Fetal Demise ...

... yes that's right there wasn't a heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in a week. There was a lot of blood forming all around the gestational sac, so I'm sure the miscarriage will happen soon once K stops the PIO. At least I hope for K's sake it's over soon and relatively painlessly. I was prepared for this and just yesterday hypothesized to my IVF nurse that this very same scenario would play out at today's appointment.

I am crushed yet again, but more crushed for K. I'm used to this kind of disappointment ... I've lived through worse, but K she hasn't had to deal with tragedies in pregnancy and now because of me she will go through the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage. I did this to K ... I put her through this and I feel horrible. I brought her into my nightmarish world and I have forever changed her. K entered this journey with us to help us make our dreams come true and look what we gave her in return. K was strong and kept telling me not to worry about her. I am worried about someone who can give so selflessly to us and then be put through this incredible hell. This whole situation is f*cked up and unfair beyond words.

So, apparently it's not just my $hitty, ghetto uterus that I have to worry about anymore, but now I also have to worry about my f*cked up eggs. My beautiful, strong, highly-graded embryos are not what they appear to be and my hypothesis is that my eggs suck! We know that one of my 8 Grade A embryos from IVF was chromosomally sound as Myles's karyotype was 46XY (normal male), but who knows about the others. 1 out of 8 is terrible. With 5 miscarriages (wait is it ? the number is getting so high I'm losing count) I suspect that the embryos might be a contributing factor too. Yes, the others losses could have been due to my crap uterus as we suspected, but this is the 2nd loss we've had after cardiac activity was established (my 1st m/c was @ 12wks) and that's typically an indicator of some chromosomal problem, especially when you know that a hormonal imbalance can't be the cause and the uterus is perfect, like K's. I asked K to collect a specimen for pathology (how nice of me, hah?! as if she doesn't have enough $hit to deal with on my account) and I anticipate the news of a chromosomal mess in the poor little embryo. Yep, today I officially feel like my entire reproductive system is beyond f*cked up!

As you know J and I have plans to fly to Mexico on Saturday, but how can I go and leave K to go through this alone. What kind of person does that?