WHEN Bad Things Happen to Good People

NOT WHY Bad Things Happen to Good People. Last night I attended a speech by Rabbi Harold Kushner the author of the well known book that inspired the title of this post. The Rabbi wrote this book following the death of his son. My dear friend, M, who's also a babyloss mama invited me to accompany her and I'm so grateful she did. Thanks M! I was inspired by much of what Rabbi Kushner had to say, but have to admit that I haven't read his book in it's entirety. My dear friend, M, recommended that I read it following Myles's death, but when I noticed all the biblical quotes I immediately put it down. I just couldn't deal with one more person telling me that Myles's death was part of some bigger plan that I just couldn't understand. I wish I had known a year ago that this is the last thing that Rabbi Kushner would say. In fact last night he said that no one has a right to tell someone that something bad has happened for a reason and I couldn't agree more! Here are a few things that Rabbi Kushner said that resonated with me:

• All who have experienced any kind of loss have something in common, but the intensity we experience differs.
• When we experience a loss all we can do is cope.
• In the valley of the shadow is where the light finds us.
• Everything DOESN'T have a moral cause, but everything does have a physical cause.
• G.od doesn't give us a finished world, but rather a world that needs our intervention.
• Losing a child may make you more sensitive, compassionate, patient, but anyone who's lost a child would give that up in a heartbeat to have their child back.
• When you can help others the cloud of helplessness is lifted and you feel connected.
• Ordinary people do extraordinary things.
• Friends who abandon you (e.g., don't call, don't come to visit, ignore your feelings) in your time of need do so because they can't acknowledge your reality. They fear that acknowledging it will make it happen to them.
• When the wind blows over some of what you built, you learn to live and celebrate without it.
• Doubt is not the opposite of faith. The opposite of faith is certainty.
• Hermit Crab growth and development as an analogy to losing and finding faith: hermit crabs have a hard shell that protects them. In order to grow they have to shed their protective carapace and at this point they are vulnerable and without protection, but eventually their outside hardens and they are again protected.

Many of these thoughts spoke to my grief over Myles's death while others spoke to my 5 lost dreams and my continual battle with infertility. I feel like I should explain how these statements spoke to me, but quite frankly I'm still tossing things around my mind. I didn't walk away from Kushner's speech with all of my questions answered, but I never expected that to happen. However, I do think that Rabbi Kushner allowed me to develop a new perspective.

Along with Kushner's inspiring messages a wonderful, caring friend, S, grabbed my hand and helped me out of my dark hole of hopelessness. I see a small light flickering and I feel a little hope returning ...