This little embryo was my last living connection to Myles and now it's gone and my heart aches. With every miscarriage after Myles my heart aches more for him. The losses take me to the dark place inside of me where I am certain that I will never have another child and that Myles was my one shot at motherhood and I f*cked it up. (Please don't lecture me on my guilt over Myles's death. I'm logical and know I couldn't do anything, but it doesn't make the hurt and guilt in my heart any less sharp.)

I looked to surrogacy as my hope for the future and I never expected that this would happen. After having a day to reflect and think, I'm still convinced that surrogacy is the path for us to baby #2 (or #3). A friend asked me last night why I don't consider adoption. At this point I don't care to get into all the details of why adoption isn't the appropriate path for us at this time, but suffice it to say that it just doesn't feel right to me. I felt strongly when pursuing IVF that it would lead me to a baby and it led me to Myles. Yes, I had to go through hell and back to get there, but I was blessed with my wonderful, amazing little Mr. Myles. I would do it all over again and go through more just to have him for a minute of time.

Others have asked questions that leave me thinking they wonder how and why I put myself through this repeated heartache? I realize that it's difficult for some people, especially those who have easily conceived their children, to understand how someone would continue to go through such pain and devastation. It seems sadistic. But I ask anyone who's a parent to ask yourself this question ... Would you walk through fire for your child? I'm certain you all would. I am doing just that. I just walk a little longer and through a little hotter flames. I may stumble through the flames, but I manage to get up again and continue to walk. I walk through these flames for the child I know in my heart awaits me in the future. I feel it in my heart that surrogacy is the path that will lead me to another child, so when, and if, K is ready we will try again.

Fetal Demise ...

... yes that's right there wasn't a heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in a week. There was a lot of blood forming all around the gestational sac, so I'm sure the miscarriage will happen soon once K stops the PIO. At least I hope for K's sake it's over soon and relatively painlessly. I was prepared for this and just yesterday hypothesized to my IVF nurse that this very same scenario would play out at today's appointment.

I am crushed yet again, but more crushed for K. I'm used to this kind of disappointment ... I've lived through worse, but K she hasn't had to deal with tragedies in pregnancy and now because of me she will go through the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage. I did this to K ... I put her through this and I feel horrible. I brought her into my nightmarish world and I have forever changed her. K entered this journey with us to help us make our dreams come true and look what we gave her in return. K was strong and kept telling me not to worry about her. I am worried about someone who can give so selflessly to us and then be put through this incredible hell. This whole situation is f*cked up and unfair beyond words.

So, apparently it's not just my $hitty, ghetto uterus that I have to worry about anymore, but now I also have to worry about my f*cked up eggs. My beautiful, strong, highly-graded embryos are not what they appear to be and my hypothesis is that my eggs suck! We know that one of my 8 Grade A embryos from IVF was chromosomally sound as Myles's karyotype was 46XY (normal male), but who knows about the others. 1 out of 8 is terrible. With 5 miscarriages (wait is it ? the number is getting so high I'm losing count) I suspect that the embryos might be a contributing factor too. Yes, the others losses could have been due to my crap uterus as we suspected, but this is the 2nd loss we've had after cardiac activity was established (my 1st m/c was @ 12wks) and that's typically an indicator of some chromosomal problem, especially when you know that a hormonal imbalance can't be the cause and the uterus is perfect, like K's. I asked K to collect a specimen for pathology (how nice of me, hah?! as if she doesn't have enough $hit to deal with on my account) and I anticipate the news of a chromosomal mess in the poor little embryo. Yep, today I officially feel like my entire reproductive system is beyond f*cked up!

As you know J and I have plans to fly to Mexico on Saturday, but how can I go and leave K to go through this alone. What kind of person does that?

Why does this stuff bother me so much?

Okay, so let me start by saying that I have a bad cold and am home sick today, which doesn't help my mood any. I have heard several things over the past few weeks that upset me for one reason or another. Now I keep repeating them in my head over and over again and they continue to bother me. I have been hesitant to blog about these statements because now many people IRL read my blog, but I've decided that it's my blog and I should be able to use it as I inteneded--to vent and get support from people who understand. So, here goes ...

The first thing that's been bothering me is conversations with people about me becoming a Mommy when K has this baby for us. This type of talk kills me. I am Myles's Mommy and will always be his Mommy! Myles is my son. I just don't get this mentality. If my mom died, I'd still be her daughter and she'd still be my mom. Why is it any different with my child and me? I wonder if it's because the people who make this sort of statement didn't get to meet Myles, so maybe he doesn't seem real to them? But, the reality is that Myles was very real and was my 1st child. I am Myles's Mommy and he is my son. So, I won't become a Mommy when K has this baby, but rather will become a Mommy again to another child just like any other woman who has a 2nd child.

The other thing that has been bothering me is related to friends complaining about how horribly difficult it is to be separated from their child(ren) for anywhere from a few hours to a week for vacation. I do not doubt that this is difficult for any parent to leave their child for any amount of time. I don't doubt that having to leave a newborn to return to work is horribly hard for a Mommy. I don't doubt that leaving your ill child while you go on vacation is tough. I dont doubt that watching your baby suffer through a cold isn't difficult. But, I do doubt that the pain even comes close to never being able to see your child again. Never being able to touch his little hands and feet. Never being able to kiss his soft skin. So, when people tell me that they just don't know how they are going to handle leaving their child for 8 hours while they work, I can't help but think how lucky they are that in 8 hours they get to return to see their child. I can't help but think at least your baby is alive. Again I don't doubt that any of these things are difficult, but rather wish people would empathize with me ... I never get to see my child again.

The other thing that drives me absolutely crazy is the comments that I'm so strong to be able to carry on with life in the wake of Myles's death. Some have even said that they'd "die if they lost their child" or "that they wouldn't be able to get out of bed". These statements are hurtful to me because it makes it seem as though I love my child less than they love theirs or that I'm acting abnormally for someone who's lost a child. Anyone who's lost a baby/child will tell you that it's not easy to face the day. There are many days that I don't want to get out of bed. There were days when I thought dying would have been easier than facing the constant pain of not having the one thing that meant most to me (no I'm not suicidal). Life after losing a child is horrible. I put on my pretend happy face and enter the world, but inside I feel broken and lost. I miss my son and always will. I will always feel like someone is missing from my life because someone is. I will always have a hole in my heart that won't be filled by anyone or anything. My life was changed by Myles in so many wonderful ways and my life was changed forever by his death.

8 weeks--our "blueberry" is now a "lima bean"

Thank you so much for being so understanding of my fears! I do know all the things that could be causing the brown spotting, I know it's old blood, and I know it is very normal and quite common with IVF pregnancies. Also, I know I need to stay relaxed, but it's much easier said than done. However, I am trying and K is relaxed, so that's good.

I just want to clarifiy that we did have an ultrsound on 2/23 that showed a strong heartbeat of 122bpm. Our next scan is to assess growth and will hopefully show a steady strong h/b again. Several of you asked if we could move up the ultrasound appointment to ease our worries, but it's just not possible. K is going out of town for a mini-vacation with her family, which she very much needs and deserves, and won't return until Tuesday night. Our u/s is scheduled for Wednesday morning. Fortunately I have a busy weekend planned, so that will keep my mind occupied. I'm practicing patience and before I know it Wednesday will be at my doorstep!

Today our baby is 8wks and one whole inch long! I read that the baby is now more like the size of lima bean, which botanically speaking isn't a fruit, but rather a seed from a fruit (remember I'm a biologist). Don't argue with me that lima bean pods are a vegetable because they are not--anything that contains seeds is technically a fruit! So, most of your classic grocery store vegetables (green peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers) are really "fruits". I digress. Other sources say the baby is slightly larger than a cherry, which I think seems a little cuter than a lima bean, but I'll stick with the term "bean" for this week.

Much is happening with our "bean" this week. At this point in embryonic development the ovaries or testes are formed, but anyone who says they knew of their baby's gender at this point is a lier, nuts, or some combination of the two. External genital formation isn't visible for several weeks and even at that point requires a skilled technician and a good machine. At this point the baby's fingers and toes are visible with some webbing while the head is still diproportionally large compared to the body. The brain is growing about 100,000 new brain cells every minute! By the end of this week all of his/her little organs will be primitively formed in their proper location. The other cool thing about the 8th week of development is that the baby will begin to have spastic movements (although K won't feel them for several weeks).

Here are some pics of what our little "bean" looks like this week:

(image above taken from http://www.babycenter.com/)

A few more spots

Yesterday K didn't have any spotting, but then had a little again this afternoon. It's still brown and very light. Additionally, she's been having the menstrul-type cramping that many experience in early pregnancy. I have to admit that I wasn't nearly as calm today when K told me about it, but I was also under a lot of stress while trying to set up a lab for my botany class for tomorrow. I kept reminding myself that light brown spotting can be common and normal, yet every experience in pregnancy I have with any kind of spotting has been bad. I didn't spot one single drop while pregnant with Myles. I decided that I needed to hear someone tell me that things were probably okay, so I called my clinic. I talked to one of my favorite IVF nurses today who reassured me that it's still probably some irritation from intercourse that occurred a few nights ago. I knew everything she told me, but it was nice to hear it from someone else.

I'm trying to remain calm because I don't want to alarm K, but I have to admit that tonight my anxiety was a little elevated. I just spent the last 30 minutes on Dr. Google reading about miscarriage rates after seeing a heartbeat and spotting during pregnancy. It's actually ridiculous because I wasn't reading anything new and think that it was contributing to my anxiety. I took a few Xa.nax and am feeling better. I'm one of those few unlucky ones who did have a miscarriage after seeing a strong h/b and several growth scans with my first pregnancy, so of course I worry about that happening again. I am especially worried now that K is in the picture. The last thing I want is for K to have to go through something horrible like a miscarriage. K is doing an amazing thing and only deserves to have good experiences.

I'm just crossing my fingers that next week's u/s alleviates our worries and we see a strong beating heart again along with nice growth of our little blueberry baby!

One brown spot

K called me and left a voicemail and then emailed saying to call her, which immediately made me worried. When I called her K informed me that she was worried last night that she might be having a miscarriage because she'd been having some cramping, but no bleeding. She said this morning it felt like her period was on it's way (not really painful cramping). She went to the bathroom and inspected the tp this morning (yep we've had a bad influence) and she saw a tiny, brown spot. Wiped again and nothing. Late last week the RE lifted the pelvic rest restrictions, so K and her dh took advantage of this last night.

K called her ob who explained to her that this was all normal and that she shouldn't worry. He even told her that I'd know and probably wouldn't be too concerned. Suprisingly I wasn't really all that worried. I didn't panic and actually breathed a huge sigh of relief when I heard K telling me about what had happened. This is SO unusual for me! I'm normally the one who completely freaks out about the smallest of things. I guess I remember the early pregnancy cramping and remember how I was always worried about it too. I know that brown is old blood. I also know that intercourse can cause bleeding in early pregnancy because of the highly vascular nature of the cervix. I know that bleeding with an IVF pregnancy is common. Plus, I just have a calm feeling, so I'm not worried and really don't want K to worry either. Please reiterate to K that all is likely well with the "blueberry".